Planned or Evolved

 

Image from UnSplash

Completing a gender change is a difficult experience, to say the least. 

Sometimes I think my path to a transgender life was planned, sometimes I think I just evolved. I think that because the more I planned, the less I accomplished. There were literally years which went by without much change at all, or so I thought. Those were the days when I thought I had perfected my wardrobe and makeup but then failed miserably when I went out in the public's eye and found out I still had a long way to go. In other words, putting the feminine image in motion was the plan but I found I needed to evolve into it. I needed to walk the feminine walk more than I had ever had. The mirror had to take a back seat to reality.

Along the way, I was able to plan on carving out precious time in my male life to explore the possibility if I could further explore a transgender life as a woman. I went to many mixers in nearby Columbus, Ohio which were attended by everyone from transsexuals to transvestites to male "admirers:. Somewhere in the middle of all those people was me. I guess I could have been described as a questioner who was just observing all the others to see where I fit. Through it all, there was no way I could plan my next gender move, I needed to evolve into it. 

It wasn't until much later in life until I tried to plan my future. Fairly quickly after taking my time in my MtF gender transition, the time was quickly approaching to pick up the pace. For one, I wasn't getting any younger and if I was ever going to try, I better do it. Plus another major issue was I was becoming better and better existing in public as a transgender woman. If in any way I was receiving negative feedback perhaps I would have felt differently about transitioning but it was different because I felt so natural the more I did it. The more I communicated and existed in the world as a trans woman, the less I needed to plan my next move. I could just sit back, relax and evolve who I was. 

Evolution eventually led me to beginning hormone replacement therapy and never formulating any plans to ever go back to my old unwanted male life. The hormones I was fortunate enough to be approved for helped me to evolve much further into a feminine life I wasn't prepared for. I learned quickly there was no way anything I had accomplished in life HRT opened pathways in my life I could have never planned for, I needed to evolve into as a new human being. 

Once I evolved I was able to be a better person as the stress of attempting to live between two of the main binary genders drained off of me. Even my long bout with having a prescribed Bi-Polar depression disorder became better. Probably because my consumption of alcohol went way down also,  All because I quit planning to change my gender and evolved into a transgender woman I could be happy with.