The Fear Factor

Fear Image from Alexandra Gorn
on UnSplash

No matter how you identify in the transgender community (or beyond into the LGBTQ world) fear on occasion dictates what you are able to do when you go out in the world.

I'm referring to the all encompassing terrifying paralysis you feel when you think you have been able to dress your prettiest and put on your best makeup to go out the door as a novice transgender woman or transvestite / cross dresser. I mention the different labels because they matter to so many in the community.

Of course, in my case, fear of discovery was always a part of who I was. What if the small world as I knew it discovered my deep dark secret of wanting to be feminine. What if my parents found out I rather have the baby doll on Christmas rather than the BB Gun I was gifted? I knew my life would immediately change for the worst and most certainly I would lose my small circle of friends. I felt my overall paranoia was well deserved.

Through all the fear, I managed to keep moving forward. I slowly learned how to dress myself in my chosen gender and became relatively proficient at putting makeup on. During that time I was lucky in that I only had to answer to the mirror. There was no one else. I am sure if my Mom had ever caught me she would not have taken the time to help me be more convincing as a girl. I would have been in for appointments to therapists who back in those days had no idea of how to deal with a transgender client. Many still don't.

Fear was my first and only companion for years as I came out into the world. I can remember how scared I was when I decided to leave the gay venues I was going to and try to make it in the real world of straight places. I don't know now how I did make it but I did. Slowly but surely I was able to use my fear as a motivator and it became one of my best accessories. I think now it pushed me on to be better and improve so I could convince the world I belonged. To this day, memories of past rejections keeps me on my transgender game. Even though I don't put all of the time and effort into my appearance that I used to, I still have the motivation to look better than the average cis-woman who for the most part does nothing when she goes out in the public's eye. I am fortunate in that I have been able to undertake hormone replacement therapy and it has provided me the feminine basics to get by. Such as my own hair, breasts, hips and softer/smoother skin.  

Since anxiety of all kinds has had a tendency to rule my life from many different angles other than just being transgender, I have been able to develop my own set of coping skills to survive. For instance, now I have learned not to be shy in public and be proud of who I am.  It helps to combat the basic fear I have always had of strangers as I was always naturally shy around people I didn't know. I remember a class I needed to take in high school where I was required to be up front at a podium and give a prepared speech. Yes I was scared but I made it through it and the entire process taught me a valuable lesson that I could make it if I tried. Sort of how I was afraid somehow I wouldn't make it through Army basic training so I tried harder and made it. Lessons learned which I used when I began to go out in public as a woman scared to death. If I could only make it the first time, I could make it forever. 

Of course forever turned out to be an elusive term because it took me many more tries to fail before I was successful in my overall presentation as a transgender woman.

After I developed my coping skills and gathered my courage, the fear factor turned out to be beneficial for me.