Business Trips

 

Image from Christopher 
Ivanov on UnSplash

As I look back on many facets of my life I wonder how I was able to hide the many times I was able to escape the house and explore the world as a woman. Several of the more exciting and enlightening experiences happened on business trips I was scheduled to do by my employer. 

I worked for a very successful regional restaurant company and I ran one of the most profitable units and I was a managerial training manager. As such I was required once a quarter to make the trip (approximately two hundred miles) to the company's headquarters in Lexington, Kentucky.  When I was told to go to the training sessions it did not take me long to figure out how to attend the meetings as well as take the time to go out and explore the world. It was exciting to not have the same old time requirements I encountered when I was at home. Once I did I found a whole new exciting world I had mostly only dreamed of.  I only just had to figure out how to pack a whole other set of clothes. 

If you are not familiar, Lexington Kentucky is the home of the University of Kentucky and as such had several large gay or LGBT bars/clubs. I immediately located one of the clubs close to the hotel I was staying in. The only drawback I faced was classes started on time at eight in the morning, so I needed to be prepared for the early hour. It turned out to be not much of a problem since the gay club turned out to be quiet when I went in there during the week, plus I was relatively early for the majority of the other clientele to arrive. As I recall, the only person of interest I saw was another cross dresser. Who I didn't talk to. Even though I was satisfied with going out on the first night as always I needed more. Since the training day I was scheduled for was just that, one day, I told my second wife the session really lasted two days so I could take the extra day to play around. 

For my second day, I decided to stop half way back in Cincinnati and check out a couple of the more exciting gay venues I had heard of before. Before I did, I needed to find a motel room to change in plus I needed to make sure I could pay cash for the room so my wife couldn't see any strange receipts on our monthly bank statement. I am not proud now of how far I went to hide my gender issues but only mention them to show you where I was mentally at the time. At any rate, once I dressed in my best mini skirted black outfit with heels and hose I finally found the large gay venue I had heard so much about, I went in and after one drink encountered a very drunk guy who was showing me quite a lot of attention. Initially, I was flattered until another woman showed up who turned out to be his wife. Fortunately for me she saved all of her hostility for him and I thought I could be in real trouble when he said to her "Why don't you have legs like her (meaning me)." By that time I was preparing to make myself scarce from the bar and headed to the restroom. When I returned, the couple had left and I was safe from being a part of a domestic disturbance. As it turned out, it was the last time I was ever in the venue. It has long since closed.

Along the way, I left the company I worked for to start my own restaurant and I had no more business trips to contend with. I had to come up with other ways to express my feminine side. Sadly it wasn't too long after that my life took a severe turn for the worse. I lost nearly all the friends I had to cancer, my second wife to a heart attack and my restaurant to an economic recession. Maybe it was a touch of karma coming back to haunt me for all the sneaking around I did so I did not have to face up to knowing the truth about myself. All along my truth was I should have been trying to live as a full time transgender woman much sooner than I did.  

Playing to Your Strengths

Photo with jeans
skirt and flowing top
from the Jessie Hart
Collection

I am saddened when I read of another novice transgender person and/or cross dresser who feels they are shut out of the feminine world they want to live in because of how they look. Because of testosterone poisoning the person feels as if they are locked in forever to a gender dysphoric life they did or do not want to live. 

In the first place, I wonder if other transgender women (no matter where they fall in their transition cycle) consider all cis women (born female) don't necessarily "pass" as attractive women. Naturally, there are all types, sizes and shapes of women to be seen. One of the several positives which kept me going when I struggled coming out of my closet was the fact, if I could find clothes the size other women wore which fit me, I could wear them too and do my best to look good. During that portion of my life, I made extensive use of bargain thrift stores to augment my feminine wardrobe. If I purchased the wrong item, I wouldn't be out much money and I could try again and again. The main benefit to me was I could learn which women's sizes fit my body style which sadly leaned towards no hips, a wide torso and broad shoulders. I had quite a bit of disguising to do. 

I started the process by deciding to take off un-needed weight. There is a reason so many cis-women are into diets and I decided to diet for the same basic reason, to look better. My metabolism at the time must have been strongly male because with very little effort I lost nearly fifty pounds which helped my clothing search and allowed me to locate strengths to play to as far as presenting myself to the world. One of the strengths I was always told I had were my legs. Once I made it through my teenaged inspired cross dressing years, I often wore jean skirts and lose flowing tops. The outfits allowed me to show off a strength and at the same time camouflage another. It seemed to work for me as I was suddenly able to navigate the world as my authentic self. To add an extra dimension to my public life, I began to take extra better care of my skin. Having a better basic complexion allowed me to use less makeup and again appear more presentable. 

These days looking more presentable as a transgender person is becoming more and more a priority. With the number of restrictions and hate bills on the horizon for transgender women and men, being able to blend in with the everyday public is a must. I am fortunate I live in a relatively upscale and liberal part of a larger metro area which is known to support LGBT causes but just to the East of us the rural area doesn't. In fact, a group I was part of used to run bake sales in front of a certain very well known big box store in the area. I went and helped but felt decidedly out of place. As I looked around at the other women in the store, it wouldn't been to much of a stretch of the imagination to feel as if I was one of the more attractive women in the store. 

If you are in your closet and need to leave, it is easy for me to say you have to hitch up your big girl panties and try your best to do it. Courage breeds confidence and hopefully playing to your strengths helps you to live an authentic life.            

You Are Not the Boss of Me

Image from Valentina Conde
on Unsplash

 If you are similar to me, you faced near total resistance to you pursuing any sort of a feminine lifestyle. You were born a boy and a boy you would be. In addition, very little information was available to you involving any other individuals who felt the same as you. In my case, I was restricted to seeing the occasional "shock" newspaper/journals such as the "National Enquirer" who on every now and then featured a sensational story about a man who had changed their gender. I couldn't wait for a chance to go with a friend of mine who recently turned sixteen and could drive to his aunt's small corner variety store so I could secretly look through her latest collection of publications. The only other local activities I ever found was a touring troop of softball players who performed in drag as women. 

Through the pre internet dark days, I found away to sneak around my parents' backs and compile a small but complete collection of girl's clothes and makeup. During that time I remember acquiring a pair of girls shoes which fit me. They turned out to be my most prized possessions.  Somehow, during this portion of my life no matter how much pressure I was under to conform, I knew my parents were not entirely the boss of me. In many ways, a radical was born. 

My Mom and I were the same in many ways including temperament and looks and we clashed many times as she tried to impose her will upon me. I often wonder though if she had discovered or at least sensed my excursions through her clothes and makeup but decided to never say anything. Perhaps she thought it was just a phase. It turned out, my love of everything feminine was a phase...a lifetime one.  In a moment I relate to often, after I was honorably discharged from the Army when I was in my early to mid twenties I came out to her as a transvestite. Without discussion she said she would pay for psychiatric intervention. The subject was never brought up again.

In addition, my parents made it known to me my college education was wasted on the career in the broadcasting industry I was working at back then. In essence,  I was striking out with my parents in my gender choices and my work choices. In many ways I had the military to thank for my attitude of it was my life and I needed the courage to live my own life. The way I wanted to live it. My parents were not the boss of me. I am certain they saw it coming as parents do when their off spring becomes a certain age. One thing they never saw coming was my gender choice. Mom never brought the subject up again after I tried to bring it up with her and to my knowledge Dad never knew at all. So, in many ways, I took the easy way out. My parents passed away as well as did many others in my life before I had to come out to them.

Being transgender in the short and long term taught me to be fiercely independent. In order to survive, I needed to develop a very thick skin to adverse life conditions when I first decided to take small tentative steps into the feminine world. Once I did, I was able to learn to be more confident in how I wanted to live. Finally I made it to the point where I could reach out and touch my lifetime dream of living as a transgender woman full time. When I did so, I could sit back and say I was glad all the naysayers were wrong and they were not the boss of me.