Transgender...The Lonely Path

Sadly many  transgender women or men are involved in a seriously lonely journey to live as our authentic gender selves. Along the way a few of us are fortunate and found someone to help us in our transition. I remember vividly thinking I couldn't wait until a cis woman helped me with my clothes and makeup. In my novice mind, helping me to jump start my path to presenting as a realistic woman. What actually happened was she really didn't have much more skill with makeup than I did and I already had most of the clothes I needed so she wasn't really such a big help after all. Plus later on, she tried to hold the whole evening against me when the military came calling with the Vietnam draft. After the evening I more or less went back to being alone on my own transition path. 

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From the point forward I was unable to or did I seek out anyone to provide assistance on my transgender path. Due to timing or trust issues, I never found another cis woman to help me. However, having written that, I did go through a period of being monitored by two wives who knew in advance I was a cross dresser. My first wife was very much a go with the flow type person and she did not add much if any feedback on my appearance. On the other hand, my second wife minced no words and told me what she thought. Rightfully so, I was going through my teenaged look a like crossdressing phase and she had every right in the world to comment on my appearance. The sad part is my phase led to her never respecting my desire to transition into a novice transgender woman. Once again I went out on my own to learn what she meant when she said I had no idea what being a woman was all about. Eventually I learned the hard way what she meant on my own but by the time I did, she tragically passed away. I often wonder if we could have ever made friends woman to woman.

As it worked out, I started nearly immediately following her passing considering how I would pursue my life as a full time transgender woman. What I did was figure out which venues I could go to to be what I called "out by myself". The first realization I made was the so called safe spaces of gay venues was not going to work. At least the male ones where I was treated as a drag queen outcast. I did find a couple small lesbian bars I could go to and had a few very interesting experiences. One night I even had to sing karaoke against my will by a very persistent butch lesbian in a cowboy hat. 

Other venues I began to go to were essentially the same ones I went to as a guy. For years I had enjoyed managing and going to big sports themed venues. Give me several big screened televisions and a big draft beer and I was happy. It took a while to be accepted as a regular but once I was I could have a good time. Ironically going out to be alone eventually led me to a small group of cis women who for the first time in my life provided me with feminine role models I could learn from and be around so my transition wasn't so lonely. 

Overall, even though my path proved to be a successful one thanks to so many women later in life like Liz of course,. I wish I could reclaim the time I spent alone when my only path was between the mirror and me. The mirror proved to be an overall liar in that it told me only what I wanted to hear or see. In the end result the mirror couldn't help me stay off my lonely transgender path. 

Transgender Balance

 The delicate balance between the two binary genders often is very fragile. Take for example how a cis woman date or spouse feels when an in the closet boyfriend or husband sneaks a peek at another woman when the two are together. 

Image from Fabian Moller 
On UnSplash

In an extension of yesterdays post, Lauren wrote in with a very interesting comment. Lauren said her late wife and current lady became upset when she even remotely looked at another woman. What Lauren went on to say was how difficult it was to explain how or why the reason you were looking at another woman was very different. Being a transgender woman often means we look at other women differently. I know to this day, my attraction to other women is not a sexual one. 

On the other hand, I have an appreciation of a well put together woman. Every once in a while when I get out I notice a woman who gets my eye. So much so I have to struggle not to stare. An example was a couple women at the funeral I went to Saturday. They were dressed in black of course, one wore what appeared to be a knee length skirt and jacket with long wavy hair and black heels. The other was wearing pants with her jacket and had very tasteful makeup. Again with heels. All at once I felt envious and totally under dressed, even though I was wearing my best black embroidered long skirt with a nice black sweater. It just wasn't enough. 

At this point in my life I don't think much is going to change. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be one of the girls I envied so much. A big portion of the learning process I wished I had understood earlier was the difference in looking like a girl rather actually being one. What mattered was finding my way out of the mirror which I was admiring myself in and finally getting into the world as my authentic self. 

When I first left the Army and decided to get married , I thought and maybe even hoped the process would enable my gender dysphoria to subside. Which it did for only around six months. After that the old feelings began to creep back in and I was intensely envious of cis women everywhere. Why couldn't I have their soft skin and round curves. Worse yet I had no one to explain my envy to. In all fairness, I barely understood it myself. How could another woman who was born with curves and other lifestyle necessities I so desired, even understand what I was going through. So I took the male approach out and bottled it all up inside me and tried the bottle to drink it away. The whole process made me depressed and angry. Until I finally did something about it. 

Now of course my life has changed. For the most part I am able to study other women from afar. What they are wearing and how they are wearing it. Which as I have found over the years is a true gender art form. I have also discovered the power of a woman to woman compliment. The briefest mention of a woman's accessories for example is a real ice breaker among women. Looking back, I wonder if I had not been so gender self centered and complemented my spouses on their feminine qualities if my life may have been different. 

Just another "what if" of life which age sometimes reveals. As my Dad used to say, "Once you become old enough to understand it's too late to do anything about it." 

Feminine Envy

Many people assume the male of the binary gender spectrum  has a higher level of competitive spirit. Women are just not expected to compete on the same level. But I think they do, in their own ways. Similar to the differences in how men and women communicate, women are often not to up front on their comparative drive. 

Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart

Take for example sports. While women are supposedly the fastest growing segment of sports fans, often they don't take it to heart the way men do. More importantly women compete intensely on family matters as well between themselves on appearance , among other things. Here is another example from me as a transgender woman.

I can't remember a day in my life I haven't been envious when I have seen an attractive woman walk by. I have so desired to have one day in which I possessed even a portion of her physical attributes. Then I begin to relax and think I am probably doing the same thing any other cis woman would do. I am sure even super models can find something wrong about their appearance on occasion. Plus they have a legion of followers to make sure their makeup and clothes are just right for the camera. 

I think too appearance plays a role in married relationships when a male spouse begins to transition into their authentic selves. When a wife sees her husband dressed as an attractive woman for the first time has to come as a shock and the shockwaves have a tendency to rock all she has ever felt about herself and her relationship. Did she do something wrong? How will her friends react to the fact she is now living with a transgender woman and what about family? Once her spouse gets a high heeled step out of the closet, it is nearly impossible to go back to a "normal" life. As I write about many times, my second wife who was fine about my crossdressing simply drew the line at any suggestion of me being transgender and starting hormone replacement therapy. She simply said she didn't sign up to live with another woman. The problem quickly became, as I progressed, like it or not she did sign up to be with another woman and not one she particularly liked. She called me the pretty, pretty princess for a reason. For the longest time before I learned more and more about the feminine world all I wanted to do was dress up as completely as I could, practice walking in heels and putting on makeup. On the other hand, she rarely wore makeup or heels of any sort. It's no wonder our feminine natures clashed.  

Before you assume I am portraying all women as being too shallow in their life lookouts, there are other aspects to consider. My examples are my former hair stylist Theresa and my daughter Andrea both of whom have transgender children. Both of them too are fierce allies of the transgender community as a whole and their children in particular. I am very proud to know both of them and know from previous experience how fortunate their transgender children are to have such understanding parents.   

Women for the most part live many layered complex existences  The process to learning to understand living a feminine life is often difficult and even lonely. Every door you open to a new life, seems to lead to another and another. The problem with envy is when desiring a another woman's existence leads to not improving your own. We can only improve ourselves by developing our emerging selves. The problem with envy in a relationship is it can result in destroying both parties.