Presently Unavailable

For as long as I can remember, I have had a very difficult time living in the present.My mind is always jumping around to other times, places and scenerios. I always was under the impression I simply marched to some distant drummer and that was it.

Now as I think about my life more, I wonder if my mental "escapism" was due in part to my transgenderism. Part of my noggin was available to navigate the present while part of it wasn't.  I'm not saying the other dimensional "half" was operating 100% of the time in a female world but yes it was there a lot.

Perhaps, I just slowly but surely trained myself in a coping mechanism which included my thoughts wondering elsewhere?

Interesting to me as well is the fact I'm into all of this "introspection" at this point in my life.  As I continue to connect my gender dots and merge my gender experiences, perhaps I'm experiencing the opportunity to live more entirely in the moment. Plus (while we are on the subject) , I consider the use of the word merge an incorrect one. I consider I have flipped my dominant gender to the one which was always destined to be me. As my male gender fades more and more into the background of my existence- he is still back there when I need his years of knowledge or expertise in certain situations.  When he dominated though, I could never reach deep inside to my girl soul but somehow I always knew she was there. The world was always just a tad to completely out of focus.

Of course this is all a theory and I will have to leave it to the ones closest to me to determine if focus becomes one of my new traits.

In the meantime I have tired of all this transgender introspection. Lets see, there has to be something else here in Cyrsti's Condo to get my attention!

Ownership at what Cost?

Doesn't matter if you identify as a cross dresser, transgender or transsexual woman or man, owning who we are is expensive.  From the youngest transsexual child who can afford the therapy and medical help,  to the person who comes out trans later in life the physical costs can even outweigh the mental costs- on paper.

Examples? What's a sexual realignment surgery costing these days with or without facial feminization costs? Plus the lifetime worth of drugs you need to begin/continue the process of syncing up your inner and exterior genders. If you are fortunate enough for the process to work at all.

The number of options in our trans culture are countless yet so unreachable for so many of us.  I have said it before of my respect for those of you who stay deep in the closet for the benefit of family or work or both.  I'm the first to admit I was there and tried to it and in the end just couldn't.

So are the non calculable mental costs potentially greater that the psychical ones? Who knows. Personally, yes-there is no way to put a cost on the days of my lack of productivity as I fought my inner gender battles. I know I'm speaking to the choir here, the process is similar to living two lives in two dimensions simultaneously.

Out of necessity and/or choice my investments have been mainly internal. I have purchased ownership of all of me and my closest friends have told me they can see it. Forget the cost of HRT. At the end of the day, my biggest costs have been the mental ones.  It turns out, they were wise investments. Now, before you are diving into your purses for a calculator, consider this:

If  you are putting a dollar amount on your transition and expect your money to buy gender happiness-I'm thinking "it ain't happenin' babes". Then again it's only money right?

Trans Diving

As I do a little re arranging here in Cyrsti's Condo, I ran across a couple of unfinished items.  One of them was the reoccuring question of how I knew it was time for me to move the gender fluid level to female. In my case all of the sudden my whole transgender future was clear as a bright sunny Ohio day. Yes, the skies took a while to clear but when they did it was a "no-brainer" which is exactly why I caught on! But,  knowing what to do and then doing it turned out to be the challenge.

If you have read any of my chatter here, you know I had a unique opportunity to follow my soul for all the wrong reasons and I took the opportunity.  It's indeed like jumping off a cliff.   I just hoped the landing wouldn't be as hard as I imagined and knew it would not be as soft as I hoped for. Just remember the immortal words: it's not the fall that hurts-it's the landing!

Think of the fall like this: The scenery on the way down will not be exactly what you thought it would be and you will have a few unexpected bumps and bruises on the way down. Just make sure when you the hit the bottom, you do it running. Prep yourself for huge climate changes at the bottom and you will be fine- after you acclimate!

Very few decisions in life are as big as when you start messing with gender. Bottom line is, when I got to the gender cliff  I knew I had to jump.   I just had no idea of how I was going to land.

Good luck on your journey and remember to take your jumping shoes with you!