The Trinity

Spoiler alert, this is a very shallow post and it reality it has nothing to do with being transgender. It's actually about being on hormone replacement therapy. (HRT) It's my belief you don't have to rely on drugs and/or surgery to calm your trans feelings. For that matter, you can look like a man with a full beard walking around who feels between her ears she is a woman. The tricky part comes when a person tries to "sync" up  what's going on inside with what they are projecting to the outside world. Since I am not planning on any surgeries, HRT was my only path to helping my feminine presentation with the public.

By now, perhaps you are wondering what any of this has to do with the title of this post.  Another of my not so guilty pleasures I have is watching any and all of the PBS television networks' cooking shows but Vivian Howard's Somewhere South is my current favorite. She is a Southern Chef who also does quite a bit of work with other feminine chefs and features the bond between women. Which of course I am always quite interested in, since I am not much of a cook. Fortunately, my partner Liz is. If you know anything about cooking, the "trinity" is normally made up of onions, peppers and celery (if you are cooking Cajun style).

My own personal HRT trinity is hair, skin and breasts. It's what I rely heavily on when I wake up in the morning. It ties in with my brain and tells me I am a feminine person. Like so many of you, I spent most of my life wondering where I fit on the gender spectrum. I am well aware of the trinity could well be temporary since I have to rely on continued good health to stay on the regimen. 

So I try to be thankful everyday.

Not Good Enough

Perhaps you have read somewhere by now, the Navy has given a waiver to serve for a stellar transgender active duty person. As you probably remember, for no good reason (except pleasing his red neck base) the liar in chief banned all transgender troops from serving. Since I am a transgender veteran myself, this story really hits home.

Now. “The acting Secretary of the Navy has approved a specific request for exemption related to military service by transgender persons and persons with gender dysphoria,” Navy spokeswoman Lt. Brittany Stephens told CNN. 

Here is more from the LGBTQ Nation: “This service member requested a waiver to serve in their preferred gender, to include obtaining a gender marker change in (the Defense Enrollment Eligibility Reporting System) and being allowed to adhere to standards associated with their preferred gender, such as uniforms and grooming.”

The unnamed officer came out after the ban went into effect in June 2019. They were represented by the National Center for Lesbian Rights(NCLR)  and GLBTQ Legal Advocates & Defenders (GLAD).

“The ban has been in place for over a year and this is the first waiver to be granted,” said Jennifer Levi, GLAD Transgender Rights Project Director. “While we are relieved that our client, a highly qualified Naval officer, will be able to continue her service, there are other equally qualified transgender service members who have sought waivers and are still in limbo, despite being perfectly fit to serve. Dedicated military service members shouldn’t have to bring a lawsuit to be able to continue doing their job.”

“There is no basis for treating transgender service members differently by requiring them to seek a waiver that no one else has to obtain in order to continue to serve,” said Shannon Minter, NCLR Legal Director." “While we are relieved for our client, requiring transgender service members to jump through this discriminatory hoop makes no sense and only underscores the irrationality of the ban. Being transgender has nothing to do with a person’s fitness to serve, and transgender individuals should be held to the same standards as other service members.”

Hopefully, in November, the people will speak and the crook in chief be be voted out!

Validation II

I have received several comments here in Cyrsti's Condo concerning transgender public acceptance I wanted to share with you.

The first comes from Gracie:

I had a similar validating experience at the 5/3 office on Fountain Square. I had euros left over from a trip that I wanted to convert to dollars. I was chatting with the teller and the adjacent teller (I was the only customer at the time).

Everything was going fine until the teller asked for my ID. Not sure why the needed it, but their process wanted to link the transaction to someone in their records. So I reached in my purse and handed her my male drivers license. She started typing from the license, then got a confused look. She looked at me and then looked at the license and started fumbling for words. In my male voice, I said, " I wasn't dressed as nicely for the license photo." She smiled and continued on with the process. When I left she said that it was really a pleasure to meet me. The guard held the door on my way out and said, " Good morning Ma'am" . Great validation. I was on cloud nine.

Thanks Gracie! So exciting!!

The second comes from Connie and her unique personality:

The other day, I did my weekly grocery shopping (the only thing I'm doing in public these days). I was trying to ignore the dysphoria that lingered from what I saw in the bathroom mirror at home. It's always been the lipstick that adds the finishing feminine touch to my appearance - to me, anyway. Wearing a mask over made-up lips seems ridiculous, if not downright messy, so I left the house feeling somewhat undone.

While the checker was running my items through, I made some smartass remark (who, me?), and it suddenly dawned on me that my facial expression may not have been detectable because of the mask. Also, I couldn't tell if the young man behind the counter knew I was joking because he was wearing a mask, too. I immediately followed up with saying, "I just realized that no one can see my smile behind the mask. I was just joking...really!" The woman in line behind me, who was not wearing a mask, had heard me, and she bust out laughing. Aside from the probability that her robust laughing was sending airborne particles far beyond the six foot safe zone, the incident completely distracted me from my dysphoria at that moment.

Even though, after I'd loaded the car with my purchases, I applied my lipstick in the rear-view mirror for the mask-less drive home, I did so out of a positive attitude, and not out of a desire to mask my dysphoria from myself. Hmmm, should I call it an "e-mask-ulating experience? :-)

Thanks Connie!

Teddy Geiger

Transgender singer songwriter Teddy Geiger:

Public Feedback

Michelle commented on the Cyrsti's Condo "Dysphoria" post:

"One of the things about Dysphoria is that we seem to have an over whelming need to have others confirm what we already know about who we are. If you really look at it, you already do have some public feedback through this site. I don't know if you have a counter on it but just the fact that you get comments from others shows that you are getting the confirmation. Hopefully soon this quarantine will be over and many of the places we have frequented in the past will be open for business. Also remember that what we see in the mirror is not always what others see. We tend to be harder on ourselves than what others perceive."

All great comments! I do on occasion get feedback from all three social media/blogging platforms I am on...it still doesn't seem to impact my "forever" curse of transgender dysphoria. I guess I am fortunate enough I don't have to get up everyday and get totally dressed for the mirror since the only other people who see me daily don't care. I am who I am to them. 

I guess, the past is just so hard to get rid of! Used to tell people I had more baggage than a freight train! Every now and then the train slows down enough I can rearrange the baggage.

The Planets

If women are from Venus and Men are from Mars where are transgender women from? Without a whole lot of thought, I pulled up a group of pictures of the planets and came up with a quick one which called to me and it was Jupiter although I did like the look of the rings of Saturn. Saturn would represent the circles we trans humans go around and around in as we try to find our true selves. Jupiter I liked because of it's colors.

Jupiter

Returning to the original point, trans people are definitely the gender travelers of the human race. We are blessed (or cursed) with living portions of their lives as one gender or another with out ever having a choice. Many of us are left to view from afar life on the other binary gender planet such as Venus. Along the way too, we often think the grass is greener on the other planet until we live it. 

I am still of the opinion a man's life on Mars is less layered than a woman's life on Venus. Not that each gender doesn't have it's challenges. But, women do have more of an on hands job with the children they birth, the men they marry and the jobs they choose. When I lived a relatively successful life as a man, I came to understand early the benefit of bring part of teams. Be they part of sports, the military or work. When I made it to Venus from Jupiter, I found women don't operate in teams as much as they do in cliques. I also came to learn the power of the Alpha female on Venus versus the Alpha Male on Mars.

After spending time on both planets and coming from a third, I am surprised the genders are able to co exist as well as they do. It is a true tribute to the human race. I also learned how long a trip it is to Venus from Jupiter for a transgender woman. And then how difficult it is to be accepted on Venus once you get there. 

Best of wishes for the smoothest journey for all of you. 

Damn Dysphoria

Yesterday we had a visitor to the house to finally fix our cable television. Turns out third time was a charm since the system seems to be working fine this morning. 

In advance of the technicians arrival, I had to decide how I was going to prepare. Since I was going to be wearing a mask for safety, I reasoned I could take the easy way out and just apply a touch of eye make up. Which turned out to be fine since the person who fixed the system didn't seem to look at me at all. I was the only one looking at me.

For some reason these days, I have been looking at myself longer it seems. Not so much out of vanity but more out of desiring to reassure myself of who I have become since I am not getting regular feedback in the world. By this time, my gender dysphoria was starting to really kick in. One time I looked in the mirror I saw myself as a barely feminized man and the second time I see a fully feminine trans woman. Deep down inside I know from long experience the mirror is just playing games with my dysphoria and I (in reality) land somewhere in between both images in my head. 

My surprise has been how much I need the public feedback which combats my dysphoria. I don't need to go through the contortions of getting all dressed up to help myself feel better. I just need to have a cute encounter with a young woman bank teller to accomplish it. Last week I finally did receive my stimulus check the old fashion way...by a paper check. I received it because since I am on Social Security for several years now, Internal Revenue doesn't have a electronic deposit number on file for me. Getting a check though, was the good news. The bad news was, it came with my dead name on it. So, since I happened to have a deposit slip too with my dead name on it (which ties in with my legal name also) I felt I was covered. 

The girl was a classic. She looked at the name and then at me a couple times before I went ahead and outed myself. Anything for twelve hundred bucks! Right?? The teller didn't miss a beat and said, there was no problem with me being trans, she was just concerned with the money finding it's way into my correct account. It was overall a  reassuring pleasurable experience.

Even though Ohio is beginning to slowly reopen businesses, I am fairly sure we will not be heading out very much anytime soon. Leaving me again to be alone with my transgender dysphoria.

Summer picture from 2015 overlooking the Ohio River

A Transgender Alice?

Transgender author Juno Dawson has come up with a book following in the footsteps of Japanese and Black "Alice's in Wonderland" by writing about a trans Alice.

Dawson herself didn't gender transition until her thirties after already becoming a successful author (James).  The new book itself has been described as being full of cocaine, cosmetics, taboos and tattoos

Be sure to check out this interesting interview from Claire Armistead here.
Check out the book cover too.

Juno Dawson

The Elephant

Connie came through with a comment which may help us all who struggle with how our Mothers viewed our coming out as transgender:

"I'm sure that my mom did not understand my behavior any more than I did. She was embarrassed of me, and probably figured I might have been gay - or some other kind of 'pervert.' Then there was the fact that she had to raise me alone, after my father died when I was eight-years-old. She must have felt as though she was a failure as a parent, and then, maybe, placed some of the blame on no male influence in the house. I'll never know all of this for sure, as we never discussed it - the proverbial elephant in the room."

I think too, women (Mother and/or spouse) do take it personally when we transition. Feeling somehow it was their fault. Unfortunately, many never come to the realization we (the trans person) never had a choice. In many cases, the choice was to transition or to die. 

I have always felt my spouse in particular who didn't mind me being a cross dresser but drew the line at any kind of transgender ideas was (rightfully so) more concerned about what friends and family would think than what she thought. Since she is deceased, I can't ask her. As far as Mother's are concerned, they are more concerned if they did something wrong.

My final point is, never underestimate the influence of a cis woman's ego.As with everything else in the gender spectrum, the feminine ego is as strong as a man's, just in a different direction.  Inheriting a transgender person later in life can't be easy. It is about as far removed as possible from the fairy tale romance a girl may have dreamed of in their youth.

It is just so sad any of us have to negotiate such a traumatic experience in our life. Either transgender women/men or their Mother's and spouses. The elephant is hard to move.

How to Identify a Trans Woman

Bobbie sent me a link on a very interesting post concerning a very proud view of how to identify another transgender woman, from a possible "admirer". The post is I think a couple of years old and is approximately a six minute read. It specifically goes into a few of the challenges we face as we try to make it in a feminine world. Here are a couple excerpts. The first considers height:

" Height is perhaps the easiest thing to look at first. Trans women are generally much taller than their cisgender peers. The shortest trans woman is invariably of “average” to “above-average” height for a woman. So, a trans woman of “average” height compared to other trans women is downright statuesque when compared to her cisgender peers.Unlike high fashion models, whose height often accentuates their frail frames, the height of trans women speaks only of excellence, and fortitude. It is a height that comes from an unrelenting and undaunted pursuit of freedom and justice. Trans women shine out, like a beacon of this freedom and justice, over the forces that seek to see them bent or broken."

The second is legs: "Now, obviously, height alone won’t get you very far. After all, there are some — not many, but some — statuesque cis women. That’s why, after considering height, you need to move on to a more fine-grained analysis of the women around you. For example, you might take a moment to look at the legs of the women around you.

Trans women have incredibly long legs. In addition to their length, trans women’s legs are often firm and unyielding — particularly when it comes to their quadriceps and calves. Some say this is due to the effects of testosterone. However, those who have been around for a while know that this is not the case. The truth is trans women have powerful muscular legs because they carry with them a near immeasurable amount of self confidence every day. Self confidence that would weigh your average cis woman down. 

Laid over this raw power, there is also a softness — a downright sensualness —that amplifies the attractiveness of trans women’s thighs and calves. The legs of trans women are not all harsh angles and strength. They are supple, and smooth, and graceful.

Trans women have the sorts of legs that make you think, “She could snap someone in half with those!” And, if you really want to be certain that you’ve found a trans woman, look for the legs that, regardless of your gender or sexual orientation, make you wonder if the woman in question might snap you in half, if you treated her well and asked nicely."

Thirdly there are shoulders: "But of course, these sorts of powerful, beautiful legs are not entirely unique to trans women. Some cis women have rockin’ legs. That’s why you should also look closely at the shoulders of the women around you.

Trans women have broad, elegant shoulders. You know those power-shoulders women often talk about wanting? You know, the kind that say, “If you screw with me, I will flip you over my head into the nearest trash bin?” Trans girls got ‘em in spades. You’ll notice these immaculate, commanding shoulders peeking out from workout tanks, stretching out below elegant necks, and mirroring the width of the owner’s hips."

And faces: "trans and cis chins are often different. The chins of trans women are usually slightly larger than those of cis women. This is no accident. When trans women raise their chins up slightly, they want to be sure that the gesture thoroughly conveys the sense of personal pride that they have. A smaller, more petite chin can convey pride, sure. However, such a diminutive chin often conveys pride of the aristocratic or elitist sort. On the contrary, the pride that trans women have is a wholesome, blue collar sort — the sort of pride earned through a hard day’s, or a hard life’s, work.

Trans women likewise often have a stronger jaw than most cis women. This comes from years of practice in being, and looking, determined. Through the countless occasions in which trans women have to set their jaw and push forward with composure and grace, it inevitably develops a certain width and breadth that says, “I know who and what I am, and what I am is unstoppable.” This sort of determination is hard won, and so trans women wear it for all to see."

Finally (for this post) the author puts it all together: "However, you can be relatively sure that you have found a trans woman when you have found a woman who stands head and shoulders above her peers; who is powerful and sensual; and who commands respect. You can be sure that you have found a trans woman when you have found a woman who is proud of herself; who is determined; and who is intelligent, brave and revolutionary."

This is not all there is to this post written by Galen Mitchell. You can read the whole post here. Thanks again Bobbie for sending along an interesting different look at transgender women!

Happy Mother's Day

Or should I say, "Happy parental unit day?" That's what my daughter calls me. 

This is my usual Mother's Day post. My mom was a 5'2" head strong dynamo of a person and not one I ever thought would be accepting of having a daughter instead of a son. My only "coming out" moment with her didn't come until I was well into my twenties and was just honorably discharged from the Army. One night when I was coming home after partying all night with my friends, I came home and found her waiting up for me. I was operating under the power of intoxication and somehow the topic came up (I don't remember how) and I told her I was a "transvestite." She didn't miss a beat and said she would pay for electrode shock therapy to help relieve myself of my "problem." I quickly told her, I didn't have a problem and no, she wasn't paying for anyone to hook me up to a wall socket. Ironically, that turned out to be the only time the subject was ever brought up again. She has since passed on many years ago. 

For years, I resented her reaction to my coming out declaration. Then, I began to consider her life as part of the "Greatest Generation." I realized her offer of help was just that. Help for a perceived problem she thought I had. No more and no less. 

When the time came to legally change my name, my daughter and I got together to come up with a name which would be easy for her three kids to respond to. At the same time, I began to think of family names which might work. Finally, I decided to honor my Mom by accepting her name as my middle name. 

Perhaps now, she would be more accepting of having a daughter instead of a son.

Happy "Parental Unit Day" to you all!