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| Image from Marcus Winkler on UnSplash. |
Yesterday, I wrote a post describing the joys of gender euphoria and promptly received this comment from “Joey”:
“Hello JJ! I am Joey. I discovered your blog today from a link
on Stana's blog, femulate.org I am a crossdresser who presents male while
wearing tasteful, feminine outfits. I do feel some euphoria, primarily when I
have been out in normal life while dressed pretty for a couple of hours, and
all of the stress hormones go away. Only my wife and a few other people know
about this side of my life, so it is stressful when I go out in public every
week or two. But after the stress, it is very freeing and happy!”
First of all, Joey, welcome to the blog!
Hope you enjoy it. The feelings you described were similar to mine too. I know
I could not wait until I could shed my male clothes, wear something pretty and
sample what the world had to offer for me that day before I had to go back to
my old boring stressful male existence. Sure, I felt stress going out as a
transgender woman when I first started to do it, but it was nothing compared to
my male life. When I was mistaken for a ciswoman, my heart literally sang with
joy, and the best part about it was, it all felt so natural. What a homecoming!
My only caution about seeking out more of
the male to female femininization process is, it led me to take premature
chances with my life. I did not understand all the layers that went into a woman’s
life and the only way to gain understanding was by doing it. It was only then
that I was given the opportunity to look behind the gender curtain to see what
really went on. As I did, I was surprised to learn that many things were the
same and women learn in their lives to keep certain things secret from men.
Which is why both genders have such a difficult time understanding each other. For
example, ciswomen have developed two basic ways of negotiating their lives
which have to be understood by any novice transgender woman.
The first is the use of non-verbal
communication. Women often give information to other women through their eyes
and bypass men all together. I can’t tell you how many silent warnings I got from
other women when I was in potential danger from a toxic male. The second major lesson I learned was how to
operate in the new world of passive aggressive women. I needed to have my head
on a swivel to look for some other woman coming after me after she initially
was smiling and was nice to me. I looked at both of these major changes in my
life as just another way of playing the game, and the only problem I had was
switching gears when I had to go back to my male life. I had built a career of
being aggressive in my business and the change was often difficult for my
mental health.
Even though the path went quite slowly
for me several times in my life, on occasion, it sped up. Almost to the point
of being out of control. My male self-had a unique way of saving his existence
when it was on the brink of being taken away. Which made matters worse in my
convoluted gender world. How could he continue to be so strong in his
resistance when my gender euphoria was so strong when I was successful as a
trans woman? I am sure you can understand my dilemma and perhaps have even been
there yourself. Somehow, someway, I needed to arrive at a point where I did not
define myself as a transgender woman. I defined myself as just me.
Sadly, that point did not come for many
years in my life. As my male self-fought long and hard for his right to live on
in the world he was successful in. Many times, I good old shot of gender
euphoria was all I had to keep going if I was ever going to have a chance of
reaching my feminine dream of attempting to live full time. Fortunately, for my
life-long dreams, my gender euphoria turned out to be strong too, in its own
way. Far past the feel of hose on shaved legs and the sound of my high heels
when I walked, all the way to having the confidence knowing who I was.
Acquiring the ability to look and another woman eye to eye and communicate on
her level was so important to me as I needed to break the communication gap I
had with the world when I started to live as a transgender woman.
I am aware that gender euphoria can be different
for all of us as we follow our gender paths. Referring back to “Joey’s” comment
that she enjoyed being tastefully dressed when she went out. That became so important
to me too when I was able to begin to blend into the everyday world as I knew
it. Out went the too short miniskirts, replaced my more tasteful denim skirts
was a prime example. I was told my legs were always a fashion positive for me
so I wanted to show them, but I learned moderation was the best way to go when
it came to my male to female femininization process. When I did, my moderation
led to a different kind of gender euphoria when I searched for the best way to
find my dream.
Euphoria, I found, is also joy of living
in a feminine world. Where I always dreamed, I could be. More importantly, once
I got there and was living my dream, it was everything I thought it could be
and I started to wish I had not waited so long to do it. Of course, thinking
that way was just wishful thinking because we are given only one life to live.
I learned I had made the best choice I
could and living as a woman was the way to do it.
