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| Image from UnSplash. |
Yesterday, as I waited for the doctor to see me, I had a chance to pause and reflect on my long gender journey so far.
In doing so, I had the opportunity to think about how scared
I was in the early days of going to the doctor as well as other things.
Naturally, I discovered some other things I was trying in the new world I was
in, totally over my head at times. On occasion, I don’t think I point out
enough how little I had to work with when I started my male to female gender
journey. I was from a very male dominated family so there were no understanding moms or sisters to help me. In addition, my body was very testosterone poisoned
which meant I had no effeminate body parts to work with, except my legs which I
received several compliments on at various Halloween parties I went to as a
woman. While I was flattered by the attention, I rapidly became more paranoid. I
began to take compliments on my legs by thinking the people left out the part
that I had on my legs as I had good legs as a man dressed as a woman.
As I reflect on those confusing days, I wondered how I had
continued to persist as well as I did. I guess the reason was because what I
was considering doing felt so natural even though it was so scary to me. I spent
hours and hours pausing my life and reflecting on where I wanted to go. Too
many hours, to be exact as I needed to be careful, I was missing out on my
regular life as a man. Even though I did not worry about losing my male life
the way it was. I wanted him to go away, but I needed to make sure I did it
right. In doing so, I was selfish. I wanted to keep some of my male privilege and
transition at the same time. All I did was hurt myself and those around me in the
short and long term.
In the short term, I knew had problems dressing my body as a
woman. I had the overweight thick torso and broad shoulders to worry about
which would not go away no matter how much I attempted to display my legs. I
was doomed to failure by wearing too many short miniskirts. My male ego was
working overtime, and it cost me many embarrassing moments in the public’s eye
before I finally learned my lesson and learned to blend with the percentage of
the world I really needed to deal with, which were the other women. It is like
the other women I dealt with at the VA yesterday, I made sure I thanked all of
them for being there, and they really appreciated it and treated me better. In
the past, I would have been too shy to do such a thing.
As I continued to reflect on my past evolution of my transfeminine
person, I remembered again how self-conscious I was on my early visits to the
VA clinics I went to for care. I was so afraid of being stared at, all the way to
being laughed at. Which I never actually was. It took me several years of
progress to overcome where I was in life. It took me the visits I made to the
venues I went to when I left the gay bar scene I was involved with and moved on
after I was tired of being mistaken for a drag queen. Which I had nothing against,
but it just wasn’t me.
At this point, I was wondering exactly what to do. Some I
have talked to mentioned the “courage” word with me when I thought of going out
in the world. On the other hand, I thought pursuing a transgender life was in
many ways, my destiny I had been working on for decades. As I reflected, I
thought how right I was. From the mirror to the world, I had carefully followed
my path and just had to keep doing it. Or, instead of courage, I would never
forgive myself if I had never tried to try out living my dream. Especially when
I had proved to myself that I could do it. I had a giant inferiority complex
concerning my entire life as a trans woman which I had to conquer.
By this time, my doctor was ready to see me, and I needed to
return to the reality of today’s world. At the advanced age of seventy-six, I
view each annual exam as very important of course. Even though it was invading
my time to pause and reflect.
