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| Image from Pea on UnSplash. |
Yesterday, I briefly wrote about how I saw the world differently when I went out for the first time to view Christmas decorations at Clifton Mill, Ohio as my feminine self. I said something to the fact that my senses seemed to heighten as I viewed all the decorations and people around me. To me, the whole evening was brighter and more festive than when I viewed it as a man, wondering how it would be to do the same thing as a woman.
Little did I know the experience would prepare me for later
life as I progressed along my gender path. Perhaps, initially, the new senses I
felt were psychological in nature because I was still years away from actually
changing my gender hormonal balance from male to female when I added HRT or gender
affirming hormones to my system. Which means, I guess, if I was in some sort of
a scientific gender study, I would not have needed the hormones to increase my
femininity at all. Which would be good news to all of you who for medical or
spousal reasons cannot consider HRT.
One way or another, I felt a real difference in my world
when I entered it as a woman rather than a man. If I was cold, I could react accordingly
and not have to be macho and try to ignore it is a prime example. Then, quite
possibly, the biggest change of all was what I was going to wear. I had so many
fashion choices I could barely make up my mind. It seemed I was only limited to
what I could afford to shop for and buy. The sensory feeling of the clothes was
wonderful, and I just loved the big, warm, fluffy sweaters I was able to wear
because they were in fashion at the time and paired perfectly with my denim
mini skirts I was able to find at my favorite thrift store. I discovered that I
was perfectly comfortable when I wore a pair of tights or even leggings with my
sweater/skirt combo in cool Ohio weather.
Even though the clothes did make a difference for me, the
buzz quickly went away and the reality of what I was attempting set in. I have
always believed that attempting to change the human gender is one of the most
difficult things a person can attempt because there are so many roadblocks in
the way. Such as current
misunderstandings of trans women or trans men’s lives. No matter how you cut
it, it is just difficult to explain to a “civilian” what is going through our
minds when we made the monumental decision to jump the gender border. What
could possibly go wrong? Ha ha!
Sometimes, we end up surprising even ourselves with the
gender changes we have to go through to be successful. As we begin to earn our
way behind the actual gender curtain into woman only spaces, we begin to see
and feel all the real differences there are. I know my first girl’s nights outs
were real eye openers for me. I had no idea of how ciswomen interact with each
other when there were no men around. The differences were real, and I cherished
my chances to experience them. So much more than even my new one on one communication
challenges with ciswomen strangers in the world.
As I approached the idea that I could actually take the
opportunity to attempt to go on gender affirming hormones, naturally I knew it
was a huge step forward in my transfeminine development. First of all, there
were the health consequences of a sixty-year-old male starting to reverse the
hormones he had lived with successfully for all those years Plus, back in those
days, there were many naysayers preaching about the possible damage female hormones
could cause on the body. Fortunately, I found a doctor who did not believe in
all of that, and he approved my HRT. When I started the meds, I felt an almost
immediate change. It was certainly what the doctor ordered, and I was rapidly increased
to higher dosages of my precious new medications.
I felt great when my external changes such as breast
development started to happen faster than I expected and was even more surprised
at the internal changes I was feeling. Like the first night I visited the
Christmas lights, when my world softened and became more perceptive, I quickly
found myself in a world where I could appreciate everything more. Heat, light
and sound in particular affected me more when I ventured out in public to my
regular venues.
At that point, all I really knew was I never wanted to go
back to the old male life I forced myself to live. I had found my new home.
