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| Image from Jon Tyson on UnSplash |
It has been a while since anyone has asked me when I knew I was transgender. In fact, it was several years ago when one of my grandkids was coming out to my daughter as being trans.
My daughter then asked me if I had always known, true? I
told her yes that was true except in the exceedingly early days of my life when
I knew something was wrong with me but I just did not know what. As I grew
older and I experienced that first magical visit to mom’s clothing drawer did I
truly knew what the problem was. I really liked the feel of mom’s clothes and
that was only the beginning as I wanted to be a girl full-time sometime in my
life. Just the buzz of wearing feminine clothes was never going to be enough.
So, I set out on a long journey to see if I could ever achieve my dream.
When I was able to begin to interact with others with gender
issues, I found early on that it was not going to be the end to my questions
that I thought it could be. For example, I was too much girl for many of the
cross-dressers I met and not enough woman for the then called transsexuals I
encountered in person at the social/mixers I traveled to. The closest ones initially
were nearly a two-hour drive away before mixers were then set up in a nearby
central location for me. It was then that I was able to meet others who identified
as true transgender women and I fit in perfectly with them. Finally, I began to
have answers to my identity as a person.
Of course, I needed to take all sorts of side journeys as I
sought out the key to why this transgender world had chosen me. In my research
I even came across the theory that the drug “D.E.S” which was given to women
with a history of problem pregnancies around the time I was born, could conceivably
be linked to a person having= gender issues later in life. Because to ensure
the fetus went full term in the womb, the womb was flooded with estrogen to aid
the birth process. I thought “D.E.S.” might fit me because my mom had suffered
through three still births before I came along. Ultimately, “D.E.S” stayed just
as it started with me. Another solution to an extraordinarily complex gender
problem with no concrete answers.
Then there was the victim mode I wrote so much about when I
went through a poor, poor pitiful me time of my life. I could not understand
why I needed to be stuck with all the gender issues I had when no one I knew
had them either. To this day, I envy men who have been able to go through their
lives as men without the added distraction of wanting to be a ciswoman. Finally,
I made the difficult turn considering my overwhelming desire to be feminine as
a good thing. Because it set me off from society as a unique person with a look
at both sides of the gender border. Removing my victim mentality made all the
difference in the world to me as I began to look ahead for the possibilities which
laid ahead. Rather than always looking over my shoulder and dwelling on the
mistakes I had made.
The more success I experienced when I first was able to
carve out a new life for myself as a transfeminine person, the more the wish I
knew mentality I had lived with my whole life began to fade away. From that
point, I went into my confidence mode because without it, I was powerless to do
anything I wanted to do as a trans woman. I found that as long as I held my
head high and did my best to be a quality person in the world, the more people
left me alone since humans are like sharks. They sense blood in the water, and
I was not adding any of mine. Confidence also allowed me to try different
things. To judge if I really wanted to jump the gender border and give up living
life as a man altogether. Even though it was the most difficult decision of my
life, having even a sliver of hope that I could live my dream that propelled me forward
to a gender tipping point that so many ask about.
This time, I could tell anyone who asked why I decided to
leave a successful male life to take on a decided uncertain one as a
transgender woman. The answer I always gave was deceptively easy. I had reached
my own gender tipping point where I was living more as a woman (and feeling
natural doing it) and less as a man as I was feeling increasingly uncomfortable
doing it. By doing as much research as I had, I had given myself no choice as
what I should do. When became now and that was the time, I decided to take the
next step and pursue gender affirming hormones or HRT to sync my inner mind
with my external body the public saw. I knew it was the point of no return for
me as my body took to the new hormones magically.
I knew from there that all my explorations as a trans woman
pus the addition of HRT allowed me the most powerful female privilege of all. The
power to finally be myself. The wish I knew why I was different my whole life was
answered with a resounding yes, I did know it all along and refused to face my
own truth. I was living a counterproductive life as I was going overboard
trying to be successful as a man when I was a woman forced into her shell all
the time struggling to get out. The best part was when she said I told you so,
as she destroyed what was left of my old male ego.
I finished strong when my why me became a why not as I had
the chance to live my feminine truth among the ciswomen of the world.
Thanks for reading along and I hope you will discover your
why me in life! Comments from you are always welcomed.
