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| Image from Elena Moshvilo on UnSplash. |
Following the gender breadcrumbs in my life meant finding the brief moments of gender euphoria I experienced and running with them.
Even when the mirror provided me with euphoria with the rush
I felt when I saw myself as a girl, the feelings seemed to be exceedingly short
and frustrating. I had yet to figure out my longing for the feminine clothes I
was wearing meant very little to me. What was more important was, could the cross-dressing
process ever take me closer to my dream of living a transfeminine womanhood.
Along the way, there were times when the breadcrumbs almost disappeared
totally, leaving me completely lost and back into my closet. In despair, as I
looked around, I did find enough crumbs to keep me moving because I was slowly
learning, failure was not an option. I could take many of the hard-earned
lessons I learned in the male world, adapt them and use them in my new exciting
feminine world. For example, I learned that even though men compete differently
than women, there was an equally intense competition going on between the
ciswomen in the world that men knew very little about. Way past just being
concerned of another woman looked better than them. Since I did not have to worry about that, it
took one more problem away from me. I never thought I looked better than any
cisgender woman and I was not that shallow anyway.
I had more important problems to worry about as I searched
for breadcrumbs to guide me along the path, I was on to transgender womanhood.
Afterall, I was seeking to accomplish one of the most difficult tasks a human
attempt to do which is change one of the most basic needs a person has, and
that is their gender. Starting all over and carving out a new life was daunting
for me, and I needed all the help I could get. For some reason, I found myself with
ciswomen who spread the gender breadcrumbs for me. I could sit back and observe
how they conducted their lives, good and bad. From them, I could see not all
was peaches and cream as a woman then decide if I still wanted to do it. Then
structure my life the best I could. My biggest problem was throwing out and ignoring
all the hard-earned male breadcrumbs I had accumulated. In fact, I had almost
put together the entire loaf which I kept trying to break up and throw away.
The most positive aspect of my life became the nights I went
out with my lesbian and transgender woman friends, and we actually enjoyed
ourselves so much we began to do it more and more. My breadcrumbs became easier
to follow because I was different to my friends. I was not quite a full-fledged
ciswoman as they were, but on the other hand, I was far from being a man they
stayed away from. I was certainly baking my new loaf as a transgender woman
with the help of my inner self who had been with me all the way and was just waiting
to be set free. It seemed most all of my
dark lonely nights were finally behind me again in life. This time, on the side
of the gender border I so long had waited for to open.
Wherever you are on your gender path, I hope it is lit well
enough for you to see your breadcrumbs and have enough gender euphoria to get
you by until you face another learning experience. I know, at times, the entire
experience will seem overwhelming and hopeless. But the light at the end of the
tunnel does not have to be the train and again I point out what a difficult
path you are trying to follow. Risking, spouses, families, friends and jobs are
never easy and is intimidating to say the least. That is why if took me till the age of sixty
to take the leap of faith I always wanted to do…live as a woman on my own
terms.
It is important to note, you are doing the search on your
own terms and the nay-sayers who like to point out you will never be a ciswoman
are right. You can’t, but you can reach a womanhood of your own making.
Best wishes to finding all of your breadcrumbs along your
path, and reaching your dream.
