The problems began when I began my gender path and ran
head-on into many obstacles I needed to conquer. I suppose it all started with
the possibility my mom was treated with the DES medication to help with problem
pregnancies. This was back in 1949, and she had suffered through three still
births before I came along. Even though nothing was ever proven, DES flooded
the uterus with the estrogen hormone in women and was suspected of causing
gender issues later in life with the children under the treatment. Naturally,
if I had my choice of being transgender and being alive, I would take the trans
life every time because the life I have lived has been different and even more
exciting than the normal persons I know.
So, if I cannot blame DES on my lifetime of gender issues,
what could I blame? I doesn’t know it. Could I blame mom for letting me watch
her apply her makeup before she went out, or my dad who set nearly impossible
male standards for me to live up to. Since both of them were products of the “greatest
generation” (survivors of the great depression and WWII). They were stuck in
their ways, and I was left out when it came to any possible discussion of my
gender issues. Plus, both of them have long since passed away, so why bother.
Even though I tried to come out to my mom after I got out of
the Army, and was rudely rejected with the threat of psychiatric care, years
later when I changed my legal name, I chose my mom’s first name as my middle
name and kept my dad’s family name to honor both of them for the sacrifices
they made to bring me into the world. I am sure with the lack of knowledge about
gender issues at all, they would have honestly said they doesn’t know it when
it came to me and my so-called problems which turned out to be anything but in
the future.
As I cracked my gender shell and escaped into the world, I
discovered two main groups of people to deal with. The easiest group were men
who largely left me alone except on isolated circumstances when they tried to
mentally abuse me for leaving the male club, I had been a part of. The only
thing the abuse did to me was prove I had made the right decision. The other main
group was the ciswomen I met. They proved to be very curious of what I was
doing in their world and once they determined I meant no harm and was serious
for the most part left me alone. The only thing I knew for sure was I was getting
more female attention than I ever had in my life, and I needed to make sure I
made the most of it. I needed to walk a delicate balance of when to open my
mouth and interact, then shut up and listen and learn the basics of survival as
a transfeminine person in the world.
The gender learning curve was difficult, but I managed to
learn what was offered to me unknowingly by the women around me. They never
knew all they did for me, but I was amazed at the depth of the feminine world
around me as compared to the male world I knew. At times I felt as if I was
sinking in the new depths, I found myself in until the women I knew rescued me
and made me stronger. Finally, I made it to a point where I did know it. I was
following my gender instincts for a change and doing the natural right thing. It
was time to take the next step and see if I could get approved for gender
affirming hormones or HRT. It turned out I made the right decision after quite
a bit of thought.
