The Power of Fear

 

Image from UnSplash.

The power of fear has always been a major factor to be dealt with as I made it through life.

At the beginning, I always used to run from fear by heading home to my makeup and skirts. Then, when that did not work as well, I needed to find another way to deal with the stress my fear brought on. All of a sudden, the extra feelings I brought to the whole cross-dressing experience began to be intertwined with the fear I felt about having my deep dark secret discovered. Every time I was not discovered, the relief I felt was intense.

As I grew older, the stakes I felt grew bolder when I took my image in the mirror public and into the world. The more I attempted to do it in public, the more my fear of discovery grew right with it. I guess it was because at the same time, my male life was flourishing and it was becoming riskier to give it all up, no matter how self-destructive I continued to be. I operated with the idea that if I had nothing to lose in life, it would be easier if I was discovered and life as I knew it came to crushing down on me.

My prime example of turning abject fear into success came from the night I decided to try going into one of the big venues I had visited as a man but this time as a woman. Something clicked in my mind, saying I was no longer a cross-dresser, I wanted more, like a ciswoman in the world doing the same things I had done as a man. Before I did though, I needed to see if I could even cross the threshold in the TGIF Fridays I was going to, to try to find a seat at the bar. Sure, I could have chosen a table instead, but I wanted to go all out and try to look for more interaction at the bar instead.

As I sat in the car, before I went in, I was literally so scared I could hardly breathe. I don’t remember how many times I checked my hair and makeup in my car mirror. Finally, I had enough, hitched up my big girl panties, took a deep breath and headed for the venue’s entrance. Deep down I knew if I was successful, I was facing yet another major transition point in my life and I knew I could never go back. Spoiler alert, I worked my way through all the fear I was feeling and managed to have an enjoyable time with the rest of the women just getting off work at a nearby mall. Even to the point of ordering another drink. Plus, I was right, I found my life could never go back to the male existence I was forcing myself to live. I had discovered new transitions as a transgender woman in the world.

More importantly, I discovered fear of what I was about to do in my new exciting world just came with the territory. It became as much a part of me as a well-worn set of panty hose when I went out into the world. Eventually, I just learned to live with my misgivings about giving up all my male privileges I had earned in life. Another example came much later after I had completed my male to female femininization, even to the point of starting HRT, or gender affirming hormones.

It happened one hot summer day when my future wife Liz suggested we go to one of those auto junk yards where you pick your own parts. We needed a side mirror for one of our cars and it would be much cheaper if we could find one there. All of a sudden, my old fears materialized about going back into a male-dominated environment. Again, I remembered the old days when I battled fear all the time and I had to keep reassuring myself I was not back in the not so good old days, and I would be fine. It turned out, all the fear and trepidation I felt about going was wasted because the men at the junk yard barely noticed me as they went about their business and we found a mirror for our car.

These days, since I have been out in the world for over a decade now, almost all my lifetime fears and anxieties about being a woman have passed like I do most of the time now. Mainly, I pass now as old which there is nothing I can do about. There are times when I do miss the adrenaline flow of being afraid propelled me into the world as a novice transgender woman. I do think, however, that conquering my gender fears came from my days in Army basic training when everyday we needed to fight to make it through. Then somehow, I used it all to help me be a better woman. Before I became a better man at the very end before I transitioned because I was allowed behind the gender curtain to get a look at how ciswomen live.

The end result was that fear helped me battle through the conflicts I felt because of gender dysphoria. It sounds different I know, but that is the way it worked for me.