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Image from Greg Pappas on UnSplash. |
This morning when I woke up, I took a moment to remember the sadness I felt when I got up in the morning and I was not a girl. I had the same sad realization, I was still a boy and nothing had changed. Plus, it is important to point out that I had no other dreams when I was young such as being a professional athlete or a doctor. All I wanted was to be a girl. I figured I was the only boy in the world who felt that way.
It was on those mornings when I needed to realize I was
still male, and I had a long trip to make if I ever was going to change it. As
my life became more complex, so did my gender dreams. Sometimes, I could not
wait until I went to sleep to see what sort of dreams, I would have that
provided me a respite from the days activity of being a man.
It was not until I decided to come out of my closet and test
the world as a transgender woman, did my nights began to change. Replacing
dreams with action was often a very scary proposition. But it was one thing I
had to do if I was ever going to see if I could make it to a new transfeminine
world at all. Would the public ever come to a point where they would accept me
as more than just a man in a dress. Out in the world to be laughed at. If I
could never make it past that point of being a cross-dresser, did I want to go
on any longer and forget all the dreams I had. I finally discovered there was
much more to being a woman than appearance and it was just my male ego trying
to influence me.
Still, as I struggled along in my novice cross-dressing
years, my gender dreams began to change with it. Instead of just wanting to be
a woman, I started to dream of how it would be to live as an attractive woman
and not have to worry about my presentation so much. I think it was because I
was becoming more confident in myself, and my subconscious self was adjusting to
the new me. More or less, I was reacting to the kinder, gentler world I was in
as a transgender woman, and I loved it.
My main problem then was, could I make it to my dream when
it became a reality. I was frustrated when I thought I could see the finish
line and it was taken from me due to unknown transitional experiences such as
what would I do about supporting myself if and when I made the decision to go
from a male world to a female world. And would I need to prepare to be lonely
the rest of my life because the possibility of someone loving and accepting a
trans woman were exceedingly rare at my age of sixty. I was fortunate and
exceeded all my dreams when I was financially able to take an early retirement
and support myself and found my wife Liz (or she found me) on an online dating
site. At that point forward, I had painted myself into a corner and I had no
real reason to not follow my dream of being a transgender woman full time.
Because I had finally faced up to myself and realized I had always been trans
parttime, even though I could not share it fulltime with the world.
As I faced up to reality, my nighttime dreams began to
change also. Slowly my old male is disappearing from my subconscious too, He is
being replaced by new dreams with me living as my true, authentic self. Maybe
it is because he was pushed out of his final hiding place in my mind. Whatever
the case, I was not sad to see him go.
I wonder now, what my childhood boy would think if he could
see me now. Doing much more than just hiding in a gender closet waiting for brief
moments to escape and explore. I am sure he never thought he would have the ability
or confidence to be who he always wanted to be. Not an athlete or a doctor,
just myself…a woman. I certainly had to come a different direction to claim my prize
but maybe by doing so, I appreciate it more because it was never just given to
me.
The boy I was would have never known his dreams would have
never turned out like this, and being happy would not have been so far away
also when she was playing with the girls. Where she always belonged.
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