Transition within Transition

Image from the Jessie Hart Archives

Along the way down my gender path, I often considered each change to be the final transition I would ever need to suffer through. I was wrong and it turned out a few of my transitions were pleasant, some not so much.

Perhaps I should refer to my many changes more than just transitions within my gender issues. The prime examples I could use are when I needed to break all my home ties out of high school and enroll at an university one hundred miles away or the time I was forced to go away to Ft. Knox to fulfill my military obligations during the Vietnam War. Two major life changing transitions to be sure for my male self. Then there was the human transition I went through when I became a parent for the first time. I remember it as one of the profoundly life changing experiences ever. 

Before you think the only major transitions I went through were on my old male side of life, you would be wrong. I have always considered crossing the binary gender border, is one of the most difficult journeys a human can undertake. My feminine transitions include when early in life I determined I wanted  to do more than just wanting to admire myself in the mirror as a girl, somehow in my dreams I wanted to be a girl. In order to do so, my path ahead became very difficult. Initially, the mirror was very kind to me and the world much more scary to negotiate. 

Plus, there was always the question of how my strongly entrenched male self would react to all the gender changes I wanted to go through. In many ways, he was allied with my wife against the survival of my inner feminine self. Both of them strongly wanted him to survive not her. Secretly, she won out as she continued to transition herself when she took advantage of the times she had to be in the public's eye. It wasn't so long after she started her public explorations, she decided she wasn't a cross dresser at all but fit into the newly adopted and publicized transgender category. Her long standing dream of living a feminine life as a trans woman was coming closer. At the same time, my true self was exploring the world's reaction to her by meeting new people at parties and mixers and learning how to communicate with them mostly woman to woman because very few men would have anything to do with me. Forcing me to develop myself more completely as a new person at least on the feminine side. I still had plenty of questions to answer. Was I gay? Was I a trans-lesbian? So much to learn.  

In the midst of all this new life skill I was learning, it seemed at times, enough was enough and I had achieved most of my goal. Of course I learned enough was never enough and there were always new discoveries in life to make. It at times was not easy when I was bounced out of restrooms or even entire venues for simply being trans. Ironically, one of the managers who made me leave his venue one night got fired and the crew found me in a neighboring venue and invited me back. I had my revenge. The manager was wrong because all I was doing was minding my own business, spending good money and tipping well.

Looking ahead, which I do quite a bit at my advanced age, I see many more transitions ahead. Some are as big as they come. Transitions such as elderly life care and even my final transition (death) are now real possibilities. 

When it all comes, it will just be another transition within a transition. I have managed to survive to this point and at times had a good time doing it.