I watch quite a few vintage movies on the Turner Classic Movie television network. Along the way I have discovered several "William Powell" classic movies. Especially the "Thin Man" series.
Yesterday I discovered a movie called "Love Crazy" in which Powell dons drag and impersonates a woman. It's from 1941. Here is a picture.
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| Pre Covid martial arts banquet. |
I'm sure the reason I do it is goes back to the majority of my life when I struggled to hide my gender dysphoria totally along with the inability to even understand what was going on with being bi-polar. Needless to say the entire process was very difficult and I became very good at hiding my true self from others.
Even though Liz still has to take a pry bar to me to get me to show emotions, I am trying in my own backward way to be more outgoing.
As far as my therapist goes though, maybe I should pull down the barriers and let her have it. Then again maybe not. My Dad was very emotionally withdrawn. It's just so difficult to overcome.
Yesterday was time for my bi-weekly appointment with my long time therapist from the Veterans Administration.
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| Football is getting close! Go Buckeyes!!! |
Since it was a video appointment I did do my beauty routine, pulled my hair back and was ready. I chose a short sleeved tank top which happened to be a beige patterned fabric. I guess on my old lap top camera it looked as if I wasn't wearing anything at all because not too far into the session, she asked was I wearing any clothes?
After the laughter died down, I assured her it was warm in our house but not that warm.
We finished the session with me telling her maybe naked therapy was the wave of the future. She said I would be surprised all the things she sees since the VA started video visits.
Actually, from my experiences when I used to show up in person for my appointments, nothing would surprise me.
Even after all these years, the mirror experience can never be taken for granted. On certain mornings I see too much of my male self peaking through. Then on other days, I am pleased with seeing all my hair along with my breasts, soft skin and rounder face. All of which scream feminine.
To make a long story short, I am living on a gender fault line. Another word for the gender dysphoria which has been part of me for as long as I can remember.
I feel the tremors. Not as bad as when I was trying to live as both genders but still noticeable. I used to have the tremors so bad I could feel an explosion coming on if I didn't cross dress into my authentic self to relieve the pressure.
I would not wish my life on the gender fault line on anyone but then again the chance to experience both human binary genders has at times been electrifying yet terrifying.
Sunday I wrote a post about my journey up to Dayton's (Ohio) VA Hospital for laboratory tests to check all my blood.
All I got out of it was a sore arm and nothing out of the ordinary happened except the air conditioning in the car was working so well, my temperature overall was a couple degrees below the norm. I told the technician I must be half dead. She laughed n on we went.
Lets see if this post works!
Tommy Dorfman is reintroducing herself.
"Today is about clarity: I am a trans woman. My pronouns are she/her. My name is Tommy," Dorfman said, adding that she has officially undergone a medical transition as well.
Congratulations
"G" sent in a follow up comment to the Changing Gender Gears post:
"There's nothing better than acceptance by cis women. I used to visit a shop in England run by two women who knew my story and were fine with it. They treated me as a woman from the get-go.. and passing through the glass wall that separates the sexes opened up the conversation to things that would never be discussed if I was a male. It was the best experience of my life. G"
Thanks for the comment!
Definitely being accepted into the girl's sandbox can provide a wonderful education. Good and bad. I have written many times how my acceptance by several cis women helped me over the rough spots as a novice transgender woman.
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| Pre Covid Picture Taken at an Historical Reenactment |
Most importantly, I learned to communicate with other women on their level, which was a giant gender step. I can't tell you how many times I heard the infamous "welcome to our world." I never was able to explain I was always in their world but had no way to show it.
Sure there were set backs along the way. Being stared at and ignored by some (men) and even being yelled at for using the restroom (women) nearly broke my heart on occasion. It never though, broke my will. I knew I had chosen the right path and had to stay on it.
Finally, acceptance came my my. Some grudgingly, some not. It was so worth it when it did.
Of course I am biased but I have always thought a human changing gender was one of the most difficult things to attempt.
As far as I am concerned, as I began to become more serious about making the jump to a transgender feminine life, I began to practice feminine mannerisms when I thought others weren't watching. I would go to big box stores during their down times just to practice my walk.
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| Earliest known Picture Circa 2012 |
Of course, all bets were off when I started hormone replacement therapy. Even though I started on a bare minimum dose, the changes began to be very unmistakable. The obvious happened, I grew breasts and let my hair grow out. The surprise came when my skin softened and my face began subtle changes. All in all, I had planned a year before I had to put my male self in the closet. I ended up revising it to six months.
As I look back to the whole experience, I was fortunate in that I found a small group of cis women to socialize with. I always say they taught me more about the feminine lifestyle than I could have ever learned on my own. But learn I did.
Putting my old guy self in the closet was one of the most satisfying things I have ever done. Overall though, changing gender gears was as terrifying as it was exciting. It was an experience I was born to do.
When I first heard the news, I think it took awhile for the enormity of the cover to set in.
Obviously, it is one thing to make it into the issue as a transgender woman at all but to make it on to the cover is wonderful.
All of my thoughts turned to "back in the day" when I worked as a restaurant manager and had a "Sports Illustrated" subscription. all my cooks knew I was going to be receiving the swimsuit issue and were clamoring to see it ASAP.
I can only imagine their reaction when they found out the cover model was transgender.
Perhaps times have changed enough that it's time for a Leyna Bloom to be accepted.
Out with my girls. Liz on left, Andrea on right. I worked very hard to get to the point where I could live as a transgender woman. Once I b...
