Cis Gender Dysphoria

Every now and then we transgender women and trans men suffer from tunnel vision in our daily approaches to life. By the way, "cis gender" to me means a person born female or male. For the sake of simplicity, I know these binary birth terms do not apply to everyone.

Last night, I was listening to a cis feminine singer talk about how she worries about how she looks and it interferes with her life. To the point of her questioning the whole cult of beauty. I immediately thought I feel the same way...only worse.

Years ago, when I was first considering making the jump from cross dresser to trans woman, I was told several times by my cis woman friends, "Welcome to our world!." As I saw it then and now, women live in a much more complex world than men.

After all, all women (cis or transgender) worry to some degree about their appearance. Outside of the Walmart queens, the typical woman has some sort of problem with her breasts, hair, legs or other parts of her anatomy. Let alone make up, skin and just what is the proper outfit to wear?

I guess being part of "their world" means accepting a larger share of gender dysphoria.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

As we make the journey out of the closet, often our only friend (or enemy) is our mirror. Alas, though, the mirror tells us only what we want to hear. Again, good or bad. Most of the time, we don't look as good as we think we do...or as bad. We also don't realize the feminizing experience for the novice cross dresser or transgender woman is a trip full of more trial than error. The great majority of us don't have guidance on what is potentially our best, most flattering, style choices. Many end up as the 40 year old mall cross dressers in mini skirts and heels. Before we learn better styles.

The only way to get out of the mirror is to forge our way into the world. Which is easier said than done. Here is Connie's example:

FABULOUSCONNIEDEENovember 29, 2018 at 9:29 AM

"Again, we can only truly see ourselves when we see our reflection in the eyes of others. We first venture out, away from the reflection given by the mirror in our own homes, to be seen. Still, that is not enough, as we are only displaying ourselves as that same image we saw in the mirror. Exposing ourselves to others as more than that two-dimensional reflection finally allows us to see our full selves through other people. This is as true for our gender as it is for anything else about us."

Thanks! A great point to be sure. What happened to me was, the more I got out, the more I grew into my own feminine personality and away from just the outwardly appearance. 

From that point I learned I wanted to pursue my life on hormone replacement therapy (HRT) as a transgender woman.

Get Out of the Closet!

At Monday's transgender - cross dresser meeting, it occurred to me my coming out process was once again backwards when compared to so many others.

During the meeting, I normally have the chance to sit back and consider everyone else's experience and relate it to mine.

After my wife passed away, it left the door wide open to basically fully explore my life as a woman and I totally took advantage of it. Nearly every spare moment was used to go out cross dressed and see if my feminine dreams could become a reality. Then, I met two close cis female lesbian friends who refused to even acknowledge any maleness in me. They kept pushing me to never look back, in many unspoken ways. For example, I was always an invitee to anything from lesbian mixers to football games.

Then, came along my partner Liz who I just happened to meet on an online dating site.  As most of you already remember, Liz is also a lesbian identifying cis female. Even more than the other two women, she refused and still refuses to see any maleness in me at all. This even was back in the days before I started HRT hormones and was still wearing wigs. In fact, she was with me the New Years Eve when I took my first dosage.

Of course now, I wonder what took me so long to accept the inevitable, deep down inside the girl within me was finally going to get a chance to live her life.

It just took others to really see her. 

Snowy, Windy Monday in Trans Land

After a fairly decent day Sunday, which saw temperatures rising to near 60, this morning, winter reality set back in. We have a wintry mix of rain and snow blasted by up to 40 mile per hour winds.

So, due to the conditions, I rescheduled my hour and half one way trip to my endocrinologist. I have enough estrogen patches to get me by, I should be fine.

Tonight though, is one of the bi-monthly meetings of the transgender-cross dresser support groups I attend.

I like to go among, other reasons,  because I normally find some sort of blog material to write about. Although I don't mean that negatively. I have found a few decent acquaintances there.

Tomorrow,  the weather is supposed to be just cold and sunny, so I should be able to just bundle up and make both of m appointments. One with my therapist and one with my psychiatrist.

Busy Weekend

First of all, I hope all of you who happened to travel for Thanksgiving this weekend, a safe journey to and from your destination.

We stayed close to home as I wrote about before and enjoyed a real decadent feast, which I gave blessings for. Knowing full well, so many others aren't so fortunate. For once, Liz's often standoffish brother was even semi nice to me.

Friday night we met up with some old friends we hadn't seen forever. Ironically (or maybe not so much so) I spent most of my time talking girl talk with two of the youngest women at the table...both millennial. It all was very satisfying and pleasant.

Yesterday (Saturday) was football day with The Ohio State Buckeyes crushing their arch rivals, who I can't mention by name, despite being under dogs in their own stadium. Due to a serious brain cyst, I still believe the team's famous coach will retire this year. But I digress.

Saturday night we were invited to go back to an oft visited up-scale Italian restaurant we go to. I wore a cream colored sweater (which I promptly spattered with sauce) with my long black embroidered skirt with flats. Surprisingly, the lead cross dresser who normally comes dressed, this time came as his male self and was less obnoxious. I don't know why the female attire makes him try so hard for social acceptance. Maybe it is because  he feels more secure when he has his male privilege.

Coming up this week on Monday and Tuesday, it's time for my endocrinologist appointment to see if maybe I can increase my estrogen dosage a little bit.

Finally, Tuesday I have an appointment with my therapist and the psychiatrist who fills all my other meds. So it's starting off to be a busy week!

Bucket List Friday

Well, it's the most anticipated shopping day of the year...Black Friday.

"Back in the day" when I had a cross dressing feminine bucket list, one of the items on my list was to brave the crowds as a woman on Black Friday.

After many years of watching my wife head out with several of her girl pals to shop, I finally got my chance to go out when she got a new job in retail and I was left unattended.

When the much awaited day finally made it, I bundled myself in my best fuzzy sweater and tight jeans with boots then headed to the closest/biggest mall.

I don't know what my expectations were but I might as well have been a gorilla in a dress for all the attention I didn't get. Everyone was moving fast and in their own world and predictably, mostly women. I did manage to get into a few stores and shop for a couple of small Christmas items for my wife.

All too soon, the morning was over meaning I had to head home and be back to my old boring male self before my wife finished work and came home. Time has eroded my memory and I don't quite remember what excuse I told my wife how I spent the day. Chances are, with my restaurant job, I had to be at work around three.

Some items on a bucket list are harder to accomplish than others. 

Thanksgiving

It's a day to overfeed myself, watch football and enjoy the company of my adopted family. Of course I have a standing invitation to my daughters. So I have an embarrassment of riches to be thankful for.

As I always write though, I am well aware so many of us under the transgender and LGBT umbrella don't have the benefit of joining their original families for the holidays.

Hopefully, most will have found some sort of support in their local LGBT local organizations, Not the same, to be sure but every little bit helps!

However this Thanksgiving finds you, I hope you are healthy and well fed.

Bunny Transgender Support

Forgive the use of the "transgendered" word in this cartoon...but it is old. Like me!

Thanks to Bobbie for sending it in.

Transgender Day of Remembrance

Here in Cincinnati, Ohio we are having two events to mark Transgender Day of Remembrance and the Trans Day of Visibility today.

As I have written many times here in Cyrsti's Condo, many of us can help each vigil along. Often in small ways from deep within our own closets. An example would simply to vote against the local and national bigoted candidates clogging the political system.

These days too, are a good time to remember all the trans women who have been murdered, for just trying to live as their authentic selves. From the top down in this country, people are trying to erase our very existence. It's always a good time to think about being careful.

But, proud and visible we are! The transgender tribe is getting stronger and stronger all the time. Even the younger generation is becoming more and more gender blind and accepting. Plus, finally, we are becoming a vibrant "T" in the LGBT coalition..

There is still a ton of work to do and we all must stay vigilant of those seeking to take our rights away or worse yet, even harm us. 

Now is a good time to pause for a second and remember all those we have lost and remember all the work yet to be done.