A Complex Life

No matter how you live it, a human life will undoubtedly turn out to be a complex affair. Family and friends come along to complicate our best laid plans. Just when you think you have it all figured out, something comes along to change everything. If we ever figure a portion of life unfortunately we die.

All of this begs the question, if life is so complex, why would we make it worse by attempting to change our gender. Plus I have always felt cis women live a much more complex life than men, so there is more to process and comprehend. For all who say being transgender is a choice, this is yet another reason to believe they are wrong. Who would choose this life if they had a choice? Most certainly my moments of transgender euphoria don't in any way come close to being equal to the torment I experienced from my gender dysphoria. In other words, all the miserable days I went through wondering if I was the only human on earth who wanted to be the other binary gender. It also doesn't cover all the tears I shed when I was laughed at in public. 

I discovered also how much more complex and difficult what I attempting was. So much more than I had anticipated when I was in the initial stages of admiring myself as a girl in the mirror. As I began to step out in the world more and more my feminine side was challenged to keep up. I couldn't just get by on my perceived wonderful feminine appearance. Looking back now on the entire experience, I think most of the people I encountered just didn't care, were intrigued or just didn't know. Just didn't know was my favorite reaction but again, I was very biased. I wanted so badly to "pass" as a woman I still didn't realize how complex the entire process could be. 

Quickly the whole process of communicating in the world became a priority. I recently wrote how I would use my "parrot" method of mimicking another woman I was talking to but what happened when I was trying to talk to a man. My best laid plans of succeeding at communication would come to a screeching halt. I found women did communicate on a different scale than men and it was on purpose. Meaning over time women communicate less on verbal cues than non verbal visual ones. 

All of a sudden life began to be so much more complex than just deciding on which lipstick or wig to wear. People were beginning to see the same feminine me on a regular basis so I needed a name to go with my new self. Plus there was the huge issue of my sexuality. I had never been close to being with a man during my male life so it all was such a foreign concept. I felt at the time just dating a man would validate me being a woman but sex was such another topic. As I began to be validated by other cis-women, the whole issue of sex with a man was a mute point.  Sometimes life takes us in unsuspecting directions as mine did. 

Complex? yes. Difficult at times. most certainly. But my choice? I'd have it no other way.  

She's Back!

Photo courtesy Connie Malone

 After battling Covid as well as going through a very serious operation, my friend Connie is recovering and has sent in a comment into the blog. It concerns the post I wrote on transgender feminine vocalization. It means quite a bit more to Connie since she is a musician.

Here's the comment:

"I've never liked my speaking voice - never. I did learn to like my singing voice, though. The problem with that, however, is that I haven't sung as a male vocalist in many years. My vocal range is definitely within the male spectrum, even at 3 1/2 octaves, but you'd never hear me sing a "Journey" or "Queen" cover. As hard as I may have tried to sing like Steve Perry or Freddie Mercury in the past, I just couldn't reach those higher registers. I've even lost whatever falsetto, or head voice, that I once had, so I can't even fake it. So, what do I do? I have simply stopped faking anything about my voice.

When I sing in public these days, I use only the higher half of my vocal range, which makes me a lesser singer, as I don't feel comfortable presenting as the woman I am while thumping and rumbling out low notes that might make Trace Adkins take notice. That's somewhat limiting (to me), but I've accepted it as just another of the sacrifices I've had to make along this gender transition process. Therefore, I am not the singer I used to be when I presented as a man, but I'm all-the-more a woman when I sing now, even if a more average singer.

Just like most other things in my trans life, it has not been so much adding more femininity as it's been erasing the masculinity.

Of course, I could go on and on about using the phone, which will never be my forte. The technology (or lack thereof) that compresses and distorts the quality of the sound in cell phones makes it nearly impossible for me to sound like a woman."

Thanks for the comment and it is great to have you back!

On the Teeter Totter

 

A Photo of me on the gender
Teeter Totter

Along the way, following the path to change one's gender presents many challenges. In fact, many times the process can be compared to life on a playground. Especially when we are in the midst of deciding which binary gender we will be a part of.

Here in the blog, I have compared the process to sliding down a very slippery slope. When I consider it, perhaps attempting to do a gender balancing act may be more appropriate.

The photo in this post represents my life trying to balance a life between the male and female genders. In the picture my hair was a wig, my breasts were not mine and even my hips were fake.

 So naturally my life was not the most pleasant. The ride up when I was living as my feminine self was quite the high. But the trip down to my cross dressing male self was a real downer. I was depressed for days until the next time I could dress up in my feminine apparel. During this period of my life I was so confused I wouldn't have wished my existence on anyone.

Finally I found the view from the upper feminine spot of the teeter totter to be so natural I wanted to take the high road and take on the fulltime life of a transgender woman. Of course  just writing about it diminishes the level of difficulty of just arriving at a spot where I could even attempt to live a feminine life. It was extremely difficult to the point of even becoming dangerous when I ended up on the wrong end of a couple ill advised adventures as a novice transgender woman. More on that in another blog post.

As with any other piece of playground equipment, warnings just don't resonate with the users. Primarily I didn't see any warnings about losing my male privilege's I had worked so hard to acquire. As my teeter totter rose to it's heights, ironically my intelligence declined. It quickly became so bad I was even being "mansplained"  by a tow driver towing my car how his wrecker worked and how he had a better idea of getting my car back to my house than I did. 

Through it all, the most important part of being on the higher plane of my gender teeter totter was the new view I had was so much more natural. I loved the new view!

Voice Therapy

 

Photo from Unsplash

As I transitioned I envied the deep sultry feminine tones of movie star Jacqueline Bisset . In my mind she represented the ultimate in a voice someday I may be able to come close to. Naturally I never did but a girl can dream...right? 

As the years rolled by and I felt I needed to present the world with a more feminine voice to match my increasingly feminine overall public presentation I did begin to think more and more about my voice. My method I used to try to overcome my feminine vocal problems came when I attempted what I called the "parrot" method. 

In other words, what I tried to do was wait for another woman to speak to me and then try to mimic her tone and inflections the best I could. Seemingly this worked fairly well until I needed to be the first person to speak. Then what? If I said nothing I ran the risk of appearing unfriendly. Which I certainly did not want to do. 

Then I tried the portable tape recorder method. I needed to have a recorder for work so why not put it to better use than boring old work and try to see how I sounded as a transgender woman. When I tried, I was a dismal failure with my fake falsetto I sounded terrible. Worse than if I was talking in my normal voice. 

I finally decided to seek professional help when I learned I could get free assistance through the Veterans Administration. Going into the program I thought for sure I would be the only one seeking help for a feminine voice but I was wrong. The VA had an understanding and knowledgeable staff to aid me. I ended up making the long trip for nearly six months and learned many ideas of how women use a whole different inflection to communicate with. The end result was after learning the vocal basics I felt I could go forth in the world and at the least not draw tons of unwanted attention my way. 

It was about this time I began to gain more and more confidence in my feminine self. I went back to my parrot method and incorporated what I had learned with my vocal lessons to put together what I felt was a passable feminine voice. The biggest problems I have now is projecting what I have perfected. In many cases I am too soft spoken to make my ideas known. 

Long gone are the days of wanting to sound like "Jacqueline Bisset." I just want to do the best vocal presentation I can with what I have to work with. I still keep and refer to my "cheat sheets" or old homework my vocal teachers gave to me. So, I haven't given up in my pursuit of a more feminine voice. I always make sure also to make eye contact with the persons I am talking to to, to judge their reactions. 

Unlike the rest of me, my voice remains very much a work in progress.  

The "Softer" Hormone

Photo Courtesy 
Jessie Hart

 Years ago I started down my path of hormone replacement therapy or also known as HRT. As I began the process I had many expectations of what would happen when the feminine hormones began to be introduced into my body. Before any of the HRT could begin, I needed to find a doctor to pronounce me healthy enough to do it. Fortunately I was and I found a doctor who would start me on a minimum dosage to again find out if my body could tolerate the changes. My warning to everyone is to NOT begin HRT without consulting a doctor. Just recently I had an acquaintance who almost died from hormone induced blood clots. To make a long story short she had to stop the hormones to save her life. 

As I mentioned, none of that happened with me and within a small time I was allowed to increase my dosage. At the same time, definite changes were beginning to emerge. I was starting to "grow" breasts, my skin was softening and my hair was beginning to really grow. I think many of the increased changes may have occurred because I was older (60), my testosterone was in decline anyhow and perhaps I may have had a natural estrogen higher level to work from. I have no way of knowing that now.

All I know now is very quickly I was beginning to appear very androgynous. During that period of my life I was more into appearance than anything else. It was during the period of time I was transitioning from being a cross dresser to being a full fledged transgender woman. Also about this time was when I also became aware of the Veterans Administration's acceptance of transgender care for veterans up to and including HRT. So, being a veteran, I transferred all my gender treatment to the VA. When I did I was able to have my hormonal dosage increased so the changes did also. 

This time the changes began to take on a softer internal route. An example would be the night I was brought to tears when I was sitting on my porch watching an oncoming storm roll in. I don't know why I cried but I did. As it turned out, crying was just the tip of the iceberg. Very quickly I was becoming noticeably internally softer. My internal body temperature changed as I was colder than I had ever been in my life. Plus my sense of smell became more intense. 

You may think I found out the hormonal way that estrogen in reality did mellow me out and was much more than a method to femininize my body. Ironically too, the changes keep coming after all these years (7) on HRT. This morning I was marveling how feminine my thighs are becoming and how much better they will look this fall in my leggings. 

As I wrap this post up, I can only say hormone replacement therapy is a wonderful method to femininize yourself inside and out. But I know too, not all either think they need it or can't tolerate it medically. 

Whatever the case be careful.      

The Gender Blender

Photo from Unsplash 

Recently I have been binging on PBS cooking shows. In other words, Martha Stewart and her minions for some reason interest me because even though I can cook, Liz does most all of it for us. So  the same as most of the things I do in life nothing makes total sense. 

As I watched the shows though one of the things I noticed was the reliance all the cooks have for food blenders and/or processors. Then of course I started to think how my gender during my life has been affected by a huge blender.

Early on I seemed to add in (or sneak in) as much feminine life I could. As the blender turned, my old male self prevailed and I still tried my hardest to pursue a false life as a male. The solution was I began to add more and more feminine ingredients into the mix.

First it was just going out shopping as a woman. Then it grew into a much more serious path as I met and began to meet and establish friendships with those people who only knew my feminine side. Even with all of this happening, or maybe because of it, I started to add a bigger share of feminine ingredients into my gender mix. The more I added the better the mixture tasted. Even though I was risking the life of friends, family and male privilege I had worked so hard to establish. 

Finally, since my mixture was tasting so good and the results felt so natural, I decided to take the major step and add the hormone replacement therapy ingredients into the mix. Of course when I did it, the outward balance of my gender perception really began to shift to the feminine side. Plus  internally my emotional make up was changing also. 

The more I blended away my old male self, the more I didn't miss him. Life made it to a point where I barely remember him at all. Plus, I am so happy I made the choice to keep adding more and more feminine ingredients to my gender blender.

I am waiting now for a well known transgender chef to come up with their own cooking show and feature their own gender blender!

In the meantime, I can't thank all of you enough who subscribe, comment or clap for all my posts on several different writing platforms, it means everything to me and I even am able to retain a portion of your hard earned money if you subscribe. Thanks again!

Pic Nic Day

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

 I didn't think about it immediately but the picnic Liz and I attended yesterday was my first ever as my authentic self.  None of that mattered however, I was just looking to enjoy the day. 

I guess rule one with a picnic is having good weather and we were blessed with a close to perfect mid summer southern Ohio day. Rule two for me is having a place to sit down and eat. It is also important to note the picnic was hosted by the transgender - cross dresser group I am a member of. The majority of people attending I believe were transgender in various stages of transition along with a few spouses and cis women. 

The food was good and even the diverse group of people managed to play well together without any of the "I am more trans than you" rhetoric or any other politics sneaking in. With me others know what side of the political fence I am on and they leave me alone if they wanted to or not. 

It was nice also to see a few acquaintances we haven't seen in awhile and of course look back on a few of the long gone gay venues in Cincinnati we happen to frequent on different occasions. I am not from Cincinnati so my visits were far fewer than others. Plus I had to really try to come up with excuses to use on my wife on why I was spending a night away from home. How I worked it out was my company's headquarters was in Lexington, Kentucky so Cincinnati happened to be about mid point in my trip from home. I only managed to find it and make it there twice. Instead of staying overnight in Lexington, I would stay in Cincinnati.

One of the visits was very memorable. I got all dolled up in my best tight short mini, black top, heels and blond wig and I was ready to go after applying my makeup. From my knowledge of gay male venues I was not expecting much attention but I got a real surprise. Fairly quickly I was attracting quite a bit of attention from a guy at the bar. In a relatively short period of time, he moved over close to me and started a conversation. 

It wasn't too long after that when he started to try to  touch me until this other woman showed up looking for him. Quickly I was thinking now what I did I get myself into. Then he made things worse in my mind when he aaid to her "Why don't you have legs like her (me)!" I just gave her a sign like I give up and walked away and luckily she did also. 

That was my share of picnic topics  while the other person was talking about having sex in cars with other guys. I guarantee our topic was spicier than the food! I can't speak for the rest of the thirty or so people that were there but I imagine their conservations were rated "PG". 

    

And the Process Begins

 

Liz on left and I. Photo courtesy Jessie 
Hart

After nearly eleven years, my partner Liz and I have decided to "tie the knot" and get married. No need to hurry, right? 

This morning I was able to fill out the necessary paperwork forms on line here in Cincinnati. 

Overall, we are looking to have a very small wedding in October with Josh our "officiant" my daughter and anyone who wants to come from her family plus her son AJ.

This will actually be my  third marriage and none of the others were really fancy affairs. On the other hand, it is Liz's first marriage so I am leaving the planning up to her. At this time I don't anticipate donning a fancy white wedding dress for a number of reasons. For one white should be out because I am far from a virgin. Secondly I can't see spending the money on a dress I would only wear once and finally none of my other weddings were "dress up" affairs so there is no reason for this one to be either. 

There are several other decisions we have had to make ahead of time. One of which was one of us who would naturally migrate towards the wife's role and that would be me. So you could say Liz put a ring on it after eleven years. The second major decision was who was going to change names (if either). To make things easier on me, Liz has agreed to take on my last name. 

I am sure as we grow closer to the actual marriage date there will be other hurdles to jump. In the meantime I am going to try to enjoy this latest chapter to my life. 

The Broadband Gender

 

Photo by Compare Fibre on Unsplash

"Wikipedia" defines broadband as "In telecommunications, broadband is wide bandwidth data transmission which transports multiple signals at a wide range of frequencies and Internet traffic types, that enables messages to be sent simultaneously, used in fast internet connections."

For this post I am attempting to equate a transgender person with having a broadband look at gender. Even though we have our peaks and valleys of transitioning, the end result is we still have the chance to live as one gender or another during your life. 

Going back to the definition, the ability to transport multiple signals also describes many transgender women and men. Rather if we like it or not, along the way in our life we learn the hard way (in my case) to live as a male cross dresser. It took me years to finally come to the conclusion that all along I wasn't cross dressing as a woman but doing the exact opposite. 

When I transitioned into a feminine world and started to try to date men, I found I was left out in several areas. I was biased but I felt a transgender woman had a lot to offer a man in a relationship. After all I had spent enough years on the other side of the gender border to have an idea of what a man would want. My only drawback was I was woefully unprepared sexually. I was prepared to learn though. As my life would direct me, I would meet and stay with other women mostly so I never had to explore further being with a man.

For the longest time, I couldn't understand why more women were interested in me as I was transitioning than before. Maybe it had to do with the fact I was obviously not living a lie and sexually women weren't as uptight as men. So they were not so shy to be seen with me. Through it all I was able to become the "broadband gender." All the time I was spending with women allowed me to learn, communicate and live my way into a life I only ever dreamed of living. 

Sometimes I think much of society which is against the transgender population is jealous of us. We are the select few who somehow negotiate the often perilous journey to finding our true gender selves. How many of the gender bigots secretly wish they could live just a portion of our lives. Then there are the cis women who will always refuse to accept transgender woman just because at sometime in our lives they think we were men. 

Either way, it is a steep path to where we can take advantage of being a part of the broadband gender. In many ways it can be described as reaching a sort of gender euphoria. Was it singer/songwriter Joni Mitchell who wrote the song "Both Sides Now".  The song itself is about love but has a couple verses which can lend themselves to a transgender life:

"I've looked at life from both sides now

From win and lose and still somehow

It's life's illusions I recall

I really don't know life at all"

Maybe being the broadband gender we do have an idea of life from both sides of the gender spectrum.