Climbing Walls

As 2017 comes to an end, it's time to reassess the year and look ahead to 2018.

As I look at my life, I consider my Mtf transgender transition not unlike climbing a series of walls. Of course, some, like HRT or having legal gender markers changed are more serious than others.

2017 was fairly quiet for me. I look back at the year as one of stabilization. I was able to continue living day to day as a woman and learned from it...although not as dramatically as earlier in my transgender life.

Since I have been on HRT steadily now for three plus years and have even completed all my legal gender markers changes which are possible, what is next?

I still would love to have breast augmentation surgery someday to compliment my hip developement, but finances continue to be a issue in the near future.

Other than that, I still need to work on projecting an "aura" of femininity. I feel the need to out do cis women in this area, as they take their femininity for granted. Some, not so well.

Looking further back, I remember the excitement of someone like Cyrsti's Condo reader Marcia who is looking ahead to 2018.  Having the chance to finally achieving her dream of transitioning fully! How scary/exciting it was for me.

Either way, looking ahead at a new year is always exciting for me. A chance to find other walls and climb them.

In fact, I am thinking of adding "Walls" into my proposed Trans Ohio Symposium workshop in the spring.

It's OK!

As I wrote in the last Cyrsti's Condo post, there is plenty of room to differentiate cross dressers and transgender women.

An example is one of the professed cross dressers who comes to one of my transgender support group meetings. She is quite attractive and seems to be quite secure in who she is. She says she is satisfied with a life that has her looking like a cis woman part time and living like a guy the rest. Yes, she is married.

Granted, to be able to live like she does, one has to have an understanding spouse.

I wonder too, if the number of trans nazi's who drift through the group, influence her too. Several just aren't pleasant people and don't seem to be secure in their Mtf transition. One is even a total "IQ-45"(Rump) fan, which I can't come close to understanding. She went through SRS several years ago and just has a level of meanness which doesn't lurk so far beneath the surface.

Of course, being trans is not just a trait you somehow acquire, I believe you are born into it...or not.

The cross dressers in the group profess having the freedom to dress or not, but a transgender person doesn't. The difference being, a cross dresser wants to look like a cis woman, while a trans person wants to be a cis woman. Or live the life of one.

Some, like the person at the meeting, are fortunate to have been able to transition well enough to step between the genders. Most just aren't.

Either way, it's OK to exist together. Cross Dressers and transgender women are just as different as drag queens are to us.

More Cross Dressers Versus Transgender Women

Here in Cyrsti's Condo last week, we examined briefly, the subject of cross dressers and how they relate to transgender women, if at all.

Some feel cross dressing is simply a fetish activity which is essentially harmless, while others are fairly sure being a cross dresser is a gateway to becoming transgender over the years. Paula Goodwin sent in an interesting comment:

"Paula GoodwinDecember 28, 2017 at 1:10 PM

I think we are all part of the same family, different expression of the same issues, different situations, allowing different levels identity expressions.

Of course our different situations also mean we have to find conformation of our identities in different ways. Today I can go out into society socialising, shopping, working and play authentically, much of this is inaccessible to the cross dresser, who is only allowed outings on high days and holidays, or maybe not at all. For them the selfie may be the only authentication they can receive.

Our social group is more than happy to have cross dressers, non-binary, full time, part time and any other expression of trans as members, ~ and we try to be nice to each other."

Thanks Paula!

I think, there is also a certain amount of friction between the two groups because they are so radically different. 

More on that later!

Meeting of the Minds

Yesterday marked the first time ever I was able to assemble two out of three or four of the most important people who helped me along with my Mtf transgender transition.

Liz was off of work for the holidays and made the journey with me to my VA therapist who initially approved my request for HRT. Some four plus years ago.

My partner Liz of course was instrumental in always viewing me as a woman, trans or not. She also helped me ( and or pushed me) into doing all the work to change my legal gender markers (possible).

It meant a lot to me to tell both of them how much it meant to me and of course, they were gracious and deflected all the praise back on me.

We LGBT trans women know though that throughout our transgender journey's, there are more than a couple of individuals who help us along. Knowingly or not.

I have written many times here in Cyrsti's Condo of my deceased wife of twenty five years calling me the "pretty, pretty princess" who only wanted to experience the fun part of being a girl, without ever knowing what cis-women really went through.

I took the direct hit and set out to figure out what she meant and, over the years, finally understood . The levels of gender communication alone were nothing I had ever experienced of course. I never had to.

She also taught me the hard way to take the time to express what you feel to loved ones while they (or you) are still in this world. My wife passed away quite quickly and unexpectedly. If you have something positive to say, you better damn well say it!

Three Years Yesterday

If you are not aware, it was almost exactly three years ago when transgender teenager Leelah Alcorn stepped out in front of an interstate bound semi truck and ended her own life.

More than allegedly, she was forced into a Christian conversion therapy program by her Evangelical leaning parents which went terribly wrong.

This happened just Northeast of Metro Cincinnati.

Perhaps Leelah's legacy has not been forgotten, as another misguided mother in the area ended up losing her transgender child (so far) into court ordered foster care. Again, so called "Christian" therapy was called into question. Supposedly, the trans kid was subjected to being force fed six hours of Bible verses a day.

While it seems, some parents never learn, maybe society is coming around to protect transgender kids subjected to this terrible activity.

Transgender New Years

As promised, Connie's reply to Marcia's Cyrsti's Condo comment:

"MarciaDecember 23, 2017 at 8:37 PM

Thank you Cyrsti and a huge thank you to Connie. This post really spoke to me. I am currently very much in limbo, a foot in each gender I am doing all the footwork (at 57) to be three dimensional and fully me in 2018. "

FABULOUSCONNIEDEEDecember 26, 2017 at 5:53 PM

Marcia, I am happy what I said resonated with you. It was in my 57th year that I recognized a breakthrough in my own transition. Yes, the footwork is very important, as are the "headwork" and "heartwork." In my evaluation, transition never really ends, and the work doesn't, either.

I get a "word of the day" in my inbox each day, and I think that today's is a good one for some of what I had said in my comment. The word is: abeyance
noun | uh-BAY-unss

Definition

1 : a state of temporary activity : suspension — used chiefly in the phrase in abeyance

2 : a lapse in succession during which there is no person in whom a title is vested

I think it describes the limbo we find ourselves to be in, at some point or another. I pray that the whole world will soon see you as the full person you see yourself to be!"

Happy New Years to both (and all) of you!

New Year's Resolution

The beginning of a New Year is always a great time to make a resolution (or two) and make changes in your life.

Rarely though, does a human being have a chance to make a resolution as momentous as changing one's gender.

Indirectly, it happened to me.

Even though, I had decided it was time for me to MtF gender transition from part-time cross dresser to full time transgender woman, I had not started my hormone therapy.

As luck would have it, I received my first prescription of estrogen just around the middle of December. I decided to wait until New Years Eve  to take the first pill with Liz at my side. This was nearly four years ago and I was to start HRT on a minimum dosage for the first six months to check for any adverse reactions.  After the first six months, I proceeded to have my dosage increased to what my Doctor perceived was still a safe dosage. Eventually I switched to the Estradiol patches which I am on today.

As New Years Eve approaches again, Liz and I will take a moment to remember the momentous occasion a few years ago.

Little did we know what the future would bring with things such as changing my gender markers, etc.

At least one reader of Cyrsti's Condo (Marcia) is ready to embark on a similar journey and reacted to a comment Connie sent in.

I will post Connie's answer in my next post. 

Oil and Water?

A follow up post about the site I recently linked to here on Cyrsti's Condo, will refer to the possibility of bridging the gap between cross dressers and transgender women.

Sometimes I wonder if we are the equivalent of oil and water mixing.

Of course, during the stages of a Mtf gender transition, many of us pass through being what we believe to be a cross dressing period. Then gradually we find,being feminine is a natural way of life for us and we begin to think of ourselves as transgender.

This transition makes it incredibly difficult for us to explain to a spouse, family or friend what is going on with us. Simply wanting to wear clothes of the opposite gender is easier to pass off (no pun intended) than wanting to switch and live full time.

Also, the incredible tiny yet huge differences between the binary genders can not be easily explained or even learned without real life experience.

I do think cross dressers can understand transgender women and vice versa.

It;s hard for me though, to understand the cross dressers who seem to be more interested in posting a selfie, rather than caring what is happening to LGBT rights overall. But there was a time, I was guilty of the same thing. It took me years to figure out when and if someone took the time to tell me "how good I looked" was there a silent "for a man" attached to it?  Plus learning to live a feminine life encompassed so much more than looks or passing.

Maybe I have been chosen to experience binary gender dysphoria and fluid dysphoria in the same life?

Why not?

Time Heals All?

Well, not quite, but at the least, time does have the benefit of softening unpleasant memories.

In a recent comment on a Cyrsti's Condo post, Connie mentions (among other things) the concept of my deceased wife eventually coming to terms with and/or accepting me being a transgender woman:

  "FABULOUSCONNIEDEEDecember 25, 2017 at 11:19 PM

It's coming up on ten years when my wife and I finally started dealing, truthfully, with my gender identity. She had not been happy with my cross dressing, and it was about to end our then 35 years of marriage. We reached an agreement that allowed me to be myself, Connie, on a semi-regular basis, although not with family and old friends. Her one demand, at the time, was that, if I grew breasts, I would be out of here. Over time, we have transitioned together, and she may even feel a little sorry for me that I am unable to undergo HRT for medical reasons. Your wife may have relented over time, as well.

My mother and my brother both died the following April. I regret never even discussing my gender identity with them, even though they had known that I cross dressed when I was young. Their absence from the family get-together was felt today. If only my presence, as the woman I am, could have been felt by them when they were alive.

You're right, perspective is all-important. But, really, when will my Christmas wish come true? "All I want for Christmas is my two front teats, my two front teats, my two front teats...."

Sorry about the loss of your brother and mother and the holidays are a bitter reminder that death is final. As long as someone is still alive, reconciliation is still possible. 

I do think too, my wife and I would have remained friends and she may even have become to respect or even grow fond of the true person I was to become.

As far as those "teats" go, put your best breast forward.