Full Circle!

I enjoyed a special week this week.
I went out on my first date ever with a guy.  As I've written a number of times, as recently as a year ago I really didn't want much part of it.
The change in thinking has been gradual. When I did attract positive male attention, I accepted it as validation of how I looked.
As we all know, on line attention is 98% trashy. I've been approached by guys with sexual ideas I didn't even know existed. Most all are very sure if I'm transgendered I'm ready to jump into the nearest hotel room to fulfill their fantasies. Some are frustrated former crossdressers who live their fantasies through me and I really have no problem with them as such. As a transgendered girl, however I demand the same respect they would give to a genetic woman.
Every once in a while, a seemingly real guy surfaces. Not a hotel Romeo. Not really up on transgender life but is intrigued by my picture and profile. That guy came around about 6 months ago.
Very briefly we chatted about life. We exchanged emails and finally decided to meet in person.
Fortunately we made the plan only a couple days before, so I had less time to be really nervous.  How would I react? Could I pull it off? It turned out I didn't have to pull it off at all!
I carefully picked out an outfit that had some edge to it but was conservative at the same time. A basic top, long open sweater and my favorite jeans with flats. I felt I looked the best I could with what I had to work with.
We picked a place that I would most comfortable and I arrived a little early. (To try to calm down)
As I sat there, I remembered the first time I came to this place. My first trip out as a girl to a straight venue nearly 12 years ago and I was scared to death! As luck would have it one of the bartenders from that night was working and I tried to sit as close as I could to the seat I had. Indeed I was coming full circle. Scared on that first night to just be out and scared 12 years later on a date.
He arrived and we exchanged a hug and my first two impressions were that he was a good looking guy and a big one!
From that point, I didn't have to "pull it off". My natural inner girl just took over. My best description would be my male self was in a trance-and gone. She took over the controls and was doing what comes naturally.
She had served her time in the shadows and now was having fun.
Two hours or so went by in seconds it seemed. The euphoria lasted much longer.
Of course I had to talk to my BFF about the date! She is a genetic girl and listened with amused intent.She said "do you think he will call you again?" That's what real women deal with". Get used to it!
Well, he did.

Wrong Place-Wrong Time-Right Reason

You want to do what?
A very drunk guy who obviously had the alcoholic courage to approach me asked me that question.
He started with the usual "are you a guy or a girl" and proceeded to bore me from there. First I told him "if you were sure I was a girl you wouldn't have asked the question." If  I was a genetic female, I would have been highly upset.
By this time I was thinking-can he please be done? Leave me alone and find a new interest. In addition my bartender friend was starting to monitor the situation.
Of course, he wasn't done. "If your a guy, why would you want to dress like a woman" popped out of his mouth.
Before I go any farther, I would like to point out these are questions I would routinely answer from rational people.
My answer? "I do it because I want to and I do it because I can."
By this time, he was really starting to annoy me so I made the proper eye contact with the bartender and the adventure was over.
Later, when I was mulling over the incident in my mind-I thought it was a shame the guy had to be drunk when he asked those questions.
It is true it was none of his business. On the other hand, if we are ever going to educate people about transgender individuals-this is the way.  We are teachers every time we are in the public's eye.
I think most people have no conception of what being transgender is all about.
They knew that "Uncle Frank"used to wear ladies panties and they know who "Ru Paul" is. That's about it except for the great exposure we get on the "Springer" show. The burden falls on us to change some of that.
I believe it is changing for the younger generation and for me too.
When I first started living as a girl two or three times a week, the people who approached me were almost exclusively female. As time went on more men approached. Now, not much of any.
I have several theories.  I'm more comfortable in my female role. Humans are predators and will circle like sharks if they sense something is wrong. Better yet is the theory that people are learning transgendered people are just that-people.
I really hope that theory is the right one!
Realistically I know we have such a long way to go. In the meantime it is nice to think I might be following in the high heeled steps of some the transgender pioneers such as"Virginia Prince".
It's nice to be needed!

Transgender Survival Guide

Here is one many personal looks  into the funny and not so funny life on the gender divide! Enjoy!
It may be time to soften your look when-a little girl looks at me and says to Mom "Look Mommy at the big woman. The big MEAN woman!" At least she saw me as a woman.
You KNEW it wouldn't work but you tried it anyway. That mini skirt sure looked good on that teen aged girl. Not so much on you. In that big box store. In the middle of all those not so upscale shoppers with something to say.
Maybe YOU should have asked for her feminine hygiene product? You left yours in another purse. When the time came to pass another girl test I failed. Another woman asked me for a spare tampon. I couldn't tell if she was checking to see if I EVER really needed one, or if she really did.
She was only trying to help! Yet another restroom misadventure. Somehow I managed to get some TP stuck in my belt in a store restroom. As I left a woman said "excuse me mam". As I froze in panic, she said " you have a piece of paper stuck to you belt".  Relief turned to extreme embarrassment! Lesson of the day-use ALL the mirrors available.
I CAN'T go dammit! I finally get the magic invitation to go to the ladies' room from a girl setting next to me at a pub one night. My first such invite.I didn't have to go but couldn't turn down the chance. Upon arrival, in adjoining stalls I couldn't pee a drop and wondered if she noticed. If you don't know,  a woman's flow makes a very distinctive louder sound.  Without being too graphic, you have to aim straight down to duplicate. By the way the girl never said anything and we fixed our makeup and went back to the bar.
The ship goes down! My new beautiful boots on their maiden voyage. Hair flowing, tight tucked in jeans, low cut sweater doing my best to look good and sexy! NOT when I slipped and fell.. In a sports bar. In the midst of a predominately male crowd. I wasn't planning on leaving until then! No the boots were NOT high heeled stilettos.  A moderate wide heel is all that was needed to take a fall. There had to be a woman in that crowd that thought "why was that bitch wearing those boots anyway?"
I think I know what I'm doing? I was shopping for clothes when a well meaning clerk was positive I need help in selecting female basics. "This is a bra, these are some panties."  Really? I'm fairly sure I'm standing in front of you dressed totally as a girl so I might have an idea of how it happened!
It gets worse! One clerk told me " You need to cover up those big old legs" I calmly told her "at least you can cover legs, how about your figure?"
I've got you under my spell. Our eyes meet in a crowded room and we just can't turn away. Is it love or lust or just another clerk in a store. You guessed right-another clerk. I feel like some sort of hypnotist.  "Look into my eyes!" Oh wait, you already are! What now? I'm flattered, or scared?
You aren't flustered are you? Were you the bagger in the grocery store that lost all coordination and vocal skills as you bagged my groceries? I could just imagine what the female cashier said to him after I left. Poor guy was just trying to be nice when he volunteered to help take my groceries to the car! I was just wearing a long sweater, short skirt and flats. Doesn't everyone?
The fun part about this is, it's a continuing process. My part time girl life is never boring and lessons are never complete.
As you've guessed or already know, crossing the gender boundary and coming back is huge task.  What you take for granted isn't. What you don't take for granted is.
One thing is for certain. I will have plenty to add to this. In the mean time, thanks to all the well meaning good people I've met who have helped me on the way.

Before and After. Bill O"Reilly

Here is a little known picture of Bill O' Reilly in drag!

Every Once In A While

A transgender person comes along with a really new outlook on our experience. Just when you have been transgendered out with the usual "blah,blah,blah". Along comes Misty Hobbs.
She is a new follower (which I'm happy about!). At the least you can click on her picture and be connected with a tweet site. She combines all the girl stuff with comments like "Misty is appearing as a boy today!"
What a concept! Her boyself is allowed out by her girlself.
I know she has a blog and I know I've seen it! I even know I commented on her ideas regarding straight guys and transgender girls. (One of my favorite topics these days!)
As I battle short term memory loss-I have forgotten how I accessed her blog. Too many brain cells damaged by too many parties has impaired me!!!!!
At any rate, I'm sure she will check in and give us some extra info. 
I will tell you she calls her sites "Bad Tranny" and it doesn't even mean what you think-gutter dwellers!
There, I've teased you enough! Check her out!

Transgender Golfer Sues LPGA?

Yes it is true. The LPGA inserted a rule that stated a member "must be female" at birth to compete. Which leaves transgender golfer "Lana Lawless" in a real sand trap.
Lana (shown at right)  won the woman's long drive championship in 2008. Now she is reportedly suing over the ruling.
I wonder if she is on Tiger Woods' speed dial?

You Never Even Called Me by My Name!

Growing into a transgendered adult has taken many crazy turns. One of the craziest transgender experience has to be the name game.
My first female name was Karen.  She was a girl in Jr. High. I sat next to her in many classes. She never really knew how much I wanted to be her!
As my female self became more focused, Roxie was the name for me! The name represented an over the top girl and it didn't hurt that my last name was Hart. So it followed that I took the first name of one of the stars from  "Chicago" the musical. Nearly three years ago, major life altering changes came my way. I had an unprecedented opportunity to really check life as a girl. In needed a new name.Finally I chose Cyrsti-a kinder, gentler more complete girl. No it's not a derivative of my male name. I felt the name had a middle of the road female bounce to it! Feminine, but not overdone.
Names, however are only one part of the transgendered experience.  Take pronouns for example. Never in my life did I think "he" and "she" would play such a huge influence in my life. There is no better feeling than being in public and have a salesperson or others call me "she" with no hesitation. There is no worse feeling than being called "he" .Surely all transgendered people are acutely aware of how important two little words are to our culture!
Consider the "female/woman" or "male/man".nouns. Not as powerful as their "pronoun" relatives-but just as important. I try never to use "female" when describing myself unless I'm given no choice. No matter how many hormones or how much surgery someone goes through, they will never be a biological female. Having said that, I know many transgendered girls who are more woman than most of the females I know. That is a very long subject in itself.
The most difficult words of all to a transgender person revolve around the "trans" word. I have read thesis long ramblings about this subject! If a person is labeled a "transvestite" or a "transsexual" or anything in between, the fur will fly if the term is used wrong. If I'm in a bitchy mood, the easiest way to get the girls stirred up is to say "we all are crossdressers'.
Think about it in the most literal way. If you started life as a male, no matter what you do to yourself-you are still crossdressing. An idea that is certain to cause a major disagreement!
The bottom line to all of this is your feelings as a person. Ask a couple of the high school students who have been nominated or elected to home coming or prom courts as their chosen gender. No labels, they are just being themselves.
Consider the most positive word of all-the future.Maybe today's youth won't get to the place where they want to slap a label on every back.
Certainly the "he" and "she" words will always be important. Society needs them to function.
Just think though. How impressive would it be to allow the "you" word to rise to the top?

I Feel Pretty?

Former "Mash" star "Jamie Farr" is appearing in our area on a speaking tour.
One of our local TV stations ran a promo of Farr as "Klinger". The station even skipped the well worn "Aerosmith" song "Dude Looks Like a Lady"  and used "I'm So Pretty" as background music.
A great choice in that "Farr's" character was never really transgendered.
Of course I thought-how many times do I feel "pretty"? Or do I feel sexy more than pretty?
I guess sexy would be the answer. Not so much "stop a guy in his tracks sexy" but a deep inside feeling.
I'm sure your mind has a "greatest" hits memory of your life as a girl. It's very possible your best memories come from times when you wore a pretty dress and heels and felt wonderful! Deep down inside-under the pretty frills was the lingerie and hose. That was sexy!
My greatest hits are nearly all sexy more than pretty. I love the feel of my curves and hair. Even the curse of summertime heat and humidity is forgotten with the feel of a short skirt, freshly shaven legs, panties and painted toe's!
I'm sure a real girl feels much of the work to look good-is just that-work. On the other hand you see women who project sexy. They just carry themselves different.  Sexy doesn't have to be clothes and makeup. It's a mental feel.
I've written about my belief in "aura" which is an internal projection of self. I do my best to project female of course. My goal is to project a secure image of a sexually secure and comfortable person.
My guess is it's another example of how I never really wanted to be the "nice" girl I brought home to Mom.
It was much more fun to bring the other girl home! I so much wanted to be like her!

It's A Wonderful World?

Unless you live in a cave, or with me in a box under a bridge-you probably haven't missed the transgender news in several areas.

Transgender youth are making headlines as homecoming queens or kings in their chosen gender. The latest story comes out of Texas where transgender student "Andy Moreno" (shown above) was nominated for homecoming queen by friends.

When the school principal said no-Moreno protested. Rightfully so!
Transgender political candidates are stepping onto the political stage. One of the races in Oklahoma, pitts transgender  candidate "Brittany Novotny" against an ultra conservative opponent.
Being a resident of the Midwest, all of this has not been lost on me. This activity is NOT taking place in NYC or San Fransisco. All of this news represents a true "Gender Quake" in middle America-in society.
As a public transgender person the "Quake" helps me tremendously. Finally transgender folk have better public roles models other than "Jerry Springer" and slasher movies. People have an easier time seeing me as a real person.
Of course, in the midst of all of this you have in fighting in our own transgender group. A genetic female friend of my mine sent me to Calpernia Adams (shown below) website and was confused by the lengthy negative discussion of our own.
http://www.calpernia.com/ 

Basically the argument boils down to a cat fight between girls who have lived more life as girls to those who haven't and should any of us "cuddle up" to the male gay movement. Unfortunately, I was involved in nearly the same discussion in an on-line transgender site. It was prolonged and ugly as me without.makeup.
It seems the more life improves for us in the public-the worse it gets with our own? Shame on us!
Some of this proves again "You can put the girl in a man-but you can't take the man out of the girl." I'm sure Andy Moreno could speak to the fact that being a girl is so much more than looking like one.  Sure you can spend thousands to change your body to beautiful, but you can't spend any money to improve your soul!
Or all we bringing out the worst in women as former men?