My Own Worst Enemy

Image Courtesy Hisu Lee
on UnSplash

I don't know exactly why but during my gender transition from a dark and lonely closet, I was my own worst enemy. What I mean is everytime I made a considerable stride towards my goal of learning if I could really live a feminine life, somehow I would make a mistake in my presentation (or something) which would want to make me head back towards my closet. I even purged most all of my women's clothes, wigs and makeup several times. A "purge" is a term used by cross dressers and/or transvestites when they throw out or giveaway all their precious belongings and reassure themselves they would never journey to the woman side of life again.

In my case, I think I was mostly on the positive side when it came to purges. Or, as I remember, I received more gifts from transvestite friends than I threw away. In particular, one time I was gifted with a very nice set of silicone breast forms which I desperately needed. Especially if you remember the time my ill fated attempt at creating breasts from water balloons failed spectacularly in a venue I was a regular in. I just couldn't convince anyone I was pregnant and my water broke when it happened. 

Sadly, the water balloon instance was not the only time I attempted something I knew deep down was not the smartest thing to do.  Another example was when I had this short platinum blond wig which the mirror told me I looked great in but then discovered too late the wig was not long enough to cover my dark hair which showed in the back. Stunts like that, including poor fashion choices, led me to many set backs as time and time again I was my own worst enemy. Perhaps it was my own male self helping to set me up for failure. He in no way wanted me to succeed as a woman. For the longest time I was frustrated with the smallest of examples of how I was struggling to present convincingly as a woman. It seemed that once I conquered the artform of makeup, hair and clothes, I would destroy my feminine image with still walking like a guy or worse yet, talking like one.

Again and again I was my own worse enemy in my MtF gender transition. Even though I never really enjoyed the struggle to live a male life I went through, the privileges I had gained through hard work were difficult to just let go. The whole give and take gender process between the two main binary genders was very stressful to endure and affected my entire mental health at the time. I was attempting to live approximately three days as a woman and three plus as a man as well as still maintain my well paying male job. As I said, it was an exhausting process trying to remember which gender I was attempting to live in on which day and my lifestyle led me to a very serious suicide attempt. Finally I needed to accept my male self was just throwing any sort of obstacle he could just to hang on as long as he could. On the other hand, everytime I was successful in living my dream life as a transgender woman it felt so natural and I did not want to go back to part time living as a man.

Once I did make the final determination to leave what was left of my old male self behind, it felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. My mental health improved along with my life and I could live again. 

A Rare Night Out

Dining Out from the Jessie Hart
Collection.

Last night I talked my wife Liz into going to one  of our favorite Mexican restaurants.  She works hard and is very much a homebody so getting her to go out is rare. On the other hand, I consider getting in motion to go out and eat is one of my rare pleasures. 

The excuse I used last night was since we were already going to be out to vote anyway, I would treat her to dinner so she wouldn't have to cook. Since we always consider voting to be so important, I didn't have much convincing to do to get her to go out and eat. 

First of all, voting went quickly and I always consider the voting process an honor because of two reasons. The first is obvious because these days, with the spread of anti-transgender legislation, it is important to make sure we all get out the vote to combat it.  All means all of us. Even if you are still deep in your closet, you never know when the door will open and you will need the rights you voted for to live a quality life in the world. The second reason I like to vote is, it reminds me of the first real time I had to use my brand new Ohio Driver's License to vote and my license had the magical female (F) on it. I'm sure as long as I live, I will never forget the experience of voting the first time with my new I.D. 

As I said, voting went quickly and I was treated with respect so I felt good about continuing the evening in another venue we know so well.

These days, ordering from a restaurant menu is a little dicey because Liz and I are on a strict sugar and flower free diet. Using s little imagination we were able to order fajita's without the beans, rice or tortilla's and just had salads instead. Since I have tried to follow the diet the best I could, I enjoyed a mini celebration with a beer. Regardless of all of that, no one paid us any extra attention, which back in the day would have been a problem. Even though I very much am able to move through society without many problems these days, I still remember the days which I couldn't. 

Since Liz and I were able to enjoy a rare night out, I am hoping I can convince her to get out more often. She even orders most of our groceries and household items to be delivered. I am hoping the weight she is losing will fuel a new found confidence in her which will allow her to go out more often. Fortunately, she knows my feeling on the subject. I need to public acceptance to help my overall mental health about being a secure transgender woman. 

I am a big believer in success breeds success and soon I will be enjoying more nights out.    

I Never Looked Back

Image courtesy Rainier Ridao'
on UnSplash 

Once I freed myself from the remaining shackles of my male life, I was fortunate in that I never had the opportunity to look back. Rarely did I think I was doing anything wrong and my inner strong feminine self was ecstatic with the whole process she waited so long for. Perhaps the unique situation I was living in the at the time helped. 

First of all, I was just emerging from one of the darkest moments I had ever known in my life. I had just lost my business not so long after I lost my wife and several close friends mostly due to cancer. At the same time I was really becoming involved with the internet where I could check out the possibility of learning of others in similar situations. Especially in the relatively new world of transgender women. I spent hours when I was off work seeking new information on my computer. The more I saw, the more I wondered if I could pursue similar paths towards achieving my dream of living full time as a transgender woman. The whole process provided me with hope for the future.

It was during this period of my life too when I had very few obstacles in my way. Since my wife had passed away, there was no one close to me to stop me from doing serious experimentation with living life as a woman. I set about to refine my appearance and learn as much as I could about the feminine arts of public life. Primary examples included vocal communication and overall attempts to blend in with the at large public. The whole process was equally terrifying and exciting as well as it took my mind off of my overall problems. Now the process seems like a blur as my inner feminine self quickly took over my life. I decided then to undergo hormone replacement therapy which seemed like the best way to continue my MtF gender transition and never look back. 

I write often about how the hormones affected me and how quick the process was. Possibly because of the fact I was older (in my early sixties) and my testosterone was in decline anyhow. At any rate, even under mostly minimum dosages, I was surprised how fast the changes to my body began to appear. Before I knew it, I was reaching a point where I was a very androgynous human being. Again, I was excited and wanted permission from my doctors to do more. 

I did do more and more and never looked back. Primarily because there was no good reason to do so. Because always living a male life was such a struggle for me and living a new feminine life just felt so natural. My inner self was telling me in no uncertain terms I told you so and I loved it. The feelings continued into my everyday life as I found I could be successful in a woman's world. Finally, never looking back became part of my life as I set out to be the best new person I could be.