Building from the Inside Out

 

Image from Brooke Cagle
on UnSplash

Years ago I began to understand I was building a new human being from the inside out.

I began to realize it when a person very close to me told me how fortunate I was to be able to start over in the world as a transgender woman. At first I was scared, could I really re-create myself as a woman and at the same time achieve my ultimate feminine dream. Following years of living and training, I found I could indeed live a life as a trans woman.

Before I did, I needed to decide what old male baggage I would have to discard or adjust to the fact I would have to bring it with me. It was difficult since I decided to seriously began my gender transition at the age of sixty, I had years to consider what to do with my baggage. Initially, I was part of the old transsexual school which believed you had to totally uproot your life and move when you transitioned and start all over. The problem I had was, there was some baggage from my old life I wanted to bring with me. For example, I wanted to try to preserve contact with my family and wondered if my wife (who I loved completely) would ever accept me. Not to mention other key points of my life including my passion for watching sports. 

Fairly quickly, as I transitioned, I was able to indirectly control all I was building from the inside out. By this time, I had worked out most of the appearance or fashion challenges I faced, allowing me to work on expressing my internal self. First of all, I learned my only child accepted me totally and my only sibling (a brother) did not. Sadly, we have not communicated in over a decade now. I know I have survived and I have assumed he has also and we moved on. Since I was now a different person now and he is entrenched in his ways, I am sure it has all been for the best although it hurt me how he handled it by rejecting my invitation to the family's annual Thanksgiving feast.

In many ways, having the opportunity to rebuild myself was terrifying yet exciting. Along the way, I found I needed to transition again. Mainly when I finally decided to make the mental move from cross dresser to transgender woman. I say mental move because I wasn't doing anything outwardly any different as I was doing my best to put my best appearance foot forward as a woman. I knew if I was successful, there would be no turning back on my gender path. It was a huge continuing beginning in the process of leaving my male world behind.

By this time, I was well on my way of deciding what baggage I could bring with me and what I could leave behind. I was preparing to give what was left of my male clothes to a charity and I had fairly quickly established myself as a regular in a couple of the big sports bars I had frequented as a guy. By doing so, I could meet my small group of new women friends I had met and watch the games we all enjoyed. My new life was coming together from the inside out and I was loving it. 

Even still, it sometimes took all the concentration I had to remember I was living a new life and I needed to rely on my inner female to carry it out. By doing so, I was able to say what I was thinking and not screw it up by injecting any of my old toxic male self. The only thing I could rely on was my new friends and their reaction to me since they had no clue of the old me. It was very liberating to say the least. 

Overall, I have to say, building the interior person was more intense when compared to the exterior woman the world saw. Especially when I needed to communicate more and more with the public as my new self. When I did build from the inside out, I learned to live my truth and empower my life as a transgender woman.

  

Welcome to Reality

Out with my girls. Liz on left, Andrea on
right.

I worked very hard to get to the point where I could live as a transgender woman. 

Once I began to arrive, I understood the real work was still ahead. When I finally began to establish myself as a new person, I needed to start all over again. It primarily affected me when I was in a conversation with other women, since men barely talked to me at all. Main examples came when I was invited to several girl's nights out. I learned to interject my family experiences in the older group of women. Instead of saying I was specifically a mother or a father in my life, I said I was a parent to a daughter I was very proud of. By doing so I was able to become an active participant in the give and take women use to communicate when there are no men around. 

It was all a great learning experience for me as I was building my confidence to stay out in public and slip behind the feminine gender curtain. For the most part, I found acceptance except from a few women in the older group who did not accept me. All the younger women did accept me for who I was and I enjoyed going out with them immensely. Since they were all younger and more attractive than I was, they attracted all of the attention, leaving me basically to fend for myself which was fine. It was only the reality of being in the feminine world setting in. 

I also had to deal with a big dose of impostor syndrome when I went behind the gender curtain. I needed to keep telling myself I belonged with a group of women while I was doing it. Following many battles with myself, I finally came to the conclusion even though my path to womanhood was different than most of the world, I still followed a difficult path to arrive where I wanted to. Plus, I needed to remember, being born female did not necessarily entitle a person to being a woman. It was a social title not a biological one. When I arrived at that point, the reality of my situation was easier to understand.

The more I worked on the new me, the better life became. I felt natural when I slipped behind the gender curtain and for the first time in my life, I could say I was happy. Mainly because all of the gender tension I felt attempting to fill an unwanted male role was over. Understanding all the differences between the two main binary genders was never easy but for the first time in my life, I attacked a problem head on and did not try to run behind makeup and a dress to escape. I was the one in makeup and a dress and I had to make it work.

I was fortunate in the fact my inner feminine soul had been watching and learning all along. She was just counting the days until she could take control and quit fighting my male self for domination. Once she was free, activities such as girl's nights out were just icing on the cake. 

Once I discovered my feminine reality and was able to live my truth as a transgender woman, life was so much easier.

Quickly, on another topic, I have decided to go to another LGBTQ Veterans support group meeting coming up soon. I have been to two now and they have been tolerable. The only real problem I have had is explaining what I did in the Army because I was in the American Forces Radio and Television Service. A very small segment of the Army. So, you needed to be deployed overseas to be exposed to AFRTS at all anyhow. During the last group meeting, I think I at least was able to explain what I did in the service and I was in way before "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" military LGBT policy was in effect. It is all so difficult to explain but the moderator seems to want me there, so I am on the week to week participation plan. Past that, we shall see how it goes.    

  

Gender Shape Shifter

 

Witches Ball Halloween
Image,

For years I obsessed with  the idea I basically was  just a shape shifter between my male and female selves. 

All of this coincided with the time I spent as a very serious cross dresser. Basically, all if my idle thoughts were grounded in my feminine appearance. Time I wished I could get back. As my feminized presentation became better, the more I felt more than just a shape shifter. Especially when I began to explore the world as a transgender woman.

My gender ideas were changing primarily because I quit thinking I was fooling the world and began to know I was living as my authentic self. So if the other person was a transphobe and did not like me, it was their problem, not mine. My mind had made a difficult yet important shift when I began to believe in myself. 

At the same time, ironically, my shape shifting became easier. I became more comfortable in the world and at the same time more confident. I found confidence to be my main feminine accessory. Much more so than my favorite jewelry, heels or wigs. Looking another in the eye was much more important when I used the women's room and other places I needed to communicate. Without confidence, I might as well just stayed home and watched television with my miserable male self. I was not shape shifting any longer, I was me.

When I did, I found I was so much happier and I wanted to push the feminine envelope I was living farther and farther. It was all good, until all of my actions put me on a collision course with my second wife who never approved of any ideas of me transitioning any more into a transgender world. I had put myself firmly between the rock and the hard place when it came to my gender issues. To attempt to survive, I did the best I could to live out my dual life I was living. I would over achieve in my work world as a man, then at the same time try to explore the world as a woman.

The more in-depth I became living a dual life as an accomplished shape shifter, the more pressure I felt to do something about it. In the meantime, I was doing things such as shopping for my wife's Christmas gifts as a woman. When I was successful, I was encouraged to do more and more as I suddenly began to feel secure in the world. 

Finally, I came to the point when I cross dressed as a man, I felt foreign as if I was shape shifting again and wanted no part of it. Happily, by that time I was able to try gender affirming hormones which femininized me even further. I enjoyed the effects so much, it was an easy decision for me to never go back to my male world. Being free of gender shape shifting was quite the enlightening experience.