Moving Parts

 

Image from the Paris 
Photographer on
Unsplash.

During my life watching how cis women move has been one of my favorite activities.

One thing is for sure, I knew from the interactions I had with other male type persons I dealt with, I was not alone. I will not go into the comments I heard from the guys. But once I began to leave the mirror world I was in as a cross dressing transvestite, I knew putting the image into motion would not be easy. I had no real idea of how women managed to do so many things with their body as they moved. They seemed to have so many more moving parts than men.

When I first started my path to living fulltime as a transgender woman, I found myself overcompensating. I was concentrating too much trying to move like a woman. I was overdoing it. It was about this time I tried to practice at times even when I was cross dressed as a man. Later in the evenings I went to big box stores which were mostly deserted to practice my walk. I probably attracted the attention of several security guards watching me on their hidden cameras but that was it. Once I started to relax, I was able to attempt moving as a woman to higher standards.

Back in those days, I usually wore  high heels when I went out. So negotiating the world in them was a challenge in itself. I think I did fairly well, except for a few highly publicized instances which I have written about here. Sidewalks with cracks became a challenge as well as large ventilation grates which I learned the hard way to avoid. I think just being in heels added a certain amount of feminine power to my presentation as well as helping the shape of my legs. Sadly, as I aged my ankles did also. All those years of walking concrete floors in restaurants as well as a few old football injuries made wearing heels impossible for me and I needed to learn to put together my feminine moving parts all over again.

These days, I think much of the cis woman world has caught up to me as I rarely see any women wear heels where I live. I estimate at the business professional Alzheimer's breakfast  meeting I went to, only two or three women were wearing heels. All of that is  here or there and since I have known for years transgender women have to try harder to prove themselves, I wonder what the world would be like for me again if I was able to wear heels. Would wearing them call unwanted attention to me? 

On certain days too, my mobility issues do their best to get the best of me. So moving at all takes precedence over stressing over feminine movements. As fall comes closer with it's cooler temperatures I plan on beginning my daily walks again which should help my overall health. In my own small way I will be able to work on my moving parts again. Before I need to increase my stamina to walk in to the hospital for my upcoming mammogram which I still have to schedule.

As with anything else in life, cis women lead a more challenging layered lifestyle than men as they are the high maintenance gender. It makes sense feminine moving parts are no different as the total gender package comes together. Yet another challenge for the transgender woman. . 

Pushing Trans Boundaries

 

Image from the Jessie Hart
Collection.. Back drop, the Ohio
River

Along the way, as the years went by I began to really push many of the transgender boundaries I faced.

A primary example was when I thought I had conquered one of my goals, such as my feminine presentation, I set a new goal. Often I went to different places and/or venues to see if I presented well enough to be accepted as a transgender woman. After malls and clothing stores became too easy for me, I expanded to stopping at restaurants to eat. Which in turn forced me into more one on one communications with complete strangers. I pushed the boundaries past just routine chit-chat eventually into full fledged conversations. I learned the hard way not to worry so much about how my voice was sounding and begin to consider more and more what I was saying. 

For a while it seemed, the challenges I was facing in those years were becoming overwhelming as I pushed my gender boundaries even further. Another major jump occurred when I decided to stop going to the so-called safe spaces which were the gay venues I was going to. I finally decided if I was going to feel like an outcast, I might as well do it in a venue I felt more comfortable in. I began to go to upscale sports bars and restaurants with many televisions and cold draft beer which I enjoyed. Since I stood out from the crowd for being transgender, I minded my own business and tipped well ,so in most places I became a regular fairly easily. On occasion, I still pushed too hard and ended up getting kicked out of a couple places I shouldn't have been in to start with. Lessons were learned.

Slowly but surely the process finally did become a blur. I made new friends and was beginning to thrive in my dream life of being a transgender woman. The biggest remaining problem I had at the time was I was still married. At that point my second wife and I had been together for nearly twenty five years. From the beginning she knew I was a transvestite or cross dresser and didn't really have any problems with it. However, when any discussion at all came up about the possibility of going further and beginning hormone replacement therapy, she drew the line.  Any time I tried to push the boundary farther, the more she resisted.  In many ways it was similar to the rock meeting the irresistible force and it was ugly. More precisely though, I had started the catfight of all catfights between my wife and my inner feminine soul who had finally been able to sample life in the world. Once she had seen the daylight, there was no way my feminine self wanted to give it up. From there, destiny took over.

When my second wife passed away, it didn't take long for my inner woman to take over. She pushed hard and became the dominant force in my life. Quickly it became evident she had known the path to take my entire life. She began to push my transgender boundaries until my life became meaningful again. My male self faded away. 

Transgender Safe Spaces

Image from Nicole Herrero
 on Unsplash

Yesterday was the annual picnic I have written about in the past. It was hosted by the transgender-transvestite-cross dresser group I am a member of here in Cincinnati.

Again this year, we were blessed with a wonderful summer afternoon. Attendance was good also, with a nice mixture of younger transgender women, mixed in a few trans men as well as older attendees such as myself. The group provided hamburgers and hot dogs and the rest of the food came from a "pot-luck" where everybody brings something. So there was plenty to eat including a special shout out to Wendy for her "world famous" cheesecake. Even my wife Liz and I "forgot" our diet to have a piece and it lived up to it's billing.

What also lived up to it's billing was the safe space atmosphere of the picnic. The group reserved a very nice shelter house and short speeches were given by a new group of members who traveled the distance to the state capital of Columbus, Ohio. To fight the bigoted legislators attempting to pass anti-transgender legislation. It was refreshing to see so many younger faces fighting for our rights. 

My main point is, the picnic provided a safe space for the transgender community locally to express itself. Everyone could come, relax and enjoy themselves. Exactly what the world "should" be like for us. In addition, the picnic showed us what could be if we are just left to live without any interference. 

Along the way in life, often transgender women and trans men are able to find and enjoy other space spaces. In my past, for example, after I got over my initial panic of going, the several girl's nights out I went to ended up being safe spaces for me. I was able to relax and live and learn from the experiences. I am fortunate too in that I normally have my wife Liz with me when I am out in the world. In essence she provides an interference when people attempt to zero in on me. Often I think the worst than can happen is when we hold hands in public. I think some people may have a problem with two women holding hands. However, not having another hand to hold was the biggest thing I missed when my second wife of twenty five years passed away. So I am enjoying it while I can.

Also, events such as the picnic provide various levels of acceptance for younger members who need to see older trans people who have lived their authentic lives for years. In doing so, we provide a distinct pathway to the future. In many senses we become sort of a legacy member. While the younger members are picketing the state house, other's of us such as I are becoming part of diversity committee's. Anything is possible often if we slowly try to show the world who we really are. 

At my age, for many reason's I need to take a slower path and in the meantime wait for my second piece of Wendy's cheesecake.