A Problem or Opportunity

Image from Elisa Ventur on 
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Over the years I spent too much time wondering the how's or whys of how I needed to carry my considerable gender dysphoria with me. 

It seemed the cruel truth was the more I thought I solved my problems, the more I discovered there were so many more to worry about. Examples are many. Once I became polished enough in my feminine presentation, the more I explored other frontiers which led me to other problems. You may get the idea I was in a vicious circle I struggled to get out of/. As I was able to get my high heeled foot through the door as a transgender woman, then I needed to figure out a way to communicate with the world. What about my voice? More importantly what was I saying when I tried to say it. I found (often the hard way) cis women communicate on many layers include non verbal eye cues. I was saved several dangerous or messy situations with men simply because a staff member gave me a certain look or glance to stay away from him.

At times at seemed I was overwhelmed by the amount of gender problems I was creating for myself. The whole experience was at once very terrifying and at the same time so exciting. In other words, I was turning my problems into opportunities. I was finally following my ultimate dream, to see if I could indeed live a life as a fulltime transgender woman. The opportunities took over and the problems began to fade away.

All of it required a concerted effort to pull my entire new feminine image together. A static image in a mirror or a picture was one thing but putting it all in motion was another. I'm sure we all remember the first times we attempted to walk in heels. It was difficult for me to not look like a linebacker in heels when I first began to venture out in public as a novice cross dresser or transvestite. Of course I made my share of mistakes such as wedging my heels in sidewalk cracks all the way to totally falling. Luckily all which was injured was my pride. 

Eventually I arrived at the point where I had much more opportunity than problems. I was beginning to experience much more opportunity as I began to put a totally new transgender person together. I was out of the mirror and letting the world in. For better or for worse. In the meantime, destiny took over and I was adopted by several special cis-women friends. They helped me through several of my final biggest problems. I was able to turn the problems into opportunities by sheer observation. I was used to watching women as a lifetime obsession so the whole process was normal for me. The main difference was, for a change, they included me as an equal in their world. 

Now I feel my main opportunities come from writing about my transgender experiences. All the way to increasing my volunteer time with organizations such as the Alzheimer's Association. Plus, I have a goal also to eventually become more involved again in the transgender-transvestite/cross dresser group I have been a member of for years. 

Perhaps, the term opportunity can be changed to fulfillment. 

Come On In!

Image from A Zuhri

 I mentioned this comment briefly in yesterday's post. Recently, in my newest Veteran's Administration LGBTQA+ group session. The moderator brought up a new concept, instead of coming out, in reality we transgender folk are inviting others in.

This is a fairly radical idea when you take into consideration all the anti-transgender legislation which has been unleashed upon us by a certain political party not called the Democrats. Even still. the entire idea has a positive ring to it. Imagine having the comfort level (and/or confidence) to invite friends and family in to share your deepest darkest secret. The inner secret you have carried around your entire life. I know when I came out to others for the first time, I was in some sort of a gender free fall. In essence I had been stripped of all my old male reactions to any adversity. I needed to learned quickly the different gender path I would need to take to survive.

Truth be known, cis-women have known the alternate path for years. Often, in their own way, the women said to others come on in and then they needed to sort out the fall out from there. It doesn't really matter because in everyone's life, we have to sadly face it's ups and downs. Relationships of course are included. My coming out example was very unpleasant in it's own way. It happened way back when I talked my first fiancé into dressing me head to toe as a woman. Then proceeded to still do it weeks and months later. She eventually held it against me when Uncle Sam and the military draft came a knocking when I graduated from college. She fully expected me to try to escape serving by telling the world I was gay. Which was wrong. I knew I was learning how much I didn't want to be a man but I wasn't sure I wanted to change my sexuality.

The entire series of events turned out to be an extremely beneficial  part of my life. My fiancé and I broke up and I moved on to serving three years in the Army. Ironically, the first people who I ever invited into my gender world occurred after a Halloween party I went to when I was serving in Germany. The woman who eventually ended up being my first wife and mother of my daughter essentially met me there at the party. So she was one of the few I let in. Ultimately, one of the biggest success stories of my life.

Even though I thought I was fighting the best I could letting anybody in, in truth I was pressuring myself to come out. All the Halloween parties I went too in my feminine "costume" just served notice how badly I wanted to let others in. During the parties, I  secretly rejoiced when anyone else told me how convincing I was. Later on, I pushed the gender envelope even farther by leaving the house during the day fully cross dressed as a woman. Putting everything I knew in life into jeopardy. Deep down I wanted to be caught.

Finally the whole intricate process came tumbling down. Call it what you want coming out, or letting in. It had to happen before the gender ripping and tearing nearly killed me. 

  

Serendipity

 First of all, maybe a little definition to the serendipity word would help this post. 

From an on line dictionary I read from, it defined the word as "The occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way. " Today I was able to put my gender dysphoria aside and experience gender serendipity. The chance occasion came when I went with my wife Liz to her Doctor's appointment. For the occasion I chose one of my newer summer lightweight tank tops. It is tie died with a big peace sign and the slogan , Every little thing gonna be alright. For once we took a picture. Completing the casual outfit was a pair of jeans and my new tennis shoes. Nothing too fancy for the Doc's and the heat. 

The fun part came when when went into the office and a man held the door open for us. He was wearing a nice The Ohio State University polo shirt so Liz said "Go Buckeyes!" He responded with "O.H" and I said "I.O." From there on we were off to a good morning.

The best part to me was being totally ignored by all the waiting people in the office. It didn't matter, I was essentially invisible. Not transgender for a change. Just me and it felt good. Kids and all ignored me. It felt so good to put my gender dysphoria behind me and just live my life. 

While I am on the subject of current events, in yesterday's Veterans Administration  LGBTQA+ group meeting, I learned a relevant idea which in the future I will be writing about more. In essence, the subject came up of how and who we came out to first. The moderator pointed out maybe we should think of the process different. To the point of not coming out, it's who we are letting in. Or more serendipity with one's self.

Also coming up this weekend, is the transgender-transvestite or cross dresser group I am part of' annual summer picnic. Fortunately, the heat dome which is torturing most of the country is going to back off for the day and we will have high's in the mid 80's. At the least, if the affair is as well attended as it was last year, we will be able to see many old acquaintances we haven't seen in a while. 

I need to enjoy this brief respite from my mirror induced gender dysphoria. One never knows when it will flair up again. It shouldn't for the picnic since most of the attendees have known me for awhile and we can enjoy the company.   

I don't ever say it enough but thanks to all of you who read my blog posts regularly. You are the ones who make the process so worthwhile!