The Best Part of Me

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 For the longest time I resisted the idea there were two of me. A male and a female side. 

The further I went in completing a MtF gender transition, the more obvious it became I did indeed have two sides to my being. I had a male side I needed to desperately protect to even exist in the world as I knew it and a feminine side. I worked hard to cover any signs I was feminine at all and for the most part all my efforts were successful. Through my love of attempting to play sports and work on fast cars, I was able to hide.

One way or another hiding became impossible as I gained confidence in trying to head out of my dark lonely gender closet and explore the world. The whole process was very scary yet exciting and my feminine self turned out to be exceedingly patient and giving with the process. She stood by as I grew through my teenaged cross dressing years and managed to arrive at a place where I could at least blend in with the public the best I could. 

Then, she stood by me in my communication years when I took on the world one on one as a transgender woman. Looking back she most likely knew the truth. If she bided her time, she would win eventually and being able to fully take over my life. Taking all of that into consideration I found as she was taking over, she had always been the best part of me. My parents had always tried to raise me with a strong moral compass and when I was able to come out and live an authentic feminine life, all my truth could be out for the public to see. Naturally when I did finally come out, I felt so much better about my life.

The deeper I began to live as a transgender woman, the more I found the less I needed to do. What I mean is, my feminine side had been waiting so long for a chance to fully live, she was happy to take over and show me the way. She happily took to the guidance and knowledge she learned as she went all the way from "girl's nights outs" to lesbian mixers with friends. It was quite the process. Through it all she found she could be the best person possible since she had learned from both sides of the main gender binary spectrum. It wasn't as if the male person was bad, the female person could be better. Plus, as I always point out, my feminine side very much benefitted from positive cis-woman friends who showed her the way.

Maybe it is an unfair comparison because my feminine side had such a longer time to grow and observe what my male side was doing wrong. But on the other hand, she had to go through the frustration of waiting to come out. By doing so, she had to face a dual edged sword. She benefitted from the male mistakes I made but then had a chance to be the best part of me when the wait was finally over and she could live our truth as a transgender woman.

Trust the Process

 

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Over a very long life of considering and attempting a MtF gender transition, I went through many highs and lows. 

On occasion more lows than highs as I went through the process of trying to balance both of my primary binary genders. In other words, I did plenty of inadvisable things which came back to haunt me. I was fortunate in that I didn't experience bodily harm on a couple of occasions when I was in  places I should not have been as a novice transvestite or cross dresser. Where? On a dark, late night urban city street to name a specific one. I did get stopped one night and was lucky I got out of it by just giving five dollars to a couple of panhandlers who clearly wanted more. Through all of my mistakes I just had to trust the process.

Seemingly the process was I had to pay my dues before I was rewarded with any positive feedback as a transgender woman. All the times when my second wife essentially made fun of the way I looked, just made me try harder to work on the many facets which went into a more convincing image as a feminine person. I knew I had made strides when she had to ask me to help her with her makeup on special occasions. I had trusted the process and kept on working hard and it worked for me on those occasions. Even though she had given into my makeup expertise, my wife still didn't give me an overall approval rating in how I presented. 

The farther I made it along in my transgender journey, the more trust I needed to put into what I was attempting to accomplish. All in all, I was trying to build my way into living a dream and I had so much to lose if I had failed. I say often, because one of the reasons I kept going was I felt so natural as my feminine self. When I did feel natural, it was easier for me to blend in with the public and overall present better to the world. I was rewarded when I was able to spread out from the gay venues I was going to and made my way into becoming a regular at several straight, mainstream sports bars I always enjoyed as a man. In them I was able to enjoy my favorite teams along with a big cold draft beer without any problems. When I was recognized as a regular. Probably the hardest prize to attain was my restroom privilege. As you beer drinkers know,  beer doesn't last long with you and being able to use the women's room (again without complaint) was huge.

Trusting the process also gave me added confidence in myself. Even though on occasion I was still petrified, I still was able to interact with the world and learn to enjoy myself. I finally made it to the point of feeling there was nothing wrong with me and if someone else had a problem, it was theirs to deal with. 

As I look back on trusting the process, for me, being allowed to begin hormone replacement therapy medications involved the most trust for me. I needed to trust the medical community the meds would not hurt me and move on from there. I was fortunate in that the process worked for me and I loved the results. By the time I tried HRT I was used to taking chances with my gender transition and hoped I could go even farther. To living my life fulltime as a transgender woman. 

The Second Half

 

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on UnSplash

Relax, this is not another sports post...As I approached the age of sixty, my gender feeling of something not being right grew ever stronger. 

I knew then, if I didn't immediately make a move to correct my issues, I never would. Even though I was in a fairly comfortable position to keep living as a man, there was still time to get out while I still could. It would mean the possibility of sacrificing the remaining family, friends and job security. I had to do it and I still needed to move forward into a life as a transgender woman.

Once I decided to begin hormone replacement therapy and my external appearance began to change fairly quickly to an androgynous looking person there could be no turning back. The whole process took me by surprise when it happened so fast. I adjusted to the progress and moved on. I found living fulltime was more of a challenge than I thought it would be. When I threw out all my male clothes and was responsible for dressing feminine every day, the whole process changed dramatically. I needed to be able to plan long term for my appearance and not just rely on short term bursts of wardrobe creativity to get me by. Like it or not, looking at myself in the mirror every morning when I got up became a gender dysphoric process. Some days I thought I looked feminine and others I looked terrible. The same old guy.

It turned out too I had several other main issues. One of which was I going to consider any major or minor surgeries. I decided no to all because I felt I could barely present well enough to get by and I didn't need any painful major gender surgery to allow me to feel any better as a transgender woman. Plus, at my age any major surgeries such as gender realignment surgery could be a health risk to recover from. My motto became "don't pay anyone to hurt me." So I stuck with my HRT and hoped for the best and for me it worked and I didn't have the money anyhow.

The second major issue I needed to face rather quickly was how was I going to explore my sexuality once I transitioned into a transgender woman. During my life as a man, being with another man never appealed to me so would it change now? Even though I dated and kissed several men following my gender transition, I found nothing had really changed.  Being with a man most certainly validated myself as a woman in public but it didn't lead to much else. I did interact with a couple men I thought I could be friends with too but it turned out my sexuality in the future would firmly remain with women.

I became entrenched with a very kind and giving small group of cis women who I was able to learn so much from about being a woman in todays' society. When I did, my sexuality never did have to change from what I had felt my entire life. 

Other issues were more mundane yet still very important. I wasn't independently wealthy so I needed to figure out how I was going to live and support myself. I was fortunate when I grew close to early Social Security retirement age. I took it and supplemented my income by selling vintage collectables my second wife and I had collected. I remember vividly my last day at a job I disliked as I walked across the parking lot into a new world. A world where I was free enough to re-create myself as a brand new person. 

I was pleasantly surprised when I learned that new person had been there all along just waiting for her chance to emerge. She was good people which made interacting with the outside world much easier. I found very few people are ever given a second chance at life so I needed to make the most of it. 

I did and found myself moving and marrying my current wife Liz following her finding me on line over eleven years ago now. I would have never dreamed the second half of my life would take me this far.