Father's Day

 

Image from Derek Thompson on
Unsplash

This year Father's Day marks a milestone for me. As some of you regulars may remember, Mother's Day this year marked the first time ever I received a Mother's Day gift and card from my only child, a daughter who obviously is very supportive. I need to point out receiving anything remotely tying me into being a mother was totally a surprise.  Or, I didn't ask for it. But, I did shed a tear when it happened. 

Now, on to my Dad. In essence he was long on being a provider and short on providing any sort of emotion. I can't remember him ever saying he loved me although I know he did. 

My Dad was a product of the great Depression and World War II. He was in many ways the image of a self made man and I was in awe of his accomplishments. My Dad rose from very humble beginnings to building his own house and rising to the position of a bank vice president. Since I was there when he mercifully regained his dignity and passed on after suffering from Dementia, I wish I was able to tell him how much I loved him and was proud of the life he had lived. Being a product of his world, I wasn't able to.

Now I regret I never tried to come out to my Dad. My excuse is I didn't know myself what I was back in those days other than a cross dresser or transvestite. Bottom line was I never wanted to face his rejection.

It has taken me many years to do it but now I have reached a point of understanding where my parents were coming from when they raised me. Knowledge of what being transgender was all about was lacking to all of us.

To honor my Mom, I adopted her first name as my legal middle name and finally have come to the point of being able to say I love you Dad and thanks for raising me the best you could and yes it was you I feared disappointing the most when I failed and did something wrong. Coming out as transgender just wasn't wrong.  

 

The Power of Estrogen

Image from Alexander Grey
on UnSplash

On occasion when I apply my dosage of Estradiol  patches, I pause to consider the effects on my body. Since I have been on hormone replacement therapy for years now, I take many of the changes for granted. Which I know I never should. I never know when my health may deteriorate and I may have to discontinue HRT. 

To begin with, I was one of the fortunate transgender individuals who at my age (early 60's) had passed the health screenings so I could begin wholesale changes to my body. Little did I know my body would just be the beginning to the changes I would experience.  Before you begin to think this is going to be another post about the usual effects of HRT, it is not. The usual effects happened relatively quickly for me, my hair and breasts grew, my skin softened and my selfish desire to be able to present well as a transgender woman was achieved  Reasons for the quick changes could have been I already had a higher level of natural estrogen in my body (which I never had checked) or most likely was my age which would have signaled a decrease in my testosterone anyhow.

What I didn't realize my brief gender euphoria I achieved would be short lived. Quickly I experienced new emotional highs and lows while at the same time I was going through the second major gender puberty in my life. I will never forget the first time I went through hormone induced hot flashes and I thought I was going to internally combust. Emotional changes included being able to cry for the first time in my life, for any number of reasons. An example was the sunset I was watching on my porch when an approaching small thunderstorm approached. For no apparent reason I began to softly cry. I think I cried because I was losing what remained of my old male self. Before I was unable to cry for even my closest family members when they passed away.

In no time at all, the emotions of beginning my new hormonal journey far outpaced the outward physical changes which occurred.  One of the changes which occurred was when my bodies' thermostat was effectively destroyed. Before hormones, similar to any other macho guy, I didn't really put much belief into when a woman told me she was cold. When I became cold all the time, I became that woman. My cis woman friends back then just told me welcome to their world. Little did they know. their world was the place I so badly wanted to experience. All the way to changing my hormonal gender levels through medication. 

I know also, many transgender women for health reasons can not undertake HRT and have never missed it. Perhaps they always had a higher natural estrogen level to begin with or are living proof gender comes from between the ears, not between the legs. 

In all cases too, socialization needs to be considered when we consider what makes a woman or a man. Socialization is so important when someone makes it (or doesn't)  In other words, some females or males never make it to the level of being women or men. For whatever reason, their life's journey is interrupted. 

Most importantly to me, estrogen took the hard edge of testosterone off of me. More than my hair, breasts and hips, my internal peace of who I had became was the new focus of my life. I was mellowed out by my new hormonal self induced (and doctor) monitored levels. Once I started the process I never needed to look back. As you can tell, HRT to me was much more than the physical results.   

It's a Phase?

Image from Samuel Regan Assante 
on UnSplash

 Years ago I became enamored with the idea my cross dressing was just a phase and perhaps someday I would grow out of it. Of course I never did and here we are as I live a life as a fulltime transgender woman. 

I think that even though my Mom never mentioned anything about her clothes being worn or her makeup being used, she most likely thought (or hoped) I was going through some sort of a phase. There is no way I can't believe I was as good as I thought I was hiding my "hobby" from her. Especially when I began to acquire my very own hard earned small wardrobe of feminine clothes and makeup. Even though this phase of my life was just the beginning, it did teach me the lengths of effort I would have to go to to hide my true self from everyone.  I needed to try extra hard to at least participate in male activities such as  sports to cover how I really felt about my life.

It turned out, my early years were a phase after all. The years turned out to be a learning process when I learned the basics of not surviving in a mirror and being able to venture out in the world for the first time as a woman. Very quickly I learned the more I ventured out, the more natural I felt for the first time in my life. A new phase of my life was just beginning. I was loving my successful experiences in a feminine world. 

The next phase of my life was attempting to being able to fully play in the girl's sandbox. I felt I had earned the right due to so many different situations I encountered as I went about my MtF gender transition. All the way from being asked to leave certain venues to being totally accepted and being embraced for being a regular guest. I even considered I was welcomed for the extra diversity I added to the venue. Sadly, I will never know for sure why. I can only know I was.

At this point, my phases of life became a little blurred because they were coming so fast. All of a sudden I gained friends who included me in their circles. I was invited to everything from lesbian mixers, all the way to women's roller derby. Each invitation added to my understanding of a world I so badly wanted to enter. Most importantly, I needed the opportunity to be rounded out as the new feminine person I was becoming. The process was never easy but I had much needed friends help me. 

It took awhile to realize the largest phase I was going through was when I was trying my hardest to survive and prosper in a male world. I needed to act like I enjoyed the BB Gun I received for Christmas instead of the doll baby I really wanted as well as acting as if I enjoyed going hunting with my Dad and younger brother. It wasn't to be until later in life when I learned how successful I had been in covering myself as a macho male. Certain people were totally surprised when I came out and transitioned into the transgender world. I guess I was too successful in my hiding phase when I was younger.

Everybody's life  includes phases, transgender or not. It just seem our trans life's have more intense phases as we attempt very difficult transitions. Often at the risk of losing everything. We can only hope new phases bring balance to our life as well as a chance to move forward. Often out of our dark lonely closets.