A Rare Night Out

Dining Out from the Jessie Hart
Collection.

Last night I talked my wife Liz into going to one  of our favorite Mexican restaurants.  She works hard and is very much a homebody so getting her to go out is rare. On the other hand, I consider getting in motion to go out and eat is one of my rare pleasures. 

The excuse I used last night was since we were already going to be out to vote anyway, I would treat her to dinner so she wouldn't have to cook. Since we always consider voting to be so important, I didn't have much convincing to do to get her to go out and eat. 

First of all, voting went quickly and I always consider the voting process an honor because of two reasons. The first is obvious because these days, with the spread of anti-transgender legislation, it is important to make sure we all get out the vote to combat it.  All means all of us. Even if you are still deep in your closet, you never know when the door will open and you will need the rights you voted for to live a quality life in the world. The second reason I like to vote is, it reminds me of the first real time I had to use my brand new Ohio Driver's License to vote and my license had the magical female (F) on it. I'm sure as long as I live, I will never forget the experience of voting the first time with my new I.D. 

As I said, voting went quickly and I was treated with respect so I felt good about continuing the evening in another venue we know so well.

These days, ordering from a restaurant menu is a little dicey because Liz and I are on a strict sugar and flower free diet. Using s little imagination we were able to order fajita's without the beans, rice or tortilla's and just had salads instead. Since I have tried to follow the diet the best I could, I enjoyed a mini celebration with a beer. Regardless of all of that, no one paid us any extra attention, which back in the day would have been a problem. Even though I very much am able to move through society without many problems these days, I still remember the days which I couldn't. 

Since Liz and I were able to enjoy a rare night out, I am hoping I can convince her to get out more often. She even orders most of our groceries and household items to be delivered. I am hoping the weight she is losing will fuel a new found confidence in her which will allow her to go out more often. Fortunately, she knows my feeling on the subject. I need to public acceptance to help my overall mental health about being a secure transgender woman. 

I am a big believer in success breeds success and soon I will be enjoying more nights out.    

I Never Looked Back

Image courtesy Rainier Ridao'
on UnSplash 

Once I freed myself from the remaining shackles of my male life, I was fortunate in that I never had the opportunity to look back. Rarely did I think I was doing anything wrong and my inner strong feminine self was ecstatic with the whole process she waited so long for. Perhaps the unique situation I was living in the at the time helped. 

First of all, I was just emerging from one of the darkest moments I had ever known in my life. I had just lost my business not so long after I lost my wife and several close friends mostly due to cancer. At the same time I was really becoming involved with the internet where I could check out the possibility of learning of others in similar situations. Especially in the relatively new world of transgender women. I spent hours when I was off work seeking new information on my computer. The more I saw, the more I wondered if I could pursue similar paths towards achieving my dream of living full time as a transgender woman. The whole process provided me with hope for the future.

It was during this period of my life too when I had very few obstacles in my way. Since my wife had passed away, there was no one close to me to stop me from doing serious experimentation with living life as a woman. I set about to refine my appearance and learn as much as I could about the feminine arts of public life. Primary examples included vocal communication and overall attempts to blend in with the at large public. The whole process was equally terrifying and exciting as well as it took my mind off of my overall problems. Now the process seems like a blur as my inner feminine self quickly took over my life. I decided then to undergo hormone replacement therapy which seemed like the best way to continue my MtF gender transition and never look back. 

I write often about how the hormones affected me and how quick the process was. Possibly because of the fact I was older (in my early sixties) and my testosterone was in decline anyhow. At any rate, even under mostly minimum dosages, I was surprised how fast the changes to my body began to appear. Before I knew it, I was reaching a point where I was a very androgynous human being. Again, I was excited and wanted permission from my doctors to do more. 

I did do more and more and never looked back. Primarily because there was no good reason to do so. Because always living a male life was such a struggle for me and living a new feminine life just felt so natural. My inner self was telling me in no uncertain terms I told you so and I loved it. The feelings continued into my everyday life as I found I could be successful in a woman's world. Finally, never looking back became part of my life as I set out to be the best new person I could be.    

     

Entering Woman only Spaces

 

First Girls Night Out. I am on the 
bottom left. From the Jessie Hart
Collection

Recently I posted two comments from readers. One of which mentioned her concerns with responding to and going to a women's only space. The reader, Ann, said she did not go for several relevant reasons including she didn't want to turn the place into a space where the other women felt there was an "interloper" there which made normal feminine discourse impossible. I paraphrased Ann. If you want to refer to her entire comment, go back one day to the "Trans-Sisterhood" post. If you haven't read it, it is a well thought out statement of if you should or should not attend. In response, Lisa P added this comment:

"  May I comment to Ann? I asked if I could join a women’s book club and was readily accepted. I can assure Ann that if she is being asked, she will be welcomed. Moreover, we talk about issues specific to women all the time, and there is no hesitancy or embarrassment shown by them. They know I am part of their “tribe” and I am safe. I do appreciate Ann’s concern and thoughtfulness (we should all emulate her). If possible I ask first before entering women’s safe spaces. But, I have not been rejected and I am more whole when I am part of the sisterhood of women. Lisa P."

As I said yesterday, when I first was invited to "girls' nights out" as well as other women only spaces I felt remarkably welcome. In many instances I felt as if the other women were welcoming into their club with arms open. Plus in many ways I have thought other women respond favorably to a transgender woman's need to do away with any toxic masculinity and live an authentic life. Once I was invited to play in the girl's sandbox and I learned the rules, I never looked back and went on to proceeding to live a life I only had dreamed of. Maybe, as Ann said, I could have been a little selfish but taking the chance to live and learn from other women was too much to resist. As Lisa said I was never rejected and realized more than ever before how much I was missing when I still was trying to live part of my life as a man. 

Then, there were all the nights I partied with two other women who happened to identify as lesbian, The entire experience validated in me the fact I didn't need a man's attention so I could feel like a woman. Once I made it to this point, thanks to my friends, I never had to look back again. From there I went on to "co-ed" spaces which included men but were dominated by women. Again, a whole new learning process. I believe it as during this phase when I began to develop more of myself as a transgender woman. It was especially true when I knew all of the other group participants knew I reached my gender destination by a different route than anyone else in the room. 

By entering woman only spaces, initially I was terrified but once I was accepted, I was able to grow into the trans sisterhood with other women and the group became more diverse.