The Good Old Days?

On a Good Adventure in 
Columbus from the Jessie
Hart Archives 

As a transgender woman of a few years, I have a tendency to look back at my life. When I do, often the positive memories out number the negative ones. Of course I remember the benefits of being younger and potentially more attractive.  I had substantially fewer wrinkles as we all do when we are younger but on the negative side, I had more and darker beard growth.  These days I can get away for the occasional close shave every couple of days with no electrolysis ever. 

Then there were all the other days when I seemingly wanted to force my way out of my closet by making very bad fashion choices and ended up being ridiculed by a discerning public. For years I was sure all the public was just looking at me. Heading home extremely depressed to the point of crying most certainly were not the good old days. As with anything else in life, I needed to learn the hard way on how to properly face the public as a feminine transgender woman before I could experience the days I remember so fondly now.

Ironically, so many of my so called positive experiences were more adventures than anything else. Since I was always under a self imposed curfew to be home and undressed before my wife arrived back from her job, I seemed some nights I was literally counting the minutes. Those were the early nights when I was approached by several different lesbians in a small venue I went to often. Perhaps on those adventures I did too good of a job projecting myself as a "lipstick" lesbian where I went with my tight jeans, boots and long blond hair. On the other hand, the more likely possibility was the other women knew what they were getting into and were just considering some experimentation. In those days my old male ego was still with me completely and I was very vain about how I looked as a woman. 

Another reason I had adventures was I put myself into situations where I could find them. I actively sought out venues where the possibility of being harassed ran high, just to see if I could get by. Those were the evenings I had the cops called on me all the way to being asked to leave one venue. Plus the worst night I can ever remember was when another woman verbally assaulted me in the women's restroom by calling me a pervert. Definitely not the good old days. Destiny was kind to me though. Normally when I was at my lowest point mentally with my long drawn out gender transition something came along to encourage me. I would use the term "gender euphoria" but I think all of this occurred well before the term was invented. What was really happening was I was beginning to learn the basics of gender survival I would need to survive a very rocky journey. I needed to learn the hard way being a woman was so much more than appearance. How I walked the walk and talked the talk became so much more important to me. Of course I still wanted to look my best and I kept my weight down as well as keeping my skin as feminine as possible. I began to look at shaving as the ultimate defoliator. 

All we can ask for in life is to get an even break. Even though the good old days may not have been that good, I was fortunate in that I was able to learn from them and survive.     

Transgender Inclusion

 

My Fave Girls. Liz on left, daughter on right
from the Jessie Hart Archives 

I actually survived my second "Seder" Jewish ritual service and dinner in fairly good shape. The one my wife Liz and I were invited to last year proved to be very uncomfortable due to my back's reactions to very uncomfortable chairs. This year I was greeted by my son in law to my own comfortable chair which ended up fitting perfectly with the table we ate at. I was so relieved. 

I also was happy my trans grandchild was the "moderator" and led the lengthy service which was partly in Jewish. Since lately I seem to struggle with English, speaking nay Jewish was certainly out of my reach. 

It turned out,  my grandchild who is re-enrolling in The Ohio State University this Spring seems to be coming out of their shell quite a bit and was there with their partner, whose name I promptly screwed up when we arrived. So much for making a good second impression. Which has been normally the story of my life. Open mouth, insert foot. 

Being included so totally in their rituals of the Jewish Faith has always been amazing to me. In fact, years ago at my oldest grandson's Bar Mitzfah  I was asked to get up in front of many people in his temple and have a part in the service. I was still early into my Mtf gender transition and was petrified but was able to come through it all unscathed.  I am not a real expert but the Jewish Temple my daughter and family belong to are Reform Jews and not the stricter Orthodox Jews which is possibly why I was welcomed and included with open arms.

For the day, as I wrote about briefly yesterday, since I was never allowed to even think about wearing a pretty, bight colored dress like the girls and women were allowed to wear,  I resorted to wearing my own bright colored clothes. What I attempted to do was wear as much as I could of the clothes and accessories my wife Liz has made for me over the years. She knitted me a pink and blue sleeveless sweater vest which I wore over a white camisole top and my bright patterned leggings. Then I added the earrings and hand beaded trans hair beret she made me. As I said yesterday, she is very talented and has her own shops on the Etsy craft platform under "Liz T Deigns" if you would like to visit it. 

Outside of being able to wear what I wanted to relieve myself of past anxieties, the best time I had was when my transgender grandchild made a special effort to sit down with Liz and I and discuss their advanced Physic's course she was taking soon at OSU when classes resume. They (chosen pronouns) most certainly didn't  get any of my genetics from me in the math or science area's of academia. I can barely add or subtract on a good day. I wish I could say I understood all they were talking about but I didn't. I was better suited in understanding the history behind the "Seder" ritual and how in it's own way intersects with all the problems going on today in the Middle East. 

 As I thought of all of sadness in the world and discrimination against the transgender population, my fondest hope is I can leave some sort of a legacy on how you can lead a successful life as a trans person. Being included in such an inviting ritual such as a "Seder" was a start.

It's Easter Weekend

 

Hand Beaded Trans Beret from
LizT Designs on Etsy

This weekend features the special observance days of several major religions around the world. As I was raised in a semi-serious religious home, we didn't do much for the Easter Christian religious observance. Of course I remember quite vividly how much I disliked  dressing up in the male restricting clothes such as a tie which I hated so much. I would have rather worn one of the pretty bright colored dresses all the girls my age were able to wear. At the time, the earth seemed to be tilted unfairly in the girls direction. 

Today, in a sense, I get just a bit of revenge on my past. My wife and I are attending a Jewish observance that we were invited to at my daughter's mother in law's house. Appetizers will be served before the formal observance which was well attended last year by mostly friends of my two out of three grandkids. Unfortunately, my grandchild who is transgender probably won't be there today because they live with their partner in Virginia which is quite the trip from Ohio. 

For the day, I have decided to brighten my wardrobe up for the Spring weather we are finally now beginning to see. I am wearing a sleeveless very light sweater top Liz handmade for me paired with my patterned bright colored leggings. I even went all out and put in my long unused earrings which again Liz made for me. Plus to spotlight my transgender status in this time of uncertainty, I am wearing the trans hand beaded hair beret which again was made by Liz. If you are catching a theme right now, you are right. Liz is very talented. 

So, in my own way to get even with the mean old days when I wasn't allowed to wear anything bright colored to Easter observations. I am going light and bright.  The only drawback is if I am going to be warm enough. I have decided to throw caution to the wind and wear my bright sleeveless outfit to the Jewish observation of "Seder". While I am not Jewish, my daughter is and it will be good to see her. 

Whatever what religion you may happen to have an Easter observance with this weekend, I hope you have a good one.