Owning It!

Our "Own it Girl" post here in Cyrsti's Condo, continues to generate incredible feedback from some of you regulars-including some who are considering testing the mainstream waters out of the closet.I am going to try to do my best to wrap your idea's and comments around mine.

The positive part of the internet is the realization many of us are in the same gender transition boat-no matter where we live.  Take Jen's comment for an example and compare it with where I am in Ohio or Shelle is in rural Indiana.  I'm relatively sure both Shelle and I would trade you places to begin stepping out of the closet, but then again, our problems doing it weren't all that different.

Jen wrote:

""I work on Hollywood Blvd, very near the Chinese Theater. 

At least several times a week, as I'm either driving to and from work, or out walking to lunch, I notice transgender / cross dressing people. I know there is at least one trans person working here too and she is totally accepted! 

Some are like the person I mentioned, where they are just being themselves, not concerned about being out in public or passing so well (yes they own it!) Of course some you wouldn't pick out at all unless you're looking closely.

I always get a thrill if I notice someone (hope!). Yes guilty - I'm often looking to see if I can notice anyone, because I'm always trying to find "looks" that might work for me when I'm en-femme. I try not to make it obvious :-)"

You addressed a couple very interesting points Jen!  It's interesting to me how all of us "look" for other "sisters of the cloth." Just yesterday, I posted a comment from Pat on how her and her wife have an easy time picking out obvious cross dressers / trans women (with style issues) from the crowd. I am going to write a whole new post on the subject which should post tomorrow. (Pat's Wife and I)

Jen, rest assured,  when you can get to the point where you are at the least comfortable with who you are, you will "pass" better than you ever imagined.  Look, I know it's tough and I'm not just blowing smoke up your skirt (if you are wearing one), just take baby steps! One suggestion though. Chances are, those trans girls or cross dressers who are navigating a feminine society took their clues from the genetic women of the world!  We all know a genetic woman's life is so multi layered she learns early how to present for each situation- so she can "pass" too.  Examples could be shopping, picking up the kids, or going out on Saturday night. Whatever the scenario, she has to own it too.  When she is "feeling it" the world does too!  As we transition, our problem is "syncing up" how we think we ought to feel with reality.  

My HUGE mistake was Jen, I was viewing myself as a woman based on how a man would-not another woman.

Finally, I would dearly love to visit you out there in Hollywood.  Been around the L.A. area in route to Northern California but that's it.

Maybe we could schedule a Stilettos on Thin Ice book signing there and then go north to Seattle and visit Connie?  That's a bunch o books!!!!

Androgyny-

Too much beauty for one gender!  Androgynous male to female model Van Burnham.  Whose height is listed at 5'9" and weight at 115 lbs.

Van has a web site and offers this brief gender bio:

At this point I really have no idea where or what my gender will evolve into. It seems that the most confusing parts of my life was when my “end gender” was determined, and I was set down one path or another… originally being a boy, and then later transitioning to a woman.  The concept of being androgynous to me is that I don’t have to choose male or female, and that if I do choose one of those in the long term, that the choice wasn’t a choice… but rather something I evolved into.  

I find it empowering to be as open as possible in regards to gender, sexuality and overall outlook on life.  It’s a nice feeling when you put everything out on the table as soon as you meet someone… people feel like that can trust you more when they know all your “secrets,” and thus relationships have a much deeper meaning.  

When Your "Comfort Zone" isn't so "Comfortable" Anymore.

I gave quite a bit of thought to all the activity described in the "Hate" Cyrsti's Condo post yesterday and managed to come up with what I thought was a fairly simple idea:  My old comfort zone as a guy just isn't comfortable anymore.

Back in the day, I could out macho my way through most situations I found my way into-or got myself into with my mouth. I could have stared down the stupid inbred hill jack in the truck. No more.  One reason is-we have talked until we are blue or green in the face here about the effects of HRT and the fact remains I am now the proud owner of an increasingly prominent set of feminine breasts. Sure, I see plenty of guys in my town who could easily fill a "C" or even a "D" cup with their "Moobs" (Man Boobs) but in the wrong t-shirt, mine are distinctly feminine to the point of going in for my first mammogram in a week or so.

So what's my problem (you and I are both asking?)  I still have this thin thread connecting to me to my male past.  The thread is the remnant of the lifeline I carried with me when I was deciding how transgender I was.  When I had a particularly bad day experimenting presenting as a woman in public, I knew my gender line was still there to pull myself back into my "comfort zone."

Now it is the exact opposite.  The only reason the thread is till there at all is I'm lazy and for the very few occasions I need to bring him back.  I'm the supreme procrastinator and if something is not beating me in the noggin (such as gender markers) , I will put them off.  You should have seen the confusion on the front desk girl's face as she checked my driver's license when we got to our hotel for Trans Ohio.  I'm sure she knew I wasn't genetic but when she looked at my ID, .my picture looks very androgynous but has a male gender marker.  The worst part is, Ohio is not a difficult state to get your gender changed on a driver's license (but impossible so far on a birth certificate.) So exactly what is it I'm waiting for?

I guess you can say I am afraid to cut that last thread but not for any of the usual reasons.  I have said I infuriate the gender "purists" who recoil at any retention of anything male as they transition, but that's not me. I'm sure as hell not against using anything from my past to further my future.

Setting aside any of my past though,  the old comfort zone "just ain't what it used to be" and the new one is feeling more and more natural.