Oil and Water?

A follow up post about the site I recently linked to here on Cyrsti's Condo, will refer to the possibility of bridging the gap between cross dressers and transgender women.

Sometimes I wonder if we are the equivalent of oil and water mixing.

Of course, during the stages of a Mtf gender transition, many of us pass through being what we believe to be a cross dressing period. Then gradually we find,being feminine is a natural way of life for us and we begin to think of ourselves as transgender.

This transition makes it incredibly difficult for us to explain to a spouse, family or friend what is going on with us. Simply wanting to wear clothes of the opposite gender is easier to pass off (no pun intended) than wanting to switch and live full time.

Also, the incredible tiny yet huge differences between the binary genders can not be easily explained or even learned without real life experience.

I do think cross dressers can understand transgender women and vice versa.

It;s hard for me though, to understand the cross dressers who seem to be more interested in posting a selfie, rather than caring what is happening to LGBT rights overall. But there was a time, I was guilty of the same thing. It took me years to figure out when and if someone took the time to tell me "how good I looked" was there a silent "for a man" attached to it?  Plus learning to live a feminine life encompassed so much more than looks or passing.

Maybe I have been chosen to experience binary gender dysphoria and fluid dysphoria in the same life?

Why not?

Time Heals All?

Well, not quite, but at the least, time does have the benefit of softening unpleasant memories.

In a recent comment on a Cyrsti's Condo post, Connie mentions (among other things) the concept of my deceased wife eventually coming to terms with and/or accepting me being a transgender woman:

  "FABULOUSCONNIEDEEDecember 25, 2017 at 11:19 PM

It's coming up on ten years when my wife and I finally started dealing, truthfully, with my gender identity. She had not been happy with my cross dressing, and it was about to end our then 35 years of marriage. We reached an agreement that allowed me to be myself, Connie, on a semi-regular basis, although not with family and old friends. Her one demand, at the time, was that, if I grew breasts, I would be out of here. Over time, we have transitioned together, and she may even feel a little sorry for me that I am unable to undergo HRT for medical reasons. Your wife may have relented over time, as well.

My mother and my brother both died the following April. I regret never even discussing my gender identity with them, even though they had known that I cross dressed when I was young. Their absence from the family get-together was felt today. If only my presence, as the woman I am, could have been felt by them when they were alive.

You're right, perspective is all-important. But, really, when will my Christmas wish come true? "All I want for Christmas is my two front teats, my two front teats, my two front teats...."

Sorry about the loss of your brother and mother and the holidays are a bitter reminder that death is final. As long as someone is still alive, reconciliation is still possible. 

I do think too, my wife and I would have remained friends and she may even have become to respect or even grow fond of the true person I was to become.

As far as those "teats" go, put your best breast forward. 

Removal

I removed the HTML link and post concerning the cross dresser - transgender woman union site after I was researching it closer and my anti virus protection kicked one of their links out.

Beware and I am sorry. I will find out more! It all could be harmless...then again maybe not.

Ghosts of Christmas Past

Christmas Day brings back memories of my deceased wife, who was hugely into Christmas.

Even to the point of having a separate gift exchange for my cross dressing self. She had very few problems with my cross dressing, but made it very clear she couldn't accept any part of me being transgender. So, I did the unnatural thing...I hid it.

Every Christmas Eve though, I couldn't wait to open my "girl gift", which normally was a very nice sweater, or a sweater/skirt set.

I remember being quite fond of a fuzzy tight fitting pale blue sweater I received one year.

My wife has been gone now almost nine years, and it took me a good seven to even begin to celebrate the season again. But with the help of Liz, I have (although we actually celebrate "Yule" on a separate day.) 

Overcoming 65 plus years of Christmas with all of it's fond family memories is something I don't want to forget. I found I have to put the whole season in perspective, even with the non acceptance of my only brother.

I hope all of you can too, and begin to look ahead to a 2018 full of good will.

Merry Christmas!

I hope this Cyrsti's Condo post finds you safe,well and taking a moment to celebrate whatever religion you believe in!

Also, thank you sooo much for stopping by the blog as much as you do. It means a lot!

Happy Holidays!

Happy? Holidays?

Very simply, the holidays are a tough, tough time for a significant percentage of LGBT people. Not everyone has been accepted by their families, or has been able to find an extended family of like minded individuals...in our case, transgender individuals.

Perhaps you remember the Cyrsti's Condo post about the on-line counseling services offered by the BetterHelp group.

In my correspondence with them, I asked if they had any services directed towards the LGBT community. Recently, I received a fantastic response, a "Pride Counseling List" of phone numbers (including other countries) which can provide you with a quick help line in times of dire need.

The overall link to the "BetterHelp" site is located on my "blog list" "Do You Wanna Hook Up" located on the right front page of the blog towards the bottom. Or you can go here.

Please always remember, if you are depressed and stuck in the closet (like I was for years) your life too, can change on a dime and often the darkest hour is just before the dawn! Trans people can be remarkable survivors.

Every Once in a While!

Yesterday was one of those "A-Ha!" moments when I happened to get a quick glimpse of what the future holds for me on HRT.

If you are not familiar, hormone replacement therapy happens in stages too, not unlike the rest of your Mtf transition. Of course, your change will depend on upon dosage and levels of testosterone already in your body. Always remember, estrogen will only take you so far, then has the potential to be very toxic.

Initially the first changes I felt were with emotions and with increased tenderness in my breast area. Overtime, my breasts filled out to perhaps a small "D" cup and my hair went positively nuts. Along the way too, my body hair began to thin out.

Finally, my hips began to fill out as I saw for the first time yesterday. I could see what could/would have been, had I been born a cis woman.

You also need to remember with me, my advanced age (68) and the amount of time (6 months) I spent off HRT when I had the liver/iron problems. Add in the six months I spent initially on a bare minimum estrogen dosage and I feel I have been on serious HRT for three and half years.

I have always read, one must be on HRT approximately three years for hip development to occur.

At any rate, my quick glimpse yesterday was at once exciting and sad. Exciting on how far I have come and sad it took me so long to get here.

The Essence of Feminity

Connie delves into the "earth being flat" or the essence of femininity:

"FABULOUSCONNIEDEEDecember 21, 2017 at 12:13 PM

Mirrors and pics are two-dimensional. Depending upon them to affirm a trans woman's femininity leaves that femininity two-dimensional, as well. One of my favorite things to say is that a trans woman can't really see herself fully until she sees her own reflection in the eyes of others. Reaching the third dimension requires much effort - even more than all of the primping and posing it takes to make a good picture. Simply attempting to achieve a physically passing appearance becomes, at some point, a flat existence.

I know there are many who would argue that their cross dressing experiences are not flat and two-dimensional. They might say that their feminine self is nothing more than an extension of their three-dimensional male self. I understand it because, well, "been there, done that." As for myself, I had reached a point where even that was making me feel flat - no matter what gender I was showing myself to be. Even when I was living 80% as my feminine self, I was really no better than 50/50, because I had to be ready to make the change, either way, sometimes at a moment's notice. I felt like I was in a limbo, and I was not a good example of a woman or a man. Yes, I was cheating myself of a full, three-dimensional life, but, worse than that, I was cheating family and friends of my full self and the attention they deserved. Showing myself in a selfie, or, more to the point, as a selfie, was selfish and disingenuous. That is not what I ever want to be again.

Maybe, someday, I will reach a fifth dimension - about the time of the dawning of the age of Aquarius? (dating myself once again) :-)"

A GREAT point!  Thanks Connie...maybe Aquarius is here for the LGBT  transgender community.  

Comment from Google Plus Reader

This came from Jean- Paul on Google Plus:

Hi first of all, please excuse my intrusion into your world but could you accept that the fact that we find ourselves on this same network takes me to take part of your profile which has caught all my attention which I hasten to give full satisfaction, daring to hope that you are well and that you pass an excellent and in case you come back in knowledge of my mail and whatever your answer, know that it is in all friendship that the read, thank you for your understanding! "

First of all, thank you Jean-Paul and indeed I am well as I hope you are too!

This is a reminder  you can reach me  on my email (which is on the blog page "contact me". If you wnat the question/comemment to be private, just tell me) also I am on Facebook and Twitter.

What ever method you choose, thnaks soooo much!

The Two Second Challenge

The second part of the previous Cyrsti's Condo post, addresses the two second gender challenge. In fact It's one of the topics I was educating my therapist about yesterday in our transgender veteran support group.

I have read studies in the past which have said the average human forms a gender determination in a space of two seconds.

In my stages of transition, I believe I have reached the point of having a fighting chance of being considered feminine with the majority of strangers I encounter these days.

More likely than not, I try to be ultra friendly (with a smile) the first time I meet someone, so they will pleasantly remember me when and if I see them again.

I learned the "second meeting" idea when I first started to go out as a cross dresser and the people who encountered me a second time expected me to interact with them. It was when I first learned I could (and wanted) to be a functioning transgender woman outside of my closet.

These days, I feel it's up to me to better my voice and project female to other strangers. Plus, if they don't get it, that is their problem, not mine. Which makes the whole deal stress free for me.

Plus, even these days, I still try to learn from every interaction. After-all, if I didn't, life as I know it would be over and I may as well regress back into my dark past in a cross dressing closet.

It's a gender game I love to win!

To Be ...or Not To Be

There are two huge questions we face as we go through the "stages of MtF gender transition."

One of which is the pesky "passing" question. If you go back through all the very old Cyrsti's Condo's posts you may notice an inordinate amount of them have to do with how I looked. Over time though, I became less and less obsessed  and more concerned with how I felt. In addition, you probably noticed, many of the pictures I use are dated.

Connie noticed: (Thanks!)

FABULOUSCONNIEDEEDecember 20, 2017 at 11:12 AM

"You forgot to take a selfie?!? Now, that marks a point of transition. It's a long way from being obsessed with taking selfies, anyway. Although I have never been one for taking selfies, it seems to be a pretty popular thing to do within the trans community, especially among the cross dressing faction."

I think there is a certain sense of pride in all the work it takes to transform one's self from a man to a woman for a selfie at least, and rightfully so. The problem becomes when you  have to take the selfie out into the public's eye and deal with reality. I remember all the times the mirror told me I looked devastatingly good, just to be totally devastated when I would be immediately busted. It's impossible for a picture to hold up a standard when you add in all the angles and movement of real life.

Over time though, I personally was fortunate enough to be able to grow out my own hair enough to do away with wigs and gain enough confidence from it to move forward in my transition to another stage. I am aware too, a cross dresser or transgender woman can do the same with a quality wig/hair piece.  

The end result of course is how confident you feel and if a picture helps, why not? 

Often, to be...or not to be is just in the eyes of another anyhow.

I believe now I have crossed into another stage of transition where much of the public automatically views me as a woman and it is up to me to screw it up from there. Which is the topic of another upcoming blog post here in Cyrsti's Condo and answer the second question.