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| Image from Levi Mear Clancy on UnSplash |
As transgender women and transgender men, we often play the waiting game in life. In my case, I played the game frequently as I could not wait for the next time I could cross-dress and could put on makeup.
Early on in life I was naïve and thought that eventually I would
grow out of my desire to be a girl if I just waited long enough. Of course,
that never happened and I grew into a more established cross-dressing life, all
the way to being a proud transgender woman. Often, I was very frustrated when I
had to wait in my gender journey to clear obstacles in my path such as three
years in the Army, the raising of my family and other things too numerous to
mention.
There was also frustration when I had to learn what I was doing as
I tried to cross the gender border. It was not as easy as just putting on a
dress which fit me and applying skillful makeup. It took an extreme amount of
time away from my unapproving family, a younger brother and an extreme amount
of practice to do it right. None of the process was as easy as I had imagined
but for the first time in my life, I was dedicated to doing something right and
that was coming as close as I could to becoming a pretty girl. Adding to my
increasing problems was that I had no choice but to go through male puberty with
all the unwanted masculine qualities I received but had not asked for.
It seemed, the older I became the waiting game for me increased
completely with it. I was still trying to carve out time to cross-dress in my
closet which in itself was becoming increasingly frustrating. The time was upon
me to leave my closet for the first time and see if I could make it in the
world as a feminine person. Somehow, I gathered the courage to go out and then
was completely rejected by the public. All my failures combined to send me back
to my gender closet and return to my waiting game. Finally, I reached a point
where I could wait no longer and kept trying the world until I got it right and
I was blending in with the world at large where I was going. When I did, my
paranoia about going out decreased and my confidence increased as I began to relax
and enjoy myself.
As all of this was happening, it was becoming increasingly evident
that a tour of duty in the military was going to be in my future. To attempt to
stay out of combat in the Vietnam War, I decided to enlist for three long years,
and avoid the draft. My problem was at that time in my life, three years seemed
like an eternity. Especially away from my dresses and makeup. As well as the
new long blond wig I managed to purchase for a girlfriend I had in college who hated
the wig, so I managed to get it back. A dream came true for me until I had to
leave it behind for three long years until I could get back home and wear it again.
When I served my three years and was back in the civilian world, I
again was naïve and thought most of my waiting game was behind me. In fact, it
was just getting started when the Halloween parties I went to as a woman,
showed me that I could possibly live my dream of a transfeminine person after
all. I just had to find the hidden keys to unlock my future which was not going
to be easy as I thought it was going to be as I delved further into what I would
have to do to survive and thrive in a world made up by ciswomen. As much as I
had studied the world of women around me, I was not ready to go behind the gender
curtain and be admitted into the girls’ club. A woman’s life was much more
complex than I ever imagined and the first fact that I learned was why cismen
and women do not understand each other. In order to make it into the girls’
sandbox, the first thing I needed to do was understand the new form of
communication I was challenged to learn. It was true that men were from Mars
and women were from Venus and initially, I felt I was on the Moon. The ultimate
gender traveler.
The positive part of my life at that time was, my waiting game was
speeding up, and I was learning new lessons on where I should be in the world
nightly when I went out to socialize with my new ciswomen friends.
Without them knowing it, I set back and let all of them be my feminine teachers
as I tried to round off what was left of my old male life. Even still, I was impatient
about how my life was going and wanted to know what was around the next blind
curve on my gender path. I had waited long enough with the time I had spent by
myself trying to learn a new life which included a whole new gender language.
Before I made the final decision to end my waiting game
and jump into the girls ‘club I needed to pause and look back and see if I was
making the right decision with my life. Since I was giving up almost all the
male privileges, I had worked so hard to gain. I finally got so frustrated with
myself that I had to do something about it. I was tired of worrying every
moment of the day about what I was going to do. One night I said enough was enough
and it was time to begin HRT gender affirming hormones and leave my past
behind.
I will never think that the waiting game I played was a
good thing, but it turned out I had to play out the cards that I had. We are
all different which makes us human and interesting as trans folk. We just must
get the remainder of the world to accept us. The fact remains the world does not
take the time to understand us. So do not expect it. What you can expect is a
fair break from the world as you follow your path. That way your waiting game
may be a little easier.
Thanks for listening to my waiting game I was playing.
Any comments are appreciated.
