 |
| No more Elephants! JJ Hart, |
Taking a break from the elephant? I guess finally I am.
This morning, with groceries running low in the house, my
wife Liz and I decided to run out in the rain to our nearby coffee shop to grab
coffee and a breakfast snack. Since I was not anticipating meeting anyone else
in the world, I just grabbed my purse and headed out the door with Liz. No
makeup or anything since we were just going through the drive through. When we
returned home and in a dry space, it occurred to me that I had retired the elephant
in the closet of my life.
Excuse my language, but that damn elephant has always been a
part of me for as long as I can remember. It was somehow a part of every
decision I made. I could not take a break if I wanted to. If I was on a vacation
with my second wife, I could not relax because I was thinking so much how I
would feel if I could do it as a woman. Usually, after the vacation was over, I
just wanted to get back to work to take my mind off the elephant in the room…my
transgender issues.
I finally came to a point when I quit worrying about who I
was gender-wise. I was just me and that had to be good enough. Surely though, I
needed a lot of help to make it to that point in my life. I was deeply insecure
about my transfeminine self and needed whatever public reassurance I could get.
More than not, the reassurance came from having no feedback at all when I was
out in the world. No laughing or staring to ruin my entire experience. I just
could not take any sort of break until I became better at my public
presentation all the time. I was still two people trying to come together.
All of this extended over to my writing which at this count
is over seven thousand posts over ten years on one platform I write on. On occasion,
I go back through my earlier posts to see what if there were any changes there
were. When I did, I was amazed at how centered
in I was on my feminine appearance and not much else. I still had not learned
what the elephant in the room was trying to tell me, there was so much more to
being a woman than my appearance. I could not take a break until I learned that
ciswomen lead a more difficult, layered life than men, and I needed to adjust
and do better if I was ever going to really succeed.
I don’t think I truly conquered all of my fears of merging
my worlds together until Liz and I began to take bus tour vacations to various
parts of the country. Primarily, when I needed to stand in line for the first
time in many years with other women waiting to use the restroom. The entire
process tested my new outlook on the world in a space which was considered a
women’s only environment. I remembered what I learned from all my past
experiences, did what I had to do, washed up and left. With no adverse feedback
from any potential haters or bigots. I was just me using the restroom.
With all of that behind me, I began to relax even farther
and enjoy all the new scenery the trip had to offer, for the first time as me.
I was on my own and to hell with the elephant which had taken up so much room
in my closet. Another chapter in my life had been closed. The only break I took
was from my daily writing routine, to allow myself a chance to recharge my
batteries and hopefully do a better job which I had never been professionally
trained at. I just started writing to hopefully help others with similar issues.
These days, since I have retired from my elephant and am
still taking a break from all the problems and commotion he caused, sometimes I
don’t know how to act. After all, I needed years to rebuild the damage he
caused. Taking a break, now, means a lot more to me than just taking a vacation.
I am sure before the next adventure we take; I will still feel the same residue
from past gender world mishaps I needed to overcome and move forward, but at
least I don’t have to ruin my days worrying about it.
It is much easier to pack for a trip for just one person.
The only person which really mattered all along which makes taking a break much
easier to do.
