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| JJ Hart gaining my rhythm with women. I ma in first row on left. |
It took me years to get into rhythm as a new transgender woman when I no longer considered myself a weekend cross-dresser.
The main problem I had was I needed to go back and forth between
my male life and the feminine life I was trying desperately to learn. My wife
and I had come to an uneasy truce about my increasing need to explore the world
of ciswomen. She thought it was fair that I took three days out of my week to cross-dress
and would even see that I had the money to go to a motel to complete my male to
female femininization. Anything but me leaving the house dressed as me.
As you can tell, that was more than a fair deal but not a
deal I could keep. Every time I was getting used to the makeup, clothes and
movements of being a woman, I had to have it all taken away with a jolt of
reality when I had to go back fulltime into my unwanted male world. Before long,
I grew tired of the truce and having my gender rhythm destroyed and started to
leave the house as me any time I wanted. As with most good times, my brief on
an off life as a transgender woman was threatened with ending as my second
wife discovered me time after time, I had excuses for being dis-honest and
jeopardizing the good marriage I had but deep down I had no choice if I wanted
to keep my feminine rhythm going.
Through all the good times and bad times with my second wife,
I was learning what it would take for me to express my femininity and it was
all me who drove us to our breaking point. More than once when I tried things
such as gender therapy to curb my desires to be a woman. The only time that
therapy helped me was when I was diagnosed with being a Bi-Polar depressive
person which said a lot to me. Mainly it explained why I was spending days at a
time not wanting to get out of bed and others when I thought I could conquer
the world and it had nothing to do with being transgender. After trying several
medications, I did not tolerate well, I found some that I could, and they keep
my moods stable to this day. I was able to work my depression issues into my
life and build them into the rhythm so I could live a good life.
Even with all the success I was having on my depression
medications, I still had to face the problems I had switching back and forth
between the two main binary genders. Most of the time on a daily basis. As I
would rush home from work, pull off my shirt and tie and be the woman I always
wanted to be until my wife came home. I was able to juggle my genders and make some
sort of a life with all of this until the untimely passing of my wife from a massive
heart attack at the age of fifty. Even though we never saw eye to eye on my
transfeminine desires, I still loved her deeply and our marriage made it to the
twenty-five-year mark.
Naturally, the whole tragic deal sent me into a tailspin,
and I had to figure out what to do about my all of a sudden very lonely life. Was
I going to go back to try to establish a male life with another ciswoman or get
rid of my male life altogether and start all over as a transgender woman.
By this time in my life, I did not want to try
another relationship with a ciswoman I would have to lie to, so the answer was
clear. Take all the time and effort I had put into building my new rhythm as a
trans woman and head for a new life. All the time and effort I put into
presenting as well as I could as a woman, as well as communicating well as one
too came back to help me. Confidence as well as an extreme amount of destiny opened
doors for me that I never thought possible would happen. As my third wife Liz
told me very few people ever have the opportunity to stop their lives, learn
from their mistakes, and start over again. Don’t screw it up.
I took the insight I received from my time as a man
observing how ciswomen live around them and tried to mold that into a new life.
Because I fell into the arms of loving women during my male to female
transition, I did not have to worry about such rhythms such as my sexuality
ever becoming an issue. I had always desired women sexually as a woman myself,
and nothing had to change. Add in my passion for history and sports and I hit
the trifecta of being exactly in the place I wanted to be. Through it all, I could
not believe it was all finally happening to me after all the years of sneaking
around and struggling with my gender.
Better yet, I had reached the point where if I looked like a
woman, walked like a woman and communicated as a woman, then I was a woman.
Even though I did not gain my status the same way most women do. Their gender rhythm
came naturally while I needed to work to find mine was the only difference.
Even though I was a slow learner when it came to learning to
finally live how I was always meant to live, I was a survivor which was all
that mattered and when I learned my feminine rhythm I never had to let it go.
As always, thanks so very much for reading along with my exploits
in exploring the transgender world. Any comments you might have are always
appreciated!
