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| Image from Edward Howell on UnSplash. |
For years as I followed my early cross-dressing path, I labored under the impression that someday I could actually stop and return to my male existence. Of course, the older I became I learned that stopping was going to be nearly impossible. The reason being, when I was forced out of the mirror and into the world, I began to have success.
To me, success was measured in the public reaction I received.
Very early on I suffered scorn when I went out without the knowledge to blend
in with other ciswomen. When I became successful, it took so much pressure off
and stopping became less and less an option. Mainly because something clicked
in my head that I did not want to ever go back which was different than wanting
to. For example, there was the night at TGIF Fridays when I went into the venue
with the mindset, I actually wanted to be a woman with other women, not some
sort of an impostor. When it happened, I knew for sure stopping was never going
to be an option again. I was firmly on the path to achieving my dream of
possibly living fulltime as a transgender woman.
The more I decided not to stop, the quicker the pressure
mounted on me on what to do with my old male life. He had dug in deep and was
refusing to go away easily. The worst part was he made good arguments such as
what was I going to do about my spouse, family and employment. Just as a start.
What did I do? I continued to internalize my inner woman and keep researching
my future. Since my gender workbook was blank, I had a long way to go.
Primarily when I needed to learn how to communicate one on one with other women
when I was exceedingly shy to start with. To arrive there, I went to excess of
taking feminine vocal lessons to attempt to learn to communicate better. As I
was slowly succeeding in my efforts, again I knew for sure I could never go
back.
Another main thing I learned was that I needed to control my
emotions, not let them control me. Or when I hit the valleys of my journey
(which there would be many), I had to pick myself up from being a failure and
continually go back to my gender drawing board to figure out what I was doing
wrong. I knew I had a testosterone poisoned body. I needed to work around but I
dedicated myself to somehow doing it. I discovered from all the trips I was
making to thrift stores; I could find the fashion I needed to make myself look
the best I could under the circumstances I was working with. It all added up in
my mind to I could never stop.
Along this way too, I quit purging for good. I had learned
my lesson about the previous purges I had attempted. The lesson was, I could
never go back to my old male self again. I was tired of throwing out all my hard-earned
clothes, shoes and makeup only to have to replace it all again as soon as a month
later.
What helped me was, I was learning over and over again how
wrong I was fighting my instincts to be a transfeminine person at all. I always
point out how wrong I was when I was fighting my true feminine self at all. I
suffered from the brutal pressure I put on myself. So, stopping my transgender
advance was never an option. I should never have waited as long as I did to go
after my gender dreams.
I was fortunate that my basic personality never lent itself
to stopping my search for my dreams. All my life, all I wanted to be was a
woman and I just could never visualize myself not working hard to achieve my
goal. I just never in a million years understood how difficult it would be for
me to do it. I should have listened to my wife when she tried to tell me I was
on the wrong path to achieving my goal. In a way, I did but not nearly enough
until I did not stop until I was allowed to exist behind the gender curtain.
Once I got there, stopping was never going to be an option again.
Then HRT and new feminine hormones shifted my mental
thinking to match my external appearance which was improving all along. I never
expected the changes to be so dramatic so quickly. I am glad stopping my male
to female feminine transition was never a reasonable option.
