 |
| AFTN Image. I am on the left and Dave Mallett is on the right taking a break, Circa 1972. |
I have mentioned many times that I started my working career as a radio DJ on local AM “Top40” stations all the way to entertaining the military on American Radio and Television stations in Thailand and Germany.
During that time, I developed a great attachment to various
forms of music including the blues which I suffered from at the time from
untreated Bi-Polar depression. Then I began to feel the music deeper than ever
before and it helped me to overcome the deep issues I had from my gender
dysphoria.
Ironically, out of the clear blue sky yesterday, I heard one
of those songs which had affected me so deeply. Actually, I saw “Rascal Flatts”
perform their remake of “Life is a Highway” by “Tom Cochrane” on a New Years
Eve show I was watching this year. When
I did, the memories from the late 1970’s/early 80’s came flooding back to me
when I heard these lyrics for the first time:
“Life
is a highway
I want to ride it all night long
If you're going my way
I want to drive it all night long”
I was in Columbus, Ohio finishing up yet another exciting evening
of partying with friends at a small diverse cross-dresser-transgender mixer I
was at. When I heard the song, it was one of those magic moments when I had the
lights of the Columbus skyline in my rearview mirror and nothing but open road
ahead to collect my thoughts about the evening. It seemed all my senses were at
their highest possible point as I savored the summer evening and for once did not
think of everything which would come up in the future when I crashed back into
my unwanted male life. All I knew was I wanted to drive the transgender highway
I was on all night long and never lose the feelings I was experiencing. With
lyrics such as this:
“Life's like a road that you travel on
Where there's one day here and the next day gone
Sometimes you bend, sometimes you stand
Sometimes you turn your back to the wind
There's a world outside every darkened door
Where blues won't haunt you anymore
Where the brave are free and lovers soar
Come ride with me to the distant shore”
I really wanted to ride to the distant shore
but was not certain how I was going to get there. So, I relied on music to dull
the gender pain I felt daily except when I was stepping out to feel what a feminine lifestyle would mean for me.
Yet another song which reflects so deeply
what I was feeling is the classic “Nights in White Satin” by the “Moody Blues”.
Again, here are a couple of brief excerpts from the song if you have never
heard it:
“Nights in white satin, never reaching the end
Letters I've written, never meaning to send
Beauty I've always missed, with these eyes before
Just what the truth is, I can't say anymore”
Most certainly, I was at the point where I
could not say what the truth was about my gender at that time. I was at my peak
of being non-committal about where I wanted to go in my life. Should I sell it all off
for what I could get as a man and start all over again as a transgender woman
was my dilemma. Was I missing the beauty with my eyes before. And here was the
hardest part, spelled out for me so well by the “Moody Blues”:
“Gazing at people some hand in hand
Just what I'm going through they can't understand
Some try to tell me thoughts they cannot defend
Just what you want to be you will be in the end”
That was the
hard part. Did I want to be a transfeminine person, pay the dues and achieve my
goals in the end. It turned out I did achieve my dream later in life when I
could not take living as a man any longer, so what I wanted to be, I was in the
end. And what about those people who tried to me their thoughts they cannot
defend? They were so difficult sometimes to overcome.
I am sure, with
the amount of music which has been produced over the years, you have music
which profoundly speaks to you and your gender issues too. Sometimes I feel. Since
we transgender women and trans men go through such profound changes in our
lives, we may feel the music deeper than our non-trans counterparts.
In the
meantime, we are stuck on Cochranes highway. Riding it all day as well as all
night long.
