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| JJ Hart. |
In this case, for better or for worse should not be totally applied to the state of a transgender person’s marriage. Although, it often is.
In this case, I am talking about what happens when we
attempt to break out of our dark, lonely gender closets and enter the world. I
write long and often concerning the struggles I had when I first tried to come
out of my mirror and appear in front of the public as my authentic feminine
self. By doing so, I quickly learned I was in over my head as a novice
transgender woman or even a cross-dresser. Even worse, I had my second wife
telling me I had no idea of what it was like to really be a woman. Even though
I was stubborn and did not totally believe her, I set out to discover what she
was trying to tell me. The worse part when I tried to find out more about
cisgender women was, I was not prepared to go behind the gender curtain to find
out what was going on. In reality, I was years away from having the experiences
of knowing what my wife was talking about.
At that time, I was still obsessed with how I made my male
to female transition appearance wise. All I need to do is go back through all
my old blog posts to see how vain I was about how I looked like a cross-dresser
and how it dominated my life. As I focused on every little aspect of my
appearance. At first, it was all great fun before I began to focus on a higher
goal. Something kept telling me I was going to have to do more than just look
like a woman to ever satisfy my gender dysphoria which would not leave me alone.
As I wiped the makeup off, I sadly knew my male life awaited me again. I so
badly wanted off the gender merry-go-round I was on then get on with my life.
It helped a little bit when I finally came to the conclusion,
I was more than a weekend cross-dresser and fit the definition of a transgender
woman perfectly. All of a sudden, my life had some sort of a meaning it had
been lacking. I began gaining access to cisgender woman spaces I had been
denied in the past and I was able to see what my wife was talking about. Or I
was paying my dues to achieving womanhood on my terms. The better of for worse
began to sneak in when I found all the negatives I would have to learn as a
transfeminine person. Primarily when my male privileges were taken away and I
lost all my personal security I had taken for granted my entire life. And the
easy access I had to just going to the rest room as a man. Going as a woman,
was such a different experience I could (and have) written complete blog posts
about my experiences.
The better part of all of this was, I did not have to put up
with the male drama that most ciswomen go through in their lives. I was a prime
example of a terrible male partner for my wives to live with. Time and time
again, I tried to not be selfish with my desire to be a woman and have it destroyed
our entire relationship. The worse of the better or worse was when I became
completely jealous that my wives could live as women and I could not. I just
could not help myself. Plus, when I came out fully and transitioned I did it in
the company of ciswomen who I was used to and did not ever have to adjust to
male drama again. I am now married to a ciswoman lesbian who I have been with happily
for over a decade now.
I was fortunate when my best transition plans worked out as
well as they did. I love it when a plan comes together and even though it was a
blind plan, somehow it still came together. It helped when my feminine inner
soul was able to take over and run my life. She had been waiting for years, not
so patiently wanting her turn to live. She provided the backbone and comfort I
needed to move forward in the latter stages of my male to female gender
transition.
What I considered a burden, and the worse part of my life,
turned into the best part of my life when I was able to experience my impossible
dream of living as a transgender woman.
