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| Image from Matteo Vistocco on UnSplash. |
Many times, during our lives as transgender women and transgender men, staying calm in the face of adversity is not easy.
Perhaps the worst time I had staying calm ever in my life
came fairly early on when I encountered a hostile, aggressive woman in a rest
room I was simply using to pee. It all happened by accident when I was looking
at the door of the women’s room at a venue where I normally had no problems, so
I could judge when the room would be empty and safer to use. I had judged
correctly, and the room was empty when I entered it and I had my choice of
stalls. As I finished the business I came for, I left the stall and started to
wash my hands when this woman burst through the door and started calling me a
pervert, My first reaction was shock because I had never had any problems before
from the staff when I used the woman’s room in that venue. Then, I became angry
that this woman who was a total stranger to me was calling me a pervert.
My mind was turning quickly as I fought to stay calm and say
something to the angry woman who was completely out of control and fortunately,
she gave me the insight to do it. Somehow, in our brief conversation, I got out
of her what she did for a living, and she said she owned her own beauty parlor.
When she did, I asked her for a card so I could report her business to the very
strong and influential LGBTQ organization in town during those days. I never
got her card as she turned around and stomped out of the restroom, and I only
saw her one more time walking past me in the venue. I glared at her as she
refused to even make eye contact with me. So, at that moment staying calm (no
matter how hard it was) worked for me.
It is my opinion that the ability to stay calm mainly comes
from having confidence in yourself. Normally from years of interaction with the
public as your authentic transfeminine self. Like anything else, confidence is
very fragile and can be destroyed at any time as you advance up your gender
path. You might think you have done the best makeup job ever and was able to
find a comfortable outfit which really flattered you, only to find out it did
not and you needed to go back home and try again to reset your confidence. There
would have been no way early in my life that I could have ever survived the bus
tour vacations that my wife Liz took me on where I needed to interact with many
different ciswomen on the trip and get along with them in all the restrooms we
encountered.
After I enhanced my feminine appearance and attitude with
the HRT or gender affirming hormones I was approved for, I discovered a new
calmness I had never known before in my life. Which probably came from the
hormones themselves, and the fact I was no longer battling being something I
just wasn’t. I had achieved all the male accolades and benefits I had ever
dreamed of but then did not want them. And I was surprisingly calm when they
all went away, never to return again.
Another big surprise was how calm I stayed when I was making
more gender transitions in my life into my own form of transgender womanhood. I
negotiated all the phases such as being terrified on occasion when I tried out
new venues, all the way to when I was making several unexpected transitions, I
did not see coming. Even though, I knew what was coming if I was able to survive
or even be successful when I went out for the first time at “Fridays” to mingle
with ciswomen just getting off of work at a nearby mall, I knew I could never
go back to believing I was some sort of a weekend cross-dresser who wore women’s
clothes as a hobby. It all was an extreme revelation to me, and I had a very
difficult time staying calm through my whole adventure.
On the other hand, staying calm was much more difficult when
it came to how fast I was being accepted in my desire to carve out my own transfeminine
life. The public was accepting me way too fast and challenged my life and
communication skills that I was always putting off. All my procrastination did
me no good as the world came crashing in around me and I needed to do things
such as feminine vocal lessons to catch up. Thankfully, the world gave me the chance
to catch up and again I return to the new calmness I was feeling. These were
the days when I was learning almost daily what I would need to do to survive as
a trans woman in a sometimes-hostile world. Obviously, I did not want to be
called a pervert again for simply wanting to pee. Perhaps I paid my dues,
because nothing remotely coming close to that ever happened to me again.
Perhaps also, I am not giving the impact of the HRT hormones
enough credit. Even with the minimum dosage I began with, I could feel substantial
changes in how I viewed the world. The hormones simply took my male edge off
and mellowed me right out like I had always been destined to take them.
Over the years, I have learned to try to separate the always
present anxiety I feel about everyday life from the new calmness I have developed
over the years. Which in turn has helped my fragile mental health. Which has
been quite an accomplishment. Hopefully wherever you live, the anti-transgender
pendulum has begun to swing back the other way for you. Even here in Republican
led backwards Ohio where I am from, the leading anti-trans bigot in the
legislature has his own problems after news surfaced of him being in bed with
an underaged girl. Sounds familiar. Right?
Maybe the future is not so dim after all since the world is
waking up to the fact that the transgender population is not the problem after
all and the rest of the population needs to stay calm around us.
