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| Image from Inis Piazzi on UnSplash. |
Unless you are blessed with an overabundance of feminine
qualities and characteristics, you very much start out from point zero with
your femininization project and it shows. I am an example as I thought I looked
good with my tight clothes and makeup which would have looked good on a clown
in drag in the circus. In all fairness, it took me awhile to catch up because my
gender workbook was blank and I had no one to help me fill it out. No overly
concerned mom to tell me what not to do with makeup and no peer group of girls
to coach me along. It was all me, and it showed. Except in the mirror which
kept on lying to me by telling me I was a pretty girl.
It wasn’t until I began going out into the world did, I find
out how wrong the mirror was. Numerous times, just after the mirror told me I
looked great, I was bounced by an unforgiving public back to the safety of my
closet. Through it all, some people were so cruel with their comments, they
sent me home in tears. It was during those dark days when I really had to
buckle up and decide what I was doing was right. Somehow, deep down inside, I
knew I was right and I needed to figure out what exactly I was doing wrong when
I cross -dressed and went out.
What happened was, I had the where with all to look around
at all the ciswomen around me and notice what they were doing. By doing so, I
noticed a few of the women were as big as I was, so size was not the issue which
was dooming me to being laughed at. It was how I moved and how I interacted
with the world which mattered. Plus, it helped that my makeup skills had begun
to dramatically improve. I quit feeling sorry for myself and started to fill out
my own gender workbook without being a victim. Because I was stuck with a testosterone
poisoned body and somehow, I needed to work my way around it.
I started by going on a diet which I lost fifty pounds on
and started to take better care of my skin after I shaved, so I used less
makeup and found less was actually more. At the same time, I began to haunt the
local thrift stores for just the right piece of clothing which I could buy
which flattered my new slimmer figure. I still had my male torso with the broad
shoulders, and I had to dress my way around them. I discovered new favorite outfits
with loose flowing tops combined with denim skirts that worked really well for
me.
Little did I know, all this progress I was making was placing
me on a one-way track towards an on-coming train. And that train was how I was
going to communicate with the world which suddenly accepted me? I was extremely
shy and had a difficult time communicating with the world anyhow and now I had
to add on a new totally foreign language to deal with, the language of ciswomen.
Initially, I was too petrified to say anything but then slowly gained the
confidence to shyly join in conversations. It was so new and difficult that I
needed to really buckle up to do it. I found if I did not, I would destroy
everything I sat out to do by appearing mean or worse yet, bitchy. The last
thing I wanted.
Once I buckled down and put my fear of communication behind
me, my world opened wide with new vistas of gender enjoyment. It turned out
that what I said was more important than how I said it and with that knowledge,
life became easier as a transgender woman in the world for the first time.
No matter where you are in your gender journey, look ahead
and not behind you. Sure, you can learn from the past, but it should not
dominate you and stop you from proceeding along your way. Keep in mind, you are
on a very difficult journey with major life risks at hand such as spouses,
family, friends and jobs. Also beware of the trap I fell into when my second
wife accepted me as a cross dresser but then completely rejected me as a
transgender woman. She was correct in thinking there were vast differences between
the two. Just putting on a dress and makeup just did not solve any of my gender
problems anymore. I increasingly wanted more of life in the feminine world and
was buckling up to get it by wanting to be approved for gender affirming hormones
or HRT. I was eventually approved for the dramatic changes the hormones made
but sadly my wife passed away before she could experience any of the changes
with me.
In my long life, it has been a rarity for me to experience firsthand
any trans woman or trans man who has had a smooth, uneventful journey. So, if you are just considering starting, or just
beginning your gender path, it is best to prepare for a bumpy ride, so buckle
up tight for the trip. Undoubtedly, it will provide you with setbacks and surprises
you never expected. Like I always say, the gender trip is like a rollercoaster
at a big amusement park, it is worth the price of admission if you let it be. As
I said, just be sure to buckle up for the ride of your life. It is one most
humans never get to take.
Think of it this way, make your buckle part of your fashion
accessory and everyone can admire it.
