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| Image from Brad Starkey on UnSplash |
In life it seems, the only constant is change. Especially for transgender women and transgender men. As with most of you, my life of change started quite early when I started exploring my mom’s foundation drawer. To make matters worse, I then started raiding her makeup collection.
As I viewed myself in the hallway full length mirror, little
did I know what a long trip I would embark on to battle my gender dysphoria. My
male self was strong and put up quite the battle when all along my feminine
self was plotting how she could win the war. All he could do was resort to
typical male actions and reactions such as internalization of the gender
problems all the way to completely running from them.
Change became reality when I started running from my
problems by changing jobs and moving my family several times. My first move
took my wife and I from our native southwestern Ohio home to the radically
different environment of the New York City metro area. I was naïve and thought
moving to a more liberal area of the country would provide me the opportunity
to pursue my growing serious cross dressing “hobby.” Nothing of the sort really
happened except a couple of times. The first of which was when I made the journey
out to Long Island to attend a cross dresser – transgender mixer. I was so
successful that I was carded at the door to prove I actually was a man.
The other example was a Halloween party I was invited to by
a fellow manager of the restaurant I managed. Somehow that night I managed to
escape the criticism of my second wife who wasn’t going with me anyhow and
dress the way I wanted to. I chose my favorite wig, short dress and heels and
slipped out of the house. Away from the unapproving prying eyes of our
landlord. The evening turned into my dream scenario when I found I was going
with several other tall and sexually dressed women as I was. The ultimate camouflage was
I fit right in. My successes fueled my ego and pushed along my changes. For the
first time in my life, I began to believe I could achieve my ultimate dream of
living as a transgender woman. If I was fooling the world on these evenings,
why couldn’t I do it more.
In the short term, my male ego hurt my ability to change. Being
briefly accepted as a woman only pushed me on for more change. Leading to huge
fights between my main feminine gatekeeper (my second wife) and myself. In
typical male fashion, he oversimplified the gender problems with the same old
results. It was time to run again and move from NYC back to a different part of
Ohio. This time, to a very rural area along the Ohio River. Surprisingly,
change came easily to me in this rural area of Ohio. I was able to cross dress
and do the grocery shopping as well as other trips.
Still, change haunted me and I felt the need to find a job
in Columbus, Ohio where I had been successful in the past in the
crossdresser-transgender community. I felt if I could go back there, I could again
fit right back in.
This move or change ultimately led me back to my hometown which
was close to Columbus. I had come full circle with my changes which led me to
finally face my gender reality. I was and had always been a woman at heart and
had made my own way down difficult paths to find her. Plus, I was so tired of
running all the time, so I did not have to accept the only constant being
change. The only constant was my whole life as a male was a lie, and I had to
do something about it.
I ended up taking advantage of all that I learned the years
I was a novice transgender woman and using the lessons to make my transition
more flawless. For once, I was changing in place as I threw my mirror out the
window. I started using the public as a mirror to see how well I was presenting
as a transfeminine person and went on to live my life.
For me, the final straw which ended my ill-fated male life
was when I changed my life for good and started HRT or gender affirming
hormones. I could not believe all the changes I went through and how good they
felt. I know all people go thru changes in their lives but not to the extent
most transgender persons do. It is certainly a difficult journey and not
recommended that you take the path I took.
