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| Image from Lola Rose on UnSplash. |
As I journeyed for years along my decades old gender path, I discovered I could see life much more clearly.
Going back and forth across the gender border from male to
female allowed me to see what goes on in the lives of both binary genders. Something
that is very rarely accomplished by very many human beings who are stuck in
their restrictive gender boxes from birth. But, what about the rest of us who
for some reason, got put into the wrong box and were forced to live a life we
never wanted until we went out on our own to change it. That is where we start
to see the changes in our gender set in. Or maybe something was wrong when we were
put into neat little boxes at birth.
In a classic what goes around, comes around, we go around
searching for our authentic selves as transgender women or transgender men
until if we are lucky, it comes around back to discovering our true selves
later in life. How we can come to that conclusion is as different as human
beings can possibly be. Some of us take shorter routes than others. If I use myself
as an example, I took decades to come to my gender truth that I was hiding from
me the whole time. If I had the courage to face my truth earlier, my life would
have been so much different. I am sure it would not have been a completely
positive experience, but at least, I would have been working towards living a
transfeminine life much earlier than I did as a serious cross-dresser.
I was the classic person who does not see the forest for the
trees. Since all my trees had a big transgender marked in every one of them and
I thought it could not be for me. Even though I was going as far as
cross-dressing three out of the seven days of the week if I could get away with
it.
At the least, during those three days of the week, I was learning
to present better in the world the way I always wanted to. As I did it, slowly
I was seeing what I needed to know if I had what it takes to cross the gender
border for good and would the grass be even greener when I did it. Plus, as I
always mention, I had an increasingly successful male life and family to deal
with. At the least, my second wife knew about and reluctantly approved of my
cross-dressing but always drew the line if I was thinking about going ahead
with the next step for me. Which would have been HRT-gender affirming hormones.
She always said she did not sign up to live with another woman, and I never had
the courage to tell her she already did. In the meantime, I clashed with my two
main ciswoman role models, my mom and my second wife. I admired them for being
strong women until it came to the times, they did not accept me.
The problem was I was seeing clearly the trans person I was becoming
and every positive step I took led me to believe I never wanted to go back to the
male life I never asked for. Most importantly, I was building the confidence to
do it and ignore the gatekeepers like my wife and mom. I felt deep down, if I
kept knocking on the gatekeeper’s door, someone would let me in, and I could
experience for myself what went on behind the gender curtain.
When I finally made it behind the curtain, I found the
feminine reality I was always looking for. Far past the shiny fashion, hair and
makeup intangibles all the way into the complex lives that ciswomen lead. By
that time, I had paid plenty of dues to get there and just figured my
socialization as a woman was part of life I should cherish. If anyone wanted to
get in my way, shame on them because by that time I could see clearly who I
really was in my unique form of womanhood. Other women saw me too when I was asked
to pose for a book about different women for a judging in Chicago years ago. It
was to be my only experience as a photographer’s model, and I was nervous, but
I enjoyed the attention immensely.
The rest of my life was not as exciting as posing for a
photographer, but in other ways, as satisfying also. I was enjoying building
new acquaintances with my wife Liz as we went to writers and crafters meetup
groups to intermix with total strangers. The whole experience helped to get me
out of my shell and lift the fog away from whom I was destined to be in life. Most
importantly, I was happy doing it. Something I was never allowed to do when I
was growing up when doing good was not good enough, there always had to be
something better. I never imagined how much that carried over into my adult
life until I began to come out of my gender shell. Even still, I had to work my
way out of the idea that there always was a better dress or wig I could buy
which would magically transform me into an attractive passable woman. It was all good until I looked in the mirror or
went out into the world attempting to be myself. Some nights being myself was within
reach and some nights it just was not and I needed to go back home disappointed.
I went back to my gender drawing board continually until I
slowly got it right and began to present myself in the way as the trans woman,
I wanted to be. I took advantage of all
the time that I wanted to see the best woman I could become on my own terms. It
was the best I could do. I was done with all the denial I had put myself
through which should be the topic of another blog post.
Speaking of another post, I always invite you to join me
again and read along. Thank you!
Comments are always welcomed.
