Sunday, May 19, 2024

Dsyphoria is Never Pretty

Image from Jen Theodore on UnSplash.

It was years before I knew what gender dysphoria was all about and what it meant to me.

Essentially what it meant was understanding the depth of how far I wanted to go towards my feminization. I started out innocently I thought, similar to most of you, with explorations into Mom's wardrobe. and makeup. I wonder if she even noticed the fascination I had watching her put on her makeup. 

All along, I wondered what was going on with me and was I the only one who felt the same as I did. On those days, my gender dysphoria ran deep even though I still had no idea of what my future held. I looked in the mirror and saw a male even though on some days I felt decidedly I wanted to be a girl. In fact, if you had asked me then what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would have said a successful woman. Sadly, there were almost no successful transgender women to model myself after, so I internalized my feelings and carved out a very tentative life as a male. In fact painful internalizing became a theme in my life and led to further gender dysphoria.

All of a sudden, as my life progressed and more gender information became available, my dysphoria became more in focus. I could see what the problem still was but I still wasn't in any position to do anything about it except cross dress my life away. I knew deep down, I did not want to harm anyone, especially myself. However, when I still saw my male self in the mirror in the morning, harm still came. The more I attempted to cross dress my dysphoria away, the quicker and stronger it seemed to return just wrecking my mental health.

The only thing which kept me on any sort of a feminine path was when I expressed my female side to myself, I felt so natural. I felt from that reason alone, I was doing the right thing which in turn positioned me in direct opposition with my male self and increased my dysphoria to the max. Because my male self was fighting back with all the tools he had. In those days, he held all the cards, making life miserable for me which sadly I passed along to those people closest to me. I did everything I could to relieve the stress and live a pleasurable life. 

As fashion and makeup became easier for me as far as going out and entering the world as a novice transgender woman but more difficult when I needed to re-enter the world as a guy. My job did not make it any easier because I was in a very male dominated profession. I would do quite a bit of day dreaming of my other life while I was working in my reality. I even was quietly embarrassed when someone would mistakenly refer to me as a woman when I was working as a man. I figured my "aura" was overpowering female on those days and tried to project female more when I was out in the world as a transgender woman. I believe projecting my gender became an important accessory to be added to present successfully. Which I still do.

Still my dysphoria persisted and does to this day. Some days I wake up and sneak a peek in the mirror and see a feminine person which makes me happy. Other days, I see the same old male person I had ever been and become depressed. From there I have learned to take the middle road, or nothing is as good or bad as it seems including my dysphoria. 

At my advanced age, I seriously doubt I will ever be finished with my transgender dysphoria. Since I have an aversion to any extreme facial femininization surgeries, there will be no radical moves to change what I have to face the world. Dysphoria be damned, I will do the best I can.

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