Jumping Trans Barriers

Image from Shalomi Platzman 
on UnSplash 

 First of all, I never have participated in any sort of track and field events at all. So jumping anything, especially at my age is impossible. In my life, however, I have faced many invisible barriers when it came to being a transgender woman. 

The first barriers were self imposed as were many later in life. The main self imposed barrier I faced was my struggle to free myself from my mirrors who were the only way for me to reinforce my femininity. Sadly, the mirrors had a way of lying to me. No matter how I really looked, the mirror told me I was attractive. When I started to explore the world as my true gender self, I was greeted with many rude awakenings on my true appearance. Trashy, even clownish came to mind when I went out in the world. Fortunately, the negative feedback I received helped me to resolve to do better with my appearance. Slowly but surely I was able to build a small wardrobe of feminine clothes which helped to flatter what I possessed in the body department and led me to jump the barrier of being able to present properly. 

Along the way too, I developed more ways to see if I could truly overcome the barriers I was facing. One of the biggest ways I found was to go to Halloween parties in a "costume" as a woman. By doing this, I achieved a level of understanding of how I presented. Over several years of trying, I was able to make it to a level of being passable as a "professional" woman just getting off of work and attending the party. From there I was able to build a fragile confidence I could survive in the real world if I ever could pursue my dream of living fulltime as a transgender woman. Then, my fragile confidence would help me to jump more of my barriers. 

Also, there were the barriers which were all fake. I found out many existed only in my mind and I was making my own life so much more difficult. I likened it to running an obstacle course in the Army when you had to make split second decisions on real or fake targets. False obstacles included me judging the acceptance or non acceptance from strangers. Those were the times I thought I had acceptance only to have a passive aggressive person stab me in the back. It was all the more difficult because I wanted so badly to be accepted in the world as a  woman when in reality all I should have been looking for was to be accepted as me. Again confidence and a new circle of women friends helped me to get over this major barrier. 

Another point I needed to consider was my choice to pursue hormone replacement therapy or HRT. In many ways, my choice was the point of no return on my journey. Once I sought out a doctor to administer the new medications (and was accepted) the changes began nearly immediately and helped me to conquer more completely the external appearance barrier. As I changed, I learned also how much the hormones would effect my overall being for the better. 

Now, at my age, I am tired of jumping  trans barriers but now have to face the number of new anti-transgender laws in the legislature. In fact, Ohio where I live is trying currently to pass a restrictive rest room bill in the state. All in all, I have resolved myself to doing the best I can and trying to always be sure I am voting for politicians who support me.  It's the least I can do.

I Was Ready to Face the World

Anniversary Photo from the 
Jessie Hart Collection 

It took me many, many years to finally realize I could do nothing else to prepare myself for living in the world as a full time transgender woman.

I began in essence, with a series of tests and/or challenges. Once I conquered (in my mind) the world of just going out at night when no one else was around and walking or driving around as a woman, I decided to try my feminine hand at actually shopping for my new clothes as a woman. I felt quickly accepted in this stage of my life because I didn't realize immediately store clerks mainly were interested in my money and didn't really care who or what I was. Plus, a few clerks even had enough expertise to recommend wardrobe items which were flattering to my body shape. Up to that time, I did not have the knowledge to give myself the best possible chance to present well in my new gender. 

With my new found knowledge and confidence I could make it, I expanded my small universe to the next level. The next level to me was stopping at upscale restaurants for lunch and a drink when I went out shopping. By trying this, I was able to increase my one on one time with the public. Again, I learned fairly quickly I could adjust to life, feel natural doing it and have the desire to try more and more new situations as a woman. I was fueled again by the basic confidence I could do it. In fact, confidence became my best and most important accessory. Much more important than the latest designer handbag I purchased. The only setbacks I encountered were in my communication skills. Very early on, I tried to mimic the cis-woman's voice I was talking to and go from there. I still have vocal problems for a number of reasons but was helped by going to feminine vocal therapy courses the Veteran's Administration began to offer. I still refer to my old homework to this day to do my best to find and project my feminine voice.

Once I had made it to this step, I started to challenge where I was going as a transgender woman and seeing if I could establish myself. Sometimes it worked and on other occasions, I failed miserably when I tried to force myself into venues where I was unwanted. These were the occasions when I even had the police called on me for trying to use the rest room. I learned, survived and somehow still retained the courage to move forward and explore the world. 

Through it all, I attempted to keep moving forward. After all I was learning if I could indeed attempt one of the most difficult tasks a human can do by crossing the gender frontier. I did not want to try it without exploring all my options because so much was at stake. If I was a poker player, I had to decide if I was going to throw all my life chips into the middle of the table and go for the win. 

It was around this time when I began to find good women friends who helped me with my decision. Learning feminine skills which came naturally to them became my biggest goal. Finally I went to their finishing school, graduated and was able to face the world as a full time transgender woman and most importantly never look back to my stressful unwanted male life.  

Tomorrow Is Dental Day

All Smiles from the Jessie 
Hart Collection

Tomorrow is one of the days I have to go in for a dental cleaning appointment. For better or for worse, I have been going to the same dental office for several years now. When I filled out all the information I needed to provide for the dental profile, I was impressed with the amount of the gender information they required ,meaning they even had a category for transgender women and how you preferred to be addressed.  Of course, all of that is well and good but seeing it in action is another.  

The good part is from day one nearly everyone in the office has been gender affirming to me. In fact I was surprised when immediately everyone used the "she" pro-nouns with me. Since my teeth were not in the best condition, I appreciated any positive feelings I could get. Following losing my upper teeth and getting fitted for upper dentures, I resolved to take the best care that I could to my bottom teeth. Twice a day, without fail, I brush with a powered tooth brush, rinse and floss.  So, if I don't have a good appointment tomorrow, I will be disappointed. 

By this time, you are probably thinking what does any of this have to do with being transgender.  Quite a bit actually. Back in the day before I took the expensive and drastic step to have my missing and jagged upper teeth replaced, I was afraid to smile. In the process, I came off as unfriendly or worse yet a bi-ch. It turned out by not being able to smile, people came out thinking the worse of me. I needed to have new teeth to improve my appearance and personality. Plus, it turned out timing was everything because shortly after I improved my smile, my new glasses came from the Veteran's Administration. I was able to upgrade my appearance quickly. 

The only problem I have with my dental day tomorrow is how much I will have to pay. I have a basic dental insurance I buy myself which covers part of my visit. So, depending upon what the insurance covers I have to pay the rest. Even though I have been putting money back for the visit, I am on Social Security. I have written recently how much anxiety I have over the possible federal government default which is coming quickly. For those of you who don't know my checks which I paid into during my entire working life could be postponed. However, instead of re-scheduling my appointment,  I decided to go ahead and possibly spend money I don't really have. 

The nice part about going tomorrow is the money should be the worst part. Maybe it is the future of dentistry as it stands now.  

Coffee Shop Nights

Image from Jon Tyson
on UnSplash

 I am a big fan of mentioning how I managed to go through several layers of gender transition once I seriously decided to leave my male life behind.

Once I decided I was comfortable in my own skin as a transgender woman, I needed to branch out and see if I could establish myself in other circles as a feminine person. I was fortunate in that I had Liz to partially lead the way. What happened was, we joined certain groups through a Cincinnati social app which matched like minded individuals. One that really stands out was a group interested in others with creative pursuits. The people included everyone from Poets and writers, all the way to crafters. Even though I had never knitted a day in my life, I accompanied Liz (who does) to knitting groups. I made up for my ignorance by enjoying a good cup of coffee in the shop where we met. 

There were other coffee shops where we met to as the creative group. One in particular was a wonderful old shop which fit our ideas completely. The company was good and the ideas flowed. Most of all, I appreciated I was treated as a person, transgender or not. The entire process was a real step forward in my coming out process. First I had successfully released myself from my closet, started hormone replacement therapy and started a new life. And, secondly now I had the chance to successfully live it with others who up to that time were strangers. The coffee shop nights were exciting and fun in the new world which was opening to me. If you are just emerging from your closet and live in a larger populated area, seeking out group apps with people of similar interests to yours can sometimes be a real aide in your gender transition. 

Sadly, not all the groups we sought out as a couple (Liz and I) were so accepting. One in particular is vivid in my mind to this day. The group was a lesbian social group. Since Liz identifies as a lesbian, she always was a part of the group and tried to bring me in also. I tried and was roundly rejected. I was surprised in that in the past I had lesbian friends and were basically always accepted in their circles. But on this occasion I wasn't and Liz left the group. 

Back on the positive side of the ledger, Liz was also Wiccan and wanted to involve me in her circle of friends also. I was accepted into her circle with no questions asked and new social interactions were established. Again it is important to note how valuable all of these functions helped me to develop my new woman into a more well rounded person. I had managed to come a long way from my singular days in the mirror. 

Socializing with new people over a good cup of coffee helped me to come out of my shell and interact with the world again. Living an existence I never thought possible. 

 

 

Why Now? A Transgender Dilemma

Image from Karla Herandez on 
UnSplash

Every once in a while I see a transgender sister in my age bracket being hassled for starting to transition later in life. 

Since I didn't begin a very serious gender transition until I was in my early sixties, I feel their pain when someone mentions they aren't trans enough. For some reason, the person applying the pressure to be transgender enough doesn't realize why the transitioning person felt the need to wait before seriously going down their gender path. There are many reasons. Primarily, life gets in the way. Examples are many and simple such as families which come along as well as friends and employment. 

I was guilty of considering all of those as I put off finally transitioning. Plus, it was true on occasion, I did enjoy the benefits of attaining a certain level of success in my largely unwanted male world. By male standards I was bringing home a better than average income while I became fairly proficient at managing larger groups of people in stressful situations. I was able to use my spendable income to treat myself and my second wife to dining out as well as attending large select sporting events we both liked. Even though I was treading water as a male, nearly always something was always missing. I wondered how everything I did would feel if I did it as a woman. 

Another point I need to make in why I waited so long to finally complete my gender transition was along the way, I was experimenting with how I was doing as a woman. I attempt to explain away the years I was trying to see if I could make it as a transgender woman as the years I was a very serious cross dresser or transvestite. During my fifty year journey to my gender truth, I could say also the world caught up with me. When I started and for years after, there was no internet or social media to connect others to me with similar gender pursuits. From there I learned nearly anything could be possible if I worked hard enough to do it. I just had to figure it out.

Perhaps along the way, I was a slow learner as I refused to look my truths in the face and see feminine. Gender dysphoria was a huge problem too. Some days I did see feminine when I looked in the mirror and some days male. Which in many ways continues to this day. I was furthered confused by the public I dealt with in those days who referred to me in the feminine sense when they weren't even thinking. What was I to make of that? What I did make of that was they were seeing past my male exterior into who I truly was. 

The simplest answer to all the doubters of my "trans-ness" is get over yourself. Without a doubt I have been a transgender woman my entire life. My dilemma was trying to learn how to express it. 

   

New Wardrobe Items

 Since the weather is cooperating and the summer season seems to be upon us, I finally decided it was now or never when it came to ordering me some new summer fashion items. 

Of course after ordering from one site which specializes in bright colored "hippie style" clothing, I was flooded with offers from similar vendors.  The problem being I am not really sold on ordering clothing on line. My wife Liz does it all the time and is a big fan so I decided to give it a try. 

My biggest paranoia came from deciding what size to purchase from which site. Fortunately the sites I ordered from had in depth sizing charts and I was able to read reviews on how true the sizes ran. Most everybody wrote in good reviews on the sizing. 

Another problem I had before purchasing was deciding if I wanted to use any of my money during these times to do it at all. You see, I am on a fixed income with Social Security and with the government default problems coming up quickly, they are talking about SS payments being suspended until the spending problem is supposedly solved. I threw caution to the wind and decided to order the items plus one more which I will not show here. 

Unlike many other Social Security recipients, I am lucky to have Liz's regular income as a back up, so until and even if the government gets their act together I should be all right.  

In the meantime, I can replace several long overdue items in my summer wardrobe before the weather totally turns to it's normal hot and humid Ohio summer.

Changing my wardrobe for the seasons has always been one of my favorite pursuits when I entered the feminine world full time. No more old drab boring male fashions for me. Now also, I can go back to my formative years as a frustrated hippie when I was in the Army. With my long flowing hair I was never allowed to have, I can come as close as I can to reliving that time in my life. It is also a plus some of the fashions are returning in popularity. 

I just hope everything fits correctly when it arrives.

Climbing the Transgender Mountain

 

Photo from the 
Jessie Hart Collection

As time has gone by, I have began to think of my transgender journey as being some sort of a mountain climb.

Problems occurred along the way as I became greedy. I found the more I accomplished along my path, the more I wanted.  Many times I was guilty of trying to push the envelope too far and suffered negative responses from the public when I did. Those were the days of not knowing who I was cross dressing for and not having the skill to attempt to blend in with my feminine appearance. I was trying to dress sexy for the men in the world and failing miserably.  Climbing the mountain in those days was very painful and slow. However, destiny was playing a part in my climb because mixed in with the failures were just enough successes to encourage me to keep moving towards my impossible dream of living a life fulltime as a trans woman. I equate it to reaching a certain summit then looking around and deciding you can never go back.

Those were the days when I finally decided I was so much more than a casual cross dresser and when I was successful in my public presentation as a woman, I felt so natural. The best example I can remember is the night I went out on my own to get a drink at an upscale pub/tavern as a woman...not as someone pretending to be one. A huge difference to me at the time. The whole evening worked out so well for me, somehow I just knew I could never go back to my male lifestyle as I knew it at the time. The entire process was terrifying and exciting at the same time. After all the years of trying, I had reached a lower peak of my climb. A place where I could see clearly where I had come from and could see vaguely where I might have the chance to go. If I continued to climb upward.

Even though I am extremely fearful of heights I did continue my upward climb. Fighting me along the way was my increasing fear of totally giving up the male life I so desperately fought to keep over the years. I was just getting to the "Sir" stage of my life when privileges came from just surviving as long as I did as a white male. Even so, my feminine soul was calling me to move ever upward to my dream. 

As I often mention, my second wife of twenty five years was dead set against living with another woman. Especially if the other woman was me. When she unexpectedly passed away at the age of fifty, the  door was open for me to climb another peak in my gender transition and begin hormone replacement therapy or HRT. At that point, I couldn't or wouldn't turn back as miraculous changes began to go through my male body. In no time at all, I made the jump from macho male to androgynous person to looking feminine with softer skin, breasts and hair. I can equate the entire process to climbing my own personal Mt. Everest. 

Once I did scale my tallest gender mountain, I found the view to be breathtaking and at that point I was happy I made the climb. More importantly, I never wanted to go back.   

 

Pretending Who you Intend to Be

Image from Sigrid Wu
on UnSplash

 Growing up in my early cross dressing years I often thought I was just pretending to be a girl. As the years passed by of course, I discovered I was doing much more than pretending. 

My first indication of having a more serious attraction to dressing in feminine clothes was when after I ended my girlish relationship with the mirror, I couldn't wait to get back. The "buzz" I felt from experiencing looking at my cross dressed reflection just didn't last more than a couple days. Plus the desire to get out of the house and my little closet was strong. Looking back now, it is easy to see I was more a transgender woman than a cross dresser. By that time, my pretending stopped and I needed to find different forms of expression. Sadly, the other forms were nearly impossible to come by.

The closest I came were the couple of times when I made an attempt to come out to close friends. For the most part both times were disasters and I scurried back into my closet determined to try to live a male life. Only one was successful when another close friend of mine seemed to share the same fondness for dressing in feminine clothes which was even supported by his Mother. It was a new and wonderful experience to think I wasn't all alone in the world pretending to be a girl. However, just when we were having fun dressing up, he and his family moved several states away and we lost contact with each other. It was another "would have, should have" moments in my life when I think back on what have could have been had he not had to move.

From then on, my gender closet became dark and lonely again. Especially when I began to have a more complete understanding of what was going on with my gender dysphoria. The more I learned, the more it seemed I was not pretending at all to be feminine. Deep down inside I was and the entire process was causing me deep turmoil. It wasn't until I was able to read more and understand what a transgender woman was did I realize the terminology fit me and I intended to discover more. During this time of my life, I was able to meet transgender and/or transsexual role models in person and judge if I was one of them.  Very quickly I discovered I was similar and I began to consider exactly what it meant. First of all, if I was indeed transgender, I needed to figure out if I indeed could live a new life. Pretending was all over and every move seemed to be more serious.

Selling out my male self essentially meant I was only going to get pennies on the dollar for my male privileges' I had worked so hard to earn. Not to mention what was I going to do about my relationship with my wife as well as a fairly successful job. Transitioning back in those days was unheard of for the most part. Plus, moving away and starting all over again was the prescribed path to take when you were completing a gender transition.  Regardless of all of those factors, I knew what I needed to do and it was to live my dream of being a full time transgender woman.    

Once I completely quit pretending I still wanted to be a male, life became easier and worth living. I just had it all backwards for years. 

Gender Patterns

Photo from the
Jessie Hart Archives

It is no secret both binary genders have patterns, ingrained in us from childhood. From very early in life, we are forced into either square or round holes. Depending upon our perceived exterior gender we are pronounced a boy or a girl and are expected to adjust and live as such.

The problem becomes when a child does not fit into one of the two prescribed holes. What happens then? Sadly in the vast majority of cases, the child is forced into either psychiatric care or worse yet, ignored. At that point most of us novice transgender youth are doomed to follow our own path to acceptance. Plus, as most of us know who have been in therapy, finding a good therapist is often difficult to do. 

The entire process usually dooms the transgender individual to going it alone in life and dealing with their gender issues. Another problem which soon makes itself known is learning the gender pattern you want to become a part of. In our case as trans women, we are excluded from the peer process and parental guidance young girls have when they are growing up. There is no one to tell you your makeup looks clownish or your skirt is too short when you are trying to go out in public. Our trial and error in the public's eye is often brutal and serves to drive us back into our dark lonely gender closets before we can reach a point of acceptance. Once we learn how to blend and exist in public, there is no feeling like it.

What happens next, at least in my case, was once I was able to dress and blend in with society, I had to then learn the finer points of gender patterns. Two of the more surprising patterns to me involved the facts that cis-women were not always the gentler gender. I learned the hard way to not turn my back on all women too soon. It took awhile but the claw marks on my back finally started to heal. I learned the hard way how to deal head on with the passive aggressive stance of some women. They wouldn't question to my face about why I was in their world but sure would attack me behind my back. The other gender pattern I was a little surprised about was the fallacy that all cis women were the cleaner gender. Primarily in the bathroom. The whole bathroom issue wasn't a total surprise because of my experience as a restaurant/bar manager.  Even still, I needed to learn the hard way to look closely before I sat down to use the toilet in a women's restroom. And, never put your purse on the floor. If you get my meaning.

From my many responses I receive to the blog, I am able to read many different comments concerning reactions to gender patterns. The comments range from very sad to amazingly euphoric. Often the euphoric ones mention the "blooming" of their feminine self. Often the acceptance of other women helped in the process. 

To all of you searching to leave your dark closets, remember to learn all the gender patterns you can to put your best foot forward and maybe, just maybe you will see the light of day as your feminine self.