Pretending Who you Intend to Be

Image from Sigrid Wu
on UnSplash

 Growing up in my early cross dressing years I often thought I was just pretending to be a girl. As the years passed by of course, I discovered I was doing much more than pretending. 

My first indication of having a more serious attraction to dressing in feminine clothes was when after I ended my girlish relationship with the mirror, I couldn't wait to get back. The "buzz" I felt from experiencing looking at my cross dressed reflection just didn't last more than a couple days. Plus the desire to get out of the house and my little closet was strong. Looking back now, it is easy to see I was more a transgender woman than a cross dresser. By that time, my pretending stopped and I needed to find different forms of expression. Sadly, the other forms were nearly impossible to come by.

The closest I came were the couple of times when I made an attempt to come out to close friends. For the most part both times were disasters and I scurried back into my closet determined to try to live a male life. Only one was successful when another close friend of mine seemed to share the same fondness for dressing in feminine clothes which was even supported by his Mother. It was a new and wonderful experience to think I wasn't all alone in the world pretending to be a girl. However, just when we were having fun dressing up, he and his family moved several states away and we lost contact with each other. It was another "would have, should have" moments in my life when I think back on what have could have been had he not had to move.

From then on, my gender closet became dark and lonely again. Especially when I began to have a more complete understanding of what was going on with my gender dysphoria. The more I learned, the more it seemed I was not pretending at all to be feminine. Deep down inside I was and the entire process was causing me deep turmoil. It wasn't until I was able to read more and understand what a transgender woman was did I realize the terminology fit me and I intended to discover more. During this time of my life, I was able to meet transgender and/or transsexual role models in person and judge if I was one of them.  Very quickly I discovered I was similar and I began to consider exactly what it meant. First of all, if I was indeed transgender, I needed to figure out if I indeed could live a new life. Pretending was all over and every move seemed to be more serious.

Selling out my male self essentially meant I was only going to get pennies on the dollar for my male privileges' I had worked so hard to earn. Not to mention what was I going to do about my relationship with my wife as well as a fairly successful job. Transitioning back in those days was unheard of for the most part. Plus, moving away and starting all over again was the prescribed path to take when you were completing a gender transition.  Regardless of all of those factors, I knew what I needed to do and it was to live my dream of being a full time transgender woman.    

Once I completely quit pretending I still wanted to be a male, life became easier and worth living. I just had it all backwards for years.