Doing the Right Thing

One side of myself through all my cross dressing closeted years wanted desperately to believe I was made of the "right stuff" for continuing to fight all the evil urges I had to be a girl. In fact though, all I was doing was tearing myself up. Would not wish it on my worst enemy.

On the other hand (as I mentioned a couple of posts ago) there were the occasional shows on television which had a male actor cross dressed as a woman. I remember distinctly hoping no one else would start complaining to change the channel and me trying to act like I didn't care.

Of course, many of us transgender women feel the same way and were raised close to a similar way.

Take Connie for example, discussing "Geraldine" on the "Flip Wilson Show."

FABULOUSCONNIEDEESeptember 20, 2018 at 12:58 PM

"Those were my college days, when the Flip Wilson Show was on TV. I had gone into my "Great Suppression" in 1968, after a fairly regular closeted cross dressing life of six years. I was very aware of the term, transvestite, and sexual deviant, too. As was my sneaky way in those days, I took Psychology courses as a way to safely research my "condition" (which, of course, I had overcome with pure will power...push down the urge and live with the purge). Wilson's character, Geraldine, was of interest to me academically, and I was very attuned to what others were saying about the characterization.

I had one of the only TVs in my college dorm, so there were usually a few guys in my room watching the show with me. I studied their reactions and made mental notes of their communication - both verbal and nonverbal. My conclusion was that I was doing the right thing in suppressing my gender identity, as I would have surely suffered total humiliation had my secret been revealed. I did consider a ploy, whereby I would suggest that I cross dress for a skit for the all-dorms talent show. That may have been putting myself on a slippery slope, I thought, but the real reason I couldn't do it was that being a clown was not the way I felt about myself.

I remember that the skit we did do was a mock Tonight Show, and that I played a Frank Sinatra-type character, singing "My Way." What would have happened had I come out as Doris Day, singing "Que Sera, Sera"? Many years later, "whatever will be" finally turned out to be my way!

BTW, I rewrote the lyrics to "Que Sera, Sera" for a show I used to do called "Passing Fancy with The Fabulous Connie Dee." It goes like this:

When I was just a little boy,
I asked my mother, What will I be?
Will I be pretty, or just some bitch?
Here's what she said to me:

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be,
Whether you're "He" or "She",
Que Sera, Sera.

This is, of course, pure fantasy. My mother would never have said that!"

Pitch Perfect

Recently, I received a comment from Bobby ross, in Cyrsti's Condo concerning a vocal training course:

Bobby rossSeptember 19, 2018 at 2:17 PM

"Thank you very much, you have an engaging blog … keep it up Cyrsti

BTW, I have been trying to feminize my voice. I did a research and discovered that it is possible to feminize your voice without another excruciating surgery. I searched around and found this tutorial: http://bit.ly/2PKkjjd (Sorry I don’t know if I am allowed to post links or not). It is a set of easy to follow at home exercises. It looks interesting and the testimonies are inspiring. I like to know your opinion, do you think it is useful? (I did study some research papers and their claim seems legit)"

Thanks Bobby for the kind words! As far as the link goes, I checked it out and realized I had seen it before. First of all, I think you can get out of anything you want with the proper amount of effort. For those of you who don't know the course Bobby is referring to lasts about one month and costs one hundred twenty seven dollars. I'm sure if you take the course and put the proper amount of work in, it could be very effective. 

I think the most important part of vocal training is to have someone in the field make a determination on your natural voice pitch. Once you have it, you can work to make it more feminine by the way you communicate. Basically, women start and end their sentences on a smooth tone...men have the tendency to be choppy and to the point.  The easiest way for me to describe it is to add a "sing-song" rhythm to your speaking. It has been very difficult for me because of all the years of male training I have had to NOT sound that way.

However, I am the first to say I'm far from an expert. 

 Now, I better get into my voice homework!

Geraldine

A recent conversation I had with Connie jogged my slow memory about Flip Wilson and his character "Geraldine" .

I do distinctly remember liking to watch the show just to  sneak a peak at what "Geraldine" was up to. This was way back before even the term transvestite had entered my vocabulary, let alone transgender, His show aired from 1970 through 1974. My closet in those days was built with heavy concrete blocks!

If you remember Geraldine, she was fond of saying "The devil made me do it."

I wondered to myself if the devil was making me wear girls clothes and thought well, the devil was showing me a good time!

Brutal

I need to make the drive to Dayton for one of my support group meetings. The trip up to Dayton takes about an hour and a half, one way...in easy traffic. When I go to my monthly veterans LGBTQ support group meeting, it doesn't let out until four o'clock which means in rush hour traffic, I won't get home for two hours minimum. I'm going to have to tell my therapist I can't make it anymore unless something changes.

In the meantime, the group was very small yesterday. Only another transgender woman and a gay man  The gay guy told a very sad story of being HIV positive in the gay community. And the total rejection he felt.

So, not much else to report from the meeting as none of the fun people attended! My problem is, I can't enjoy the meeting because I am worried about the drive back.

A Tweet in the Night

My phone is set to loudly announce a text message or tweet whenever I happen to receive one. Every now and then, I set my phone on the end stand beside the bed when I sleep. Rarely, does anything happen until last night.

About three or so in the wee hours of the morning, I got a tweet. Mind you now, I don't do much on Twitter, so I rolled back over and went back to sleep. I did check it when I got rolling in the morning and it simply said "I want to be a woman." First I thought well duh, who doesn't?

Then, I got to think how hard it is for a transgender person to come to grips concerning their inner gender. And, after that, how difficult the journey is to sync up your inner and outer persons.

I wondered if the person who sent me the text was serious enough to face all the challenges of crossing the gender frontier.

Or was the message just a lost soul in the night, who I will never know.

I don't sugar coat much of anything, so it's hard for me to paint a rosy picture for any questioning transgender person. The easy answer of hitch up those big girl panties and proceed to go at it alone, because many times there simply is no one to help you.

However, I do have a big shoulder to cry on.

Seattle

Our Cyrsti's Condo post concerning places to live when you are transgender, elicited several responses about the City of Seattle:

1. FABULOUSCONNIEDEESeptember 15, 2018 at 3:39 PM

   "I suppose I might have it easier here in Seattle, but it only takes one hater to ruin a day. They are out there, and it's true that some of them may feel more emboldened due to the demeanor of the current president and administration. It really wasn't that long ago (ten years) that I was still hiding myself for fear of anyone seeing who I thought was the "real me". As we spoke of on an earlier post, getting one's own house in order should be first on the list. No matter where you may live, if you don't show your self-confidence, along with a sincere effort to blend in, you are setting yourself up for a possibly terrible experience. The bullies are drawn to signs of weakness. Developing a thicker skin is also helpful, but I wouldn't depend on it as defense against physical assault.
   
   I have been accosted a number of times, and assaulted once. There have been a few "Me Too" incidents, as well. Everything physical happened in drinking establishments when I was alone, so I take care not to put myself in those situations anymore. At least my self-confidence and self-esteem have risen to the point where I don't run back to the closet in tears when something negative happens. I refuse to allow my gender identity, or someone else's perception of it, to make me a victim. No matter how bad the world may look, having a victim mentality only makes it worse.
   
   I have my pride, I won't abide!"
2. Great advice! Thanks :)
3. 
   Emma GraySeptember 15, 2018 at 11:22 PM

   "I moved from the SF Bay Area (where I was born, raised, schooled, and worked) to Seattle just over a year ago. Maybe my opinion is biased by the wonderful change in scenery but, in my opinion, Seattle and environs are a transgender Mecca. I love it here."
4. Thanks to you too Emma!

Transgender in Today's World?

Is it better, or worse being transgender in today's' world?

I think for the most part better, even with the current climate in Washington, which is decidedly anti-trans. I know too, much of being transgender revolves around where you live.

For instance, where I live in a relatively upscale suburb east of Cincinnati, Ohio and life is very good for me and my acceptance level. (Knock on wood.) I have an acquaintance though who lives in Port Huron, Michigan and always bemoans the fact she is stuck in an anti-trans environment. To make matters worse, she only has a bicycle to get around on.

Living where Stana from Femulate lives on the east coast, or where Connie lives in Seattle most likely are a couple of the most diverse locales to live but of course it's impossible for everyone who is transgender and stuck where they live to pick up and move.

In that case, each of everyone else who lives in  non accepting situations, has to carve out their own life and it's certainly not easy. Most are stuck with learning all aspects of looking feminine all alone or even relying on dating sites to try to get validation from men.

So all in all, I still think, for the most part, living is easier for a transgender person because of some of the positive publicity we have received recently. Caitlyn Jenner excluded.

Hope you all are experiencing an easier way to go as a trans person in today's world. And I would be remiss if I didn't mention the work it takes to present as  the best woman you can be!

I Got "Nuttin" Honey

Every once in a while, I draw a blank when it comes to writing a blog post.

It seems lately, I have missed several opportunities to go to places I could have written about, which is going to happen again this weekend. Liz and I were invited out again to the restaurant venue we have been going to, which is slightly upscale.

This time, we can't go because of financial duress caused by having to put a new brake system on one of our cars. Plus, The Ohio State University Buckeyes play Texas Christian University Saturday night. It should be a great game.

Next week though, I have a Veterans Administration LGBTQ support meeting Tuesday and I better start working on my new voice lesson homework. So, I have something to show the other transgender women (and everyone else) in the group.

So things should be picking up soon.

Good and Bad

The bad of course is hurricane Florence which is threatening a good portion of the East coast of the United States. For those of you in the path, please take cover and stay safe! Or of course, evacuate altogether.  As we all know, disasters such as this are specifically hard on fragile trans communities.

The good is the study which found (as we already knew) there is no link between transgender bathroom rights and sex crimes. From the Boston Globe:

"A first-of-its-kind study was released Wednesday and refuted the premise that the state’s transgender antidiscrimination law threatens public safety, finding no relation between public transgender bathroom access and crimes that occur in bathrooms.

Researchers at the Williams Institute, a think tank focused on gender identity at the UCLA School of Law, examined restroom crime reports in Massachusetts cities of similar size and comparable demographics and found no increase in crime and no difference between cities that had adopted transgender policies and those that had not. The data was collected for a minimum of two years before a statewide antidiscrimination law took effect in 2016."

Perhaps the Catholic Church should have been included in the survey!

Thanks to Bobbie for the heads up!

Also, our illustrious non leader continues to recieive push back on his idea to ban transgender troops from the military. Recently a group of congress persons got together to send him a rebuttal on the idea.  Although, I am sure he has bigger fish to fry right now!

Finally, I briefly saw a promo on what looked like a series or show on a transgender marriage. All I think I know now it is on Monday, airing on NBC. I will let you know if I find out more.