The Pendulum Swings

I believe the winding course which takes us from being a part time cross dresser to a full time transgender woman has a pendulum. It swings back and forth until you decide on the feminine person you ultimately will become as you regain your heritage.

You may always want/need to dress in heels and hose or (on the other hand) you may end up loving your girl jeans and boots. It's trans human nature, sort of like being a princess, per Connie:

"FABULOUSCONNIEDEEDecember 10, 2017 at 4:05 PM

It's OK to feel like a princess once in a while. In fact, every woman - cis or trans - has a right to it. Looking back, I see that my cross dressing experiences were like crossing a line each time. I was feeling the princess in me, but I was simultaneously trying to block out the essence of my self in order to do so. Soon after entering the women's world 24/7, I found myself more in a zone - a zone in which I might feel like a chambermaid one moment, and a princess the next. 

The princess feeling may come and go, and it may be as small and fleeting as having a man open a door for me or a knowing smile from another woman. Sure, I experienced a bit of that when cross dressed, but I had to cross a line first. I can tell you now, though, that these feelings are so much more affirming in my life as a woman (trans woman, if you insist) than they were when I was only temporarily presenting a facade.

Above it all is that I would rather live within the zone as a chambermaid, with fewer opportunities to be a princess, than to have to cross a line in order to feel like a princess for a few hours at a time. The princess feeling can come at any time, not just after I've made a conscious effort to step over a line."

Very true! Thanks! :)

You Are Nothing...

It's been awhile here in Cyrsti's Condo since I have discussed my most prized possession...my health.  You may (or may not) remember, I ran into some fairly serious iron problems in my blood in 2015. The issue wasn't a lack of iron, it was too much. If the problem was not brought under control, liver damage would result. To make a long story short, I was taken off my precious estrogen until it was and in the meantime my hands were breaking out in sores, again until my iron could be brought under control.

After seeing a number of VA (Veterans Administration) doctors, one diagnosed my problem and set out to help me take care of it. He ordered me to undertake a series of Phlebotomy's until my iron was back under control. Here is a partial explanation:

"Phlebotomy is a clinical procedure in which blood is taken out from your body. People suffering from conditions such as hemochromatosis, where there is an excess of iron content in the blood, or polycythemia, where the patient produces excessive amounts of red blood cells, regularly undergo phlebotomy to alleviate their condition.

The regular removal of blood lowers the body’s iron level by bringing down the population of red blood cells in the body."

This link will take you to more of an explanation..

Most importantly, over a period of six months, the treatment worked and I was allowed to get back on my HRT meds and resume my MtF transgender gender transition. In addition I, perhaps, will have blood taken every three months or so for the rest of my life.

My thanks to Sam Thomas , the main editor at Medipursuit who helped me with the explanation and the link.

It's hard to explain what the process was and how important it was/is to me. With the Christmas season upon us, the most important gift anyone can receive is their health!

Jump! ...Suit

I was watching one of Liz's sewing shows this morning on one of our PBS television channels. Liz is a seamstress and the show's theme today was the returning popularity of the pants or jump-suit for women.

The show brought back many memories I had about a black jump-suit I just loved back in the day...when they were in style. I remember I was lucky to find it in my size in a deep discount store and it fit wonderfully. The only problem was when I had to potty, I had to almost take it all off.

Ancient picture of the wig I wore with the pants-suit

The jumpsuit was also what I wore on the evening I chose to go out and seriously begin to live as a transgender woman. It was also the first night I can remember I was making a conscious choice to move from a cross dresser to a trans woman.
Perhaps you remember the Cyrsti's Condo post detailing the extreme fear I felt on the evening. The "suit" helped me to succeed that night because it was upscale and fit in with the professional women who were coming in after work. I was able to blend in easily.

The jump-suit also fit in well when I went shopping in several of the upscale malls in Columbus, Ohio. Again, I fit right in with many of the other cis-women as I shopped.

As fond as the memories were though, I don't think I would try to wear a pants-suit again.

Reality or Fantasy?

Back in the day, my deceased wife and I would engage in many discussions/arguments over my cross dressing only being fantasy based and having nothing to do with knowing how a "real" woman lived. Little did she know, when she called me the "Pretty, pretty princess" I was motivated to learn exactly what she was talking about...learn how to live as a "real" woman.

It turns out Connie had a similar experience:

FABULOUSCONNIEDEEDecember 9, 2017 at 2:10 PM

"As we both heard from our spouses early on, "You just want all the fun parts of being a girl!" For me, that comment made me really examine my gender identity. It caused me, at once, both shame and indignation. I hated myself for living out a fantasy at the expense of our relationship, but how dare she say that it was only a fantasy! By all appearances, though, she was right. I had been holding back my real femininity in order to be able to compartmentalize my feminine and masculine presentations. When I explained that to her later, and she graciously accepted my need to let go of the masculine, the freedom (and the responsibility) of embracing the feminine world opened the door to a life that was so much more natural to me than I'd ever experienced before.

As a man, I always preferred the company of women on a social level. I was seen by them as a sensitive and gentle man. Women would confide in me like they would not to most guys, and I learned so much about myself in the process. I actually had an empathy for women that most men could not ever comprehend. The thing that was so upsetting to me, though, is that I was not so well received by women when I was "just having fun" being one. Yes, I had been looking at life from both sides, but it wasn't until I melded them together - being who I really am - that I have been able to be seen by both women and men as having validity. Now, this validity may not be of a cis woman's, but it is close enough that I get respect for who I am. I can't ask for more than that."

As life went on, I found out my wife was right...I was just being a princess but my life was to change dramatically, and no I never became the "queen."

Thanks Connie for sharing.

How High or Low can You Go?

Liz was discussing with me my Cyrsti's Condo post about the socialization similarities between cis and transgender women.

I'm paraphrasing here, but she said she thought many cross dressers and/or trans women don't understand the seriousness cis women grow up with, when life comes down to appearance. How a whole day can be ruined when an outfit is under appreciated.

On the other hand she agreed with me when I brought up how good we can feel the moment we sense everything has come together and we look the best we can.

She also said, most cis women pass through a certain time of their lives when they are sure they look their best. But, as time passes by, the cis woman has to rely on other features to make them still feel attractive.

That's why, I do my best to take care of my aging skin. If you are on a budget and have an "Big Lots" store nearby, they sell cosmetic facial wipes for around a dollar a pack (30 wipes.) My personal faves are the "green tea" wipes. They do a fantastic job of removing all my makeup and deep cleansing my skin.

Older picture with shorter hair and old glasses.

Plus, as you have all probably read, I try to walk everyday for all the benefits it can provide-including the all important weight control. I figured long ago, if I was seriously considering playing in the girls sandbox as a transgender woman, I needed to start to work at it.

Sometimes I wonder, when someone says they "cannot pass", are they working hard enough to do it. Very, very few of us can naturally head out into a feminine world and be successful. I also tell everyone to not necessarily become enamored with all the pictures you see on the web. The best looking cross dresser - transgender woman in the world can not make it as a trans woman if she walks and talks like a linebacker.

In fact, Liz says "I'm such a girl" when she out cusses me. On the other hand she is always telling me I have a problem with my posture.

It's like everything else in life...highs and lows are part of existence. Just head on back to the drawing board and do better. No matter what age you are or how you perceive your appearance.

Let It Snow!

When it snows around here (Ohio) it is obviously not the same as it snowing throughout the deep South...Louisiana, Georgia, etc. I don't mind snow if I don't have to travel in it, and if I do, I have something to wear.

Somewhere in the dim recesses of my closet, I have a couple more pair of boots still to seek out. One pair resembles the classic "Ugh" boots and are tan in color with some sort of a faux wool interior. In other words, the ultimate snow boot. My old slouch boots have seen their better days, I have a pair of gray boots with two inch heels which are actually too big unless I wear heavy socks with them and finally I have a pair of heavy duty charcoal colored suede and fax fur boots too.

So I think I can make it through the winter! :)

Now sweaters are a different story. This transgender girl cannot have enough sweaters! Time permitting, I would still like to hit a couple of the pre-Christmas sales, use the remainder of my gift certificate and buy one or two more sharp sweaters.

I promise to try to remember to snap a selfie the next time I wear one for all of you.

In the meantime both Liz and I are using our resources to keeping our two aging cars on the street!

Can We Learn?

Some staunch transgender woman opponents say it is impossible for a person born a biological male to ever understand what it is like to truly transition into a cis woman's world.

Of course I am biased, but I say it is possible we transgender women can totally assimilate a cis woman's lifestyle.

I used to refer to the process as "playing in the girl's sandbox."  When one begins to try to survive in a feminine world, women teach us tons, if they know it or not.

Remembering the early scratch marks I received as I learned the terrain, it's a wonder I made it at all. But I did. Here's an example:

I had to learn where passively aggressive women carried their invisible knives and how to watch your back when they tried to use them. Also I had to fight those who thought I was some temporary cross dresser who would head home, put my pretty clothes away and resume my life as a guy. The fight didn't last long as I established my true feminine personality and flourished . 

Human beings are sharks and cis women are the top mental predators. Once cis women couldn't find any BS in my Mtf transgender transition, they, for the most part had no problems with me.

And then there are the ever expanding examples of gender violence and sexual predators. Both tie trans women even closer into the overall universal feminine experience.

Finally, most cis women will never understand the amount of time trans women spent during their life watching and learning from afar. The ultimate form of flattery. Most cis women just can't understand we were always women...just born different.

So, those are only a few of the reasons I believe we trans women can understand a cis woman's world and on some occasions, our male experiences even help.

A true " Both Sides Now."  (With all respect to Judy Collins)

Another Look

I have been fortunate enough to receive several fascinating comments from transgender women on their lifelong MtF transition from being a cross dresser, to where they truly belong...out and proud trans women.

The first came from Paula Goodwin and the second from Connie Malone:

"I have to say that I do not look back on cross dressing with any fondness. Sure, I felt terrific when I got all dolled up, but there was always an underlying feeling of guilt and shame associated with it. At first, I felt guilt and shame for doing something I could only understand as deviant behavior. However, the worst part of it was the deceit in trying to keep it a secret from loved ones and friends. Once I understood that I didn't need to cross dress in order to express my femininity, I began "fessing up" to myself and others. I asked for their forgiveness - not for my being trans, but for the lengths I would go to hide it from them. Coming out is one thing; coming clean is another.

My everyday wardrobe now - jeans, hoodie, and sneakers - is no different than what I used to wear in my male life. When I do have reason to dress up now, instead of a coat and tie, it's a dress and heels. The emotional and mental difference is like night and day, and the physical discomfort that may come with wearing foundation garments and heels is the only price I pay these days. I'm so lucky to feel pretty and not feel guilt. Freeing myself of the guilt, by the way, makes me all the more pretty!"

Nice! Thanks :)

Not Again!

Leelah Alcorn

An Ohio judge will decide whether a transgender boy whose parents, according to court documents, want "Christian-based" therapy for him can receive treatment at Cincinnati Children's Hospital Medical Center.

The 16-year-old wants to transition in gender, but court documents say his parents have denied he is transgender, have refused services from Children's Hospital and at one point refused to allow him to change his "appearance to a male look."

The teen has reported that he was once forced to sit in a room and listen to Bible scriptures for more than six hours at a time, the documents say, the Cincinnati Enquirer reported.

All of this comes on the heels of Greater Cincinnati trans teenager "Leelal Alcorn's" suicide a couple years ago under similar circumstances.

How sad! Even tragic if you are willing to sacrifice your transgender child for some mis-guided principal.