Halloween Archive Post (2014)

As I look back over the years on the blog, it amazes me how much ground we have covered! Even though much of it is so similar.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

"Tis" The Season-Almost

"As I look out the front windows here in Cyrsti's Condo, I see the trees donning their yellows and reds for fall fashion and- of course my mind wanders past fashion toHalloween.

Rightly or wrongly, Halloween has left indelible marks in my noggin.  When I was a kid and all the way through college to my Army days, I never dressed as a girl for parties.  Not to say I didn't want to desperately, just didn't have the courage to do it (which turned out to be my problem for nearly five decades.)

Once I did begin to celebrate Halloween in all sorts of feminine costumes, quickly I learned two basics.  The first was I didn't want to wait a whole year to cross dress again in public.  The second was, beware of compliments.  It took me years to figure out I wasn't some sort of deity who could "make" a good looking woman and if I was indeed attractive was it because I was a guy cross dressing as a woman?

Looking back, the problem was, these experiences just were opening  a gender Pandora's Box. If you take one of the definitions literally, the phrase "to open Pandora's box" means to perform an action that may seem small or innocent, but that turns out to have severely detrimental and far-reaching consequences.  How true it was, those early Halloween adventures were detrimental to me because I spent years trying to learn and then conceal being transgender.  "Far reaching" speaks for itself.

On the other hand, I was able to have several incredible Halloween experiences. Many of which we will write about in October! And! I would love to write about yours too!"

Still goes!

HRT-Another Look

As I said in my post about estrogen, my choice was purely a personal one and in reality doesn't have to mean anything to another transgender person transitioning. As Connie points out:

"So, I suppose I'm an example of one who does not need HRT in my transition, but there is still no lack of a wanting for it. In my case, it could very well kill me, and I'm too satisfied living as a woman these days to have to worry about dying as a "better" one. Nonetheless, I do have a longing to feel the emotional effects that HRT might induce - at least, I have an unrelenting curiosity about it. Had I not been such a procrastinator when I was younger, I could have experienced those effects for some time, even if I'd had to quit HRT for the sake of my health later. C'est la vie!

Ten or twelve years ago, I was a member of a cross dressing "social club". Most of the members were happy just to cross dress on Thursday nights, but some were contemplating transition or in the early stages of it. It's funny to me that I didn't realize I had already been in transition until after I'd spent some time with this group. I gravitated more toward the "transitioners", even though some of these people seemed to be more unstable than those who were satisfied with occasionally dressing up and going out to show their feminine selves to the world (at least to a bar or restaurant). As I observed the differences between the two "subgroups", I also noticed the differences within the HRT crowd. I theorized that there were those who were fueled by estrogen and others who were fooled by estrogen. I wondered, at that time, which I'd be if I were to begin HRT (a good excuse to procrastinate?). As time went on, though, I came to realize that I wouldn't be fooled by it, as I was confident in my gender identity. Maybe HRT would have been more like a fuel additive than the fuel itself, but there was no doubt in my mind that my motor was running and that I was headed in the right direction already. Whether one adds HRT to their transition or not, then, it's important to remember that your mileage may vary."

Confidence is the key! After all, gender is between the ears!

Mo Halloween

This post is a small montage of comments I received from one of my Halloween posts. The first is from Paula in the UK:

"Although growing in popularity over here (UK) Halloween has not played a big part in development. However one band I play in is considering having a Pantomime themed concert when we will be asked to play in fancy dress. I rather like the idea of going as a "leading boy", Prince Charming in thigh boots sounds like fun!"

Thanks Paula! I think this is the time of year I neglect to mention how big of an occasion Halloween is in this country. It's right next to Christmas!

And from Connie:

"Hey, I just heard of a survey that concluded 50% of men shave their legs! What's this world coming to? :-)

I found out last Friday that the main accessory for my costume was put on back-order - rescheduled for delivery in November. I had to cancel the order and am now hurriedly trying to figure out what costume I can wear this weekend. Maybe this is my year of the slut look? Or, I could go as the Seahawks offense and be nothing...." (NFL reference to a Seattle offense struggling to score any points!)

Must be all those "metro-sexual" guys!

Plus it is Halloween week on TV, a great chance to sneak a peak or two at a cross dressed actor!

As the Bewitching Hour Approaches

With the way Halloween falls on the calendar this year, many of the big parties are happening this coming weekend. Traditionally a chance to get a few unexpected "glances" at a cross dresser or two who may know their "craft" a little too well.

This is also the time of year when all the thrift stores have their share of men trying to act like they don't care as they shop for that special "frock."

As I written, it's hard for me to come up with all the Halloween's over the years-although I had to work through many of them. Even still, I managed to work my way through many costume stages.

Very early  I did the "slut" look which many cis women still use variations of every Halloween. Back in my late 20's I was even told "I made a better looking woman than man." Since I was very limited when I could cross dress the oft handed "compliment" caused me angst  for years. Back in those days I had the legs to show off and a better body proportion to go with them. In fact, I was known as "legs" for months after Halloween to several women. Secretly, the name made me pleased but then again just pushed me ever harder to put on the nearest dress. Which is exactly what I wanted to do anyhow. Just didn't need the extra pressure.

As the Halloweens went by, I tried gender confusion as my costume. My goal was to trick the public into knowing my true self.

Then as I came out as transgender, I didn't want to quote "do drag" at all on Halloween so I pretty much stayed home or didn't bother with a "costume" at all. I figured too, the evening would be an incredible time to people/costume watch.

Which brings me full circle to today. I am secure enough to do any kind of costume, but I am very partial to my witches/vampire look I wore to the Witches Ball we went to a couple weeks ago.

I wore a light patterned shaw over a full length slitted black skirt. For makeup I went with a very light foundation, dark eyes and a magenta lipstick. With my height, I kind of "swirled." Plus I wore black flats for comfort.

I'm sure most "civilians" don't understand the true meaning of Halloween to cross dressers/transgender peeps. Just be on the outlook for shaved legs if you want an idea about how serious a person is!!!

Me and My Estrogen

It's no secret one of the most powerful demarcation points of moving from cross dresser to transgender is when you take your first dosage of estrogen-be it in a pill, shot or patch.

Interestingly in our nit-picking trans community, one doesn't need the hormone at all to feel any more feminine or needs it to feel whole. (As it was for me.) So. to each their own! They may already have high doses of estrogen in their system already.

This post came to me yesterday as I was changing out my estrogen patches. As I did it, I thought back to my first doctor who subscibed me a minimum dosage with the "warning" my breasts would grow slightly and my hair a lot. Both were true and as my dosage increased so did my breast size which I estimate to be close to a "D" now. All I know my breasts define a deeper sense of feminity within me which I assume is normal with a cis woman too. Also, psychological or not, I feel a sense of having an emotional "period" if I miss a dose of estrogen.

I remember too, the less than intelligent comment I got from one guy who said he wished he could grow his breasts too, so he could play with them. Some comments just never go away like I was just "another old guy on hormones."

The point most never realize with HRT is most of it is mental. My emotions changed as quickly and completely as my body.

I have been on this route for nearly four years now, and have never doubted it was the right move for me. I have adapted nicely to how I see the world now from a different perspective and how it sees me. 

I always felt I was mainly non passable but went ahead and lived my life anyhow. Another someone once told me I passed out of sheer will power. Once thing HRT did do for me was soften my facial features and gave me the "no turning back" kick in the rear to live a feminine life.

Now it seems, much of the world is catching up with me, especially the millenial generation and below. Most are gender blind and some even think being transgender is cool to an extent.

So, having my own hair and breasts is connecting more dots making my life easier, but again HRT is in no way is neccessary for all of us to do the same.

Still Dancin'

Connie (as she often does) has taken one of my posts and built on to it, giving it a new twist I didn't think about. Here is her latest:

"To paraphrase (with a twist) a Bible verse, "When I was a boy, I spoke as a boy, understood as a boy, and thought as a boy: But when I became a woman, I put away boyish things." I said and heard some awful things regarding women when I was overcompensating - in an attempt to cover up my feminine identity. I am so embarrassed by some of my behavior in those days. These days, I am definitely getting my pay-back for it all, though. I have been accosted countless times by men and subjected to such vile comments I never even could have conceived of in my younger days.

 I have also been touched inappropriately, and even groped a number of times by men. It seems that "no" still does not register with some of them, as if the word signals them to try harder. I'm still not sure that these men would say the same things to a cis woman, in that they may be confusing gender with sex - as if I were a gay man dressing up as a woman in order to attract them. It doesn't matter, however, as nothing would make their behavior acceptable. All of these incidents have taken place in public places, so I have been relatively safe physically. The emotional wounds are hard enough to deal with, though, and it all causes me to be on guard much of the time. The thing that really bothers me is that I am often initially flattered by the attention, even when I sense that the advance will end up being far from flattering. That is the fine line I walk, I suppose."

I am fairly sure most cis women walk that same "fine line" Connie! Most certainly since we have transistioned, we all have felt the pressure to look our best for men and women which again includes that line. Example, look sexy-not sluty or sexy not trashy.

But central to my point is the "sex vs gender" proposition which is so foreign to both genders but specifically to men as indicated by their actions.

Thanks again Connie!

Sad and To the Point

Like so many of us, I have a young transgender friend locked in two major struggles. One is internal and the other external-pressure from peers. This makes the point better than most and I decided to pass it along to all of you. 

The Dance of the Genders

With the recent "explosion" of attention regarding the ongoing treatment of women in our society brought on by one of the presidential candidates, I can't help but comment on a very complx issue, brought on by the fact I identify as a transgender woman.

First of all, as a guy I heard every degrogative feminine comment- and as I transistioned put myself in the same category. Otherwise known as losing my male privilege. I find it interesting certain cis women say it's not my problem and I don't understand it, but I do. Maybe better because of my perch on both sides of the gender fence.

As I hit dating age "back in the day" I wondered how girls did it. They managed to walk that fine line between "being respectable" and holding the keys to reproduction for the most part. If a girl was attractive and didn't "put out" it put her in a different category than the ones who supposedly  did. The dance dictated much speculation between genders. (In a pre birth control era.)

Of course, those were more innocent days and now increasingly through social media we hear of women who are/were forced into sexual situations against their will. Especially and tragically, younger ones.

As a former member of the male gender, I simply don't understand the whys or hows of a guy drugging a woman for sex or other creepy actvities. As I have written here a number of times, being over powered by a guy was a very real possibility for me one night. Ironically, my wife said my dress had a lot to do with it it. NO, what ever you wear should not enable any man to take any advantage of you he wants. And no these are not an extended version of "boys being boys."

If it is, families need to take a closer look at what it means to raise a son inot manhood.

At my advanced age of 67 it seems to me the dance of the genders has been wrecked, then  again, whatever has been wrecked can be repaired. Afterall, the "Millennial Generation" seems to be the most accepting transgender group ever.

One way or another cis and trans women and men needs to talk about and help repair the dance.

Hiatus?

Perhaps, if you have noticed a lack of posts around here lately, you are right,

Due to techincal and logistical problems, I have had a tough time doing any posting.

Thanks for your understanding!

Jessie