Early Morning Thoughts

It's 3 am Eastern Standard Time in the United States of America on the bit of dust we call Earth.
The good thing about being retired is I'm essentially on a 24/7 schedule. The bad thing about being retired is I'm essentially on a 24/7 schedule. Everyone except me is fairly certain I have all the time in the world.
Sometimes I do.
Yesterday I had time to get my hair done, go on a short makeup exploration trip and notice I was well on the way to filling out a nice A cup in the bra I was wearing. And before I forget, fix the damn plumbing in my house which thawed and of course broke. That's feminine, right?

At 3 in the morning, I'm still just me. Sometimes I wonder if that makes me less of a transgender woman? No it doesn't. It only means whom ever strung the wires in my head plugged them in like this.

Curiously I wonder if all of this means I have already gone stealth in my mind. Essentially going stealth in the outside world will happen when get out of my house of 30 some years.  Very simply what it means to my gender status is a total and clean break with the material positions of my past. I have come to the conclusion certain members of the human race will always sniff out my male past. I have also concluded in no way will that matter when I attend my next "Jimmy Buffet" concert next summer.

I tell anyone who cares gender is just a small part of me. Certainly there is so much more my overactive mind than meets the eye. I recently watched a television special on older human beings (older than me even) stagnating mentally. I wonder if I will ever get to a point to when I start to slow down?

All right, I know we are here to discuss transgender "stuff". It's 3 am and I just saw a belly dancer on a crazy late night movie I'm watching and remembered a certain friend of mine's offer to go to dance classes with me. I used to think a move (or moves) like belly dancing would be an impossible idea. From where I'm sitting now the whole idea seems wonderful. I love 3 am!

Magician

When I was a kid, every time my Mom went to get her hair done Dad would say "she went to the repair shop".
I some ways I believe that. Our hair does need a lot of repair at my age! It's hard to believe my first hand experience with a feminine salon was four plus months ago.
I know you are thinking "how the hell do you remember that Cyrsti when you can't remember last week?"
Well, it is easy for my less than agile mind to remember when I did make my first trip to the stylist compliments of a birthday present from my daughter. October 3rd  2012.
Perhaps you noticed the new picture at the top of the blog. It is from this morning. Trip number four to get my hair done.
I have found a new descriptor to add to my Dad's: "A trip to the magician!"

We Got Mail!

This comment actually came from a transgender person who saw my "Slippery Slope" post on another site. I felt it was worth sharing here in Crysti's Condo. Plus I so love to show my mailbox picture!


"Having lived full time for almost 10 years, having all the effects of hormones I'm going to get (not nearly what I hoped for), being stuck with some male attributes (mostly facial) that could never be resolved with the best of surgeons, and accepting that I will always be "read" as born male body, tolerating the cruel things that shitty people often say, I still almost never have those awful thoughts of turning back. I'm still willing to have the SRS at the drop of a hat (sigh, the money issue...), regardless. It's no longer the holy grail in the sense that the world will then accept me as 100% female. My friends do, and that's all that matters. Even in my own mind, I accept myself as a mix of female brain and male brain, though I feel my body belongs in female form. I think what made the difference is having a distinct memory of those days when I despised pretending to be one of the boys, and resenting everything that stood in my way of living as a female. Truth be said, none of us know what it's like to be a " ______". We only know what our *perception* of "male" and "female" or "man" and "woman" is (which is largely molded by the definitions our culture rams down our throat...). Just as we really only know what it's like to be ourselves, and not another person. If being OK with ourselves comes from the endorsement of the world around us, we're on the wrong path. Peace is something one creates from the raw materials within; no exterior force should be responsible for us obtaining it. I know... easier said than done. "

Well said!

Gender Mutts

A very common opinion among dog people is mutts are the best dogs.
Could it be a human "gender mutt" could fall into the same category? I suppose in a perfect world that would be great but by now you are thinking "just what the hell is Cyrsti smoking".
A transgender or gender fluid person ideally should understand the realities of both genders. Right?
Problems with this utopian idea are wide and varied.

Just a couple examples are one of the many replies I received to the "Dating your Male Self" post to the less than warm reception the average transgender or transsexual person encounters in the public eye. One reply said I couldn't date my male self because I never was one.  Great! I understand that but I believe if you have lived any life presenting as a male some of the world would rub off on you! Wouldn't you have some sort of an idea of how to react to a guy as a woman and understand the process? Doesn't that alone potentially make you a better person?

The world's reaction to us is just plain ignorance and fear at work. We can bring so much to the table if we are allowed. I have said many times here that women potentially cause me the biggest public problems. Some though do ask me why guys they love or interested in act the way they do. For the most part of course, men are too insecure to ask.

So I guess not only am I a genetic mutt (German/British), I'm a gender mutt too.  I may not be the most aristocratic or beautiful mutt in the room but I'm trying to achieve the other great qualities of our breed! I just wish more in our own community would get along better for the good of the whole. The world needs it.  If it realizes it or not.

A Story of Hope

Transgender transition story from YouTube:

Lingerie With a Purpose

We have mentioned Chrysalis, who features lingerie for the transgender woman or cross dresser. Here's a video featuring their model Pitcha

Horror Scope

It's time for a little "star gazing" here in Cyrsti's Condo!


No matter how awkward you feel, know that other you're dealing with is feeling it more. Some sensitivity without self-consciousness will count now, as you will be treading upon delicate emotions. While that can be a turn-off, know this isn’t a definite personality trait, but simply a wall you have to climb to get into the fortress — which will be way sweeter inside. Trust.


As always, "Horror Scope" is my title and you can get your own from theFrisky!

Mid Life Gender Crisis

Transitioning later in life is certainly a bigger deal than just going out and buying a new sports car.
Next to transgender vet ideas and information here in Cyrsti's Condo, going through a mid to late life gender change is a huge topic here too.
Many times it's not the most popular place to be in the trans community as a whole, let alone with long established family and friends.
We are called "pretenders" because we didn't transition earlier in lives or worse.
Of all places, The New York Times looked at the topic recently: "THE ETHICIST" Should I Become a Woman and Risk Causing Pain to My Wife and Children? Here's a portion of the question and answer:

"I’ve been living the life of a married man for 20 years. I have a successful career and three children. All this time, however, I have battled gender dysphoria and the deep sadness that comes from living a lie. From the earliest age, I’ve been unhappy being male. I believed I would find happiness only once I was true to myself. I recently had my self-diagnosis confirmed, and I’m initiating a transition to living as the real me. There is a cost involved: pain to my family and stress on my career. Ethically, is it right to be “true to myself” even if that authenticity ends my otherwise happy marriage and damages the emotional stability of my three children?"

And part of the answer:


" The conclusion is not as simple as the question suggests: it’s impossible to know how much damage this would actually do. Your family may already sense that something is wrong. I could argue that an honest, difficult relationship is still better than a comfortable marriage based on the unreal; it’s also possible that your children (as they mature) will understand your desires completely. It’s entirely possible that this evolution could be positive for everyone involved. This, however, is all speculation. I don’t know you or anyone in your family, and it would be idiotic of me to pretend as if there were one irrefutable response to this situation. The person you need to talk to is your wife. You need to consider what this action will do to your three children, in both the short term and the long term. When you made the decision to have children, you committed yourself to the sacrifice of significant personal freedoms for the betterment of their lives; this is a profound extension of that reality, but that’s your ethical responsibility as a parent. So the question you really need to ask yourself is this: Is your psychological damage from gender dysphoria greater than the psychological damage that its restoration will inflict upon the lives of any (or all) of your children? If the answer is yes, proceed. If the answer is no, don’t do it. Your sadness is tragic, but at least it’s confined to yourself. This advice might seem reactionary, but it’s not a position on whether transitioning is ethical in and of itself. There’s no inherent ethical problem with that decision. It’s about the possibility of improving one life at a greater cost to three others who might lack the intellectual and emotional maturity to comprehend what’s really happening.

Certainly, the person answering the question doesn't have the understanding of the depth of the problem. No where in the answer was the fact that so many transgender people consider the ultimate solution as suicide?
The final point was no better:


"It’s about the possibility of improving one life at a greater cost to three others who might lack the intellectual and emotional maturity to comprehend what’s really happening."

Oh, by the way the advice was written by a man...go figure.

Muscle Memory

Have you heard the term? I've used it here in Cyrsti's Condo a couple times. Very simply it means what it says: "training your muscles to do a certain task."
As males attempting to jump into a feminine role obviously there is quite a bit of learning and relearning to do physically.

Some of us have farther to go than others. Several readers have asked for a before and after picture of me for a point of reference or even a positive example of how you may express your femininity. There is a certain picture of an bearded overweight me that I don't recognize that I'm trying to find, scan and post but have not yet located it.

Back to "muscle memory":  The more I began to consider a serious transgender transition, here's what I tried  to do. Anytime I was out dressed as a guy, I tried to think of my posture, the length of my steps and walking up on the balls of my feet. An easy rule of thumb is women glide and for most their center of gravity of course is around the hips. For most of us, all of this is a difficult process because we have spent so many years developing our male muscle memory. If you can do it observe how a woman moves not how she looks. As we all know, a successful feminine presentation does not have to be a thing of beauty. It needs to be a thing of confidence and reality.

Since I do almost everything backwards, I have always felt you should learn the feminine basics in flats. You can concentrate on your posture, hip and arm movements and then add the heels as you become more comfortable. But that's just me. I know heels are so beneficial to my overall look but they also take me above the 6 foot height limit I have set for myself. There is a big trade out!

The trick to all of this of course is how to flip a switch on your muscle memory.  To this day, I have to not get too comfortable and slip back into my male ways. Back in the day I often had to think about which situation I was in and was I flipping the female switch without thinking when I was working as a guy. This became more of a problem when I began to really try to incorporate more feminine voice patterns into to "the switch".

I am not going to sit here and tell you I'm even close to where I want to be in this process. On the other hand if I don't have a plan I will certainly never get to where I want to go.

In the meantime girls "shoulders back, chest out and glide!"