On the Hunt

 While transgender woman Hunter Schafer's only acting credit to date is on the HBO series Euphoria, it's an important one. The character has been praised for being one of the few transgender actors on television to not be depicted as struggling with their identity. Her role showed that a trans person can be seen simply as a person on a show – being trans doesn't have to define them.

Schafer has modeled as well for a number of top brands, from Dior to Calvin Klein and Vera Wang, and continues her work as an activist for the LGBTQ+ community,

Smoke and Mirrors

 Gender Dysphoria and how it effects us separately is often a very personal experience. Also it revolves too on how we interact with the public as a transgender woman. In other words, do we pass. I dislike the term but it is one of the few I could use other than "present."

I remember the days when I first began to try my hand at a feminine life, I chose places which had an abundance of mirrors I could reinforce my feminine image in. One place I recall many visits was a large coat factory store where I could try many women's winter coats I couldn't afford. One in particular was a pale blue mid length wool coat I dearly loved. I'm surprised I didn't get kicked out of the store for being a pest and not buying anything.

Still I persisted with mirrors I even sought out sports bar venues where I could sit facing the mirrors behind the bar to reinforce my feminine thoughts. Of course the feelings were fleeting and all too soon, I was left alone with my Mtf gender dysphoria.

Recently I read another take on the whole idea called "Being Trans in a World of Mirrors" by Emma Holiday:

 "Everyone has moments of self-criticism and self-hate. They can be even more painful if parents, siblings or friends highlight your own perceived weaknesses. That kind of negative attention takes the extra rawness and makes it throb inside our soul. We are all forced to find ways to deal with it and survive; it gives psychiatrists, psychologists and bartenders job security.

But being transgender seems to be the Olympics of internal pain and external vulnerability. Over the last three years I have experienced the transgender gauntlet of gender dysphoria in all its glory. It is an inescapable experience of doubt, confusion, shame, guilt, anger and fear, churning 24/7 in your head. When you have gender dysphoria, the frightening statistic that 40% of transgender people attempt suicide suddenly makes sense."

Of course Emma has more to add and you can read it here.

Post Christmas Transgender Blues

 It turned out once my late wife started to give me a little support as a cross dresser, the last thing we normally did was a Christmas night gift exchange. Slowly it became my time to receive "girl" gifts. Perhaps you may remember me writing about the warm fuzzy sweaters I wore when I went out as a novice transgender woman. I cherished and took care of the sweaters she gave me so I had something nice to wear.

The gift exchange was definitely saving the best for last and once it was over, it was time to return to the boring male world I had to live in. The depression I felt was real after the gift shopping trips I had tried and the chances I had to add to my feminine wardrobe.

Fortunately, work stepped in and kept me occupied until New Years Eve which I will write about later. During most of this time, I managed a high volume casual dining chain restaurant and it took most of the knowledge and skill I could muster to operate it at a high level. 

At least when I was acting like the macho male manager I wasn't, time went by.  

Once I threw in a touch of alcohol to medicate the pain, I was able to sooth the Post Christmas Transgender Blues.

Merry Christmas!

 Of course, 2020 is throwing it's last best shot at us as we celebrate Christmas itself. 

Putting a big red bow on our Cyrsti's Condo Christmas past series, here is a look at a few of my past memories. 

Along the way, I was always the great procrastinator. I thrived on the pressure of finding a great gift at the last minute. So, all of the sudden, here I was out shopping in my fancy black pant's suit, blond wig and wool coat wondering just how much courage I could muster to pickup the perfect gift. 

As it turned out, the perfect gift that year turned out to be an oak book case which matched the oak roll top desk we had purchased for my wife earlier in the year. I ended up bravely going into an oak furniture store and finding what I was looking for. 

So far, I had done the easy part. Then I had to buy it and get it to the SUV and get it home. All before she returned home from work and I had to transition back to my guy self. 

Before all of that, I had to hitch up my big girl panties and approach a rather gruff guy to tell him what I wanted. Surprisingly enough, he smiled and offered to help me complete my purchase. Plus for the first time in my life, I didn't have to be the one who had to worry about carrying a heavy/bulky object to the SUV. My only task was opening the back of the vehicle. 

I made the fifty mile trip home in good shape, was able to find an ideal gift, and the saddest part of all, return to my boring male self before she returned home.

I hope this series of posts hasn't bored you too much. Plus I hope you have a festive and safe holiday season. 

Cyrsti's Christmas Post Three

 During the week approaching the actual day of Christmas, I have been sharing a few of my most memorable moments from the past.

One of the most notable was how I did the right thing for the wrong reason. My point is I was desperately searching for excuses to get out of the house and explore as a transgender woman. I needed to make up reasons for my wife so she wouldn't suspect what I was doing when she was at work. I found the excuse by doing my gift shopping for her as a woman. 

Very quickly I found out how much fun it was and how natural it felt to be out in the world as my authentic self.

My late wife was totally a gardening and Christmas fan. She also loved vintage gifts. All of her likes made it very easy for me to haunt garden stores and antique malls to find her those special gifts. Ironically, all the spots I visited I had been there before with her as a guy. So I knew where I was going and how to get there.

For the most part, I was able to find that special gift and make it back home before she did or before I needed to be at work. The only drawback was I needed to be extra careful in removing any traces of makeup.

I found out too, shopping in the venues I frequented was no different than when I first went out shopping for clothes earlier in my cross dressing experiences. My money was welcomed far more than any ideas about my gender. 

Finally I learned how much more clerks seemed to be to assist me. Even to the point of having male helpers take my purchases to the car. I made the exciting journey from macho man to a woman who needed help with my heavier gifts.

As it turned out, Christmas was turning out to be a very rewarding experience.