Cyrsti's Christmas Post Two

 As we approach the actual day of Christmas, I felt it was a good opportunity to share a few of my more impressive (I hope) holiday memories. 

In our previous post, I remembered the first night I was able to venture out into the public as a transgender woman for the first time and enjoy a major regional Christmas light display. In this post, I am going to share my first time out during a Black Friday shopping blitz at an area upscale mall.

This time, it was relatively easy to find the time to attempt to try my hand at passing on such a major shopping day as a transgender woman, or a just a woman. My wife worked at retail so she had to work and at the time, I was a restaurant general manager to I could set my own hours. I chose to come into work later in the afternoon so I had most of the day to explore another slice of life. 

For an outfit I chose the usual comfortable/blending wardrobe items. In other words, sweater, leggings, boots and wig of course. 

As I left the house, I was more concerned with seeing the neighbors than anything else. I was very secure in my looks but didn't know what to expect with the shopping experience. Since I didn't have much time or the inspiration to find a gift for my wife or others, I was selfishly just there to see if I belonged.

When I arrived, amazingly, it wasn't as difficult to find a parking spot as I had anticipated. I gathered my courage, checked my makeup in the car mirror and headed into my perception of one of the ultimate feminine experiences...Black Friday shopping. 

Once I was in the mall, I found I didn't have any thing to worry about. No one cared who I was at all. I was able to blend in, do a bit of shopping and leave satisfied I had checked off another "bucket list" item off of my Mtf gender transition checklist. 

One again, I used the Christmas experience to do it. 

There will be more to come!

Cyrsti's Christmas Journey...Post One

As I have written here in Cyrsti's Condo in the past, slowly over the years I have been coming to the realization for me Christmas has nearly surpassed Halloween as the most important holiday for me as a transgender woman.

Years ago, as I started to live a life in the public's eye as a feminine person, one night in particular stands out as terrifying and exciting.

Very close to where we lived in Ohio, there was a very small village with a working vintage mill which featured a huge Christmas display. As a guy with my wife, I had been there several times but something was always missing. By now, you can probably guess, I desperately wanted to be one of the women strolling around enjoying the crisp winter air and the festive scenery. As luck would have it, I finally made it to the place I always wanted to be.

First of all, I had to come up with a night off when my wife was working so I could sneak out of the house. Then I had to come up with something to wear. Following not much effort, I came up with a big warm, snuggly sweater, leggings and a pair of boots. I was set!

The village was only a short ten mile drive from our house but as I was getting ready, the anticipation of the upcoming evening was killing me. I spent what seemed hours getting dressed, applying makeup and wig. Finally, my idea of perfection was reached and out the door I went.

Since I had the protection of night, I didn't have to worry so much about the neighbors for a change plus darkness always helped me to pass the public once I arrived. 

Once I did arrive, I found a parking space, gathered myself, took a deep breath and got out of the car. Into the world I went to experience what I was missing all those years. After my initial nerves calmed down I really enjoyed myself. I even gathered my courage to stop into a shop for a cup of hot chocolate. The best part was, no one seemed to pay me any attention at all. 

As I finished my beverage, it was time to make my way back to the car and head home. I had to be there in plenty of time to take off all my clothes and make up before my wife finished her work. 

As disappointed as I was that the evening was over, the fact I had actually been able to live an authentic life in a feminine world as a transgender woman was exciting.

Christmas turned out to be a bit more festive that year, 

Masculinity and Femininity

 I have written extensively here in Cyrsti's Condo concerning the terms "woman and man" are socialized terms and are simply an extension of "female and male." Here is another look from Addison J. Smith: (She/They)

"Masculinity and femininity are cultural concepts that change over time. They are something we can relate to but they don’t come from us. We learn these concepts. We see ourselves in others and we learn what it is to be like them. If you see yourself as a man, no matter what body type you have, you will want to learn what it means to be masculine as your culture currently defines it. If you see yourself as a woman, you will want to learn what it means to be feminine. We identify with a gender and learn to be that gender. It happens at such a young age that we don’t even realize we do this. Instead, we believe this learned behavior is something intrinsic to us."

Our identity comes from seeing others and knowing yourself through others. 

My example comes from when I first started to go out in the world and explore it as a transgender woman. Very quickly of course I was rejected by men because I had left the male club with all of it's inherent privilege's. Somehow I became part of a conversation between a couple men and was startled by the way I was treated. I had lost most of my intelligence it seemed. On the other hand I was accepted more or less by the cis women I encountered. Perhaps it was because I was reflecting their femininity back at them. I know it might be a difficult idea to consider and as a matter of fact, I didn't think much about it until I read Addison's post. Much of it was written about reflection between your perceived and actual gender. 

To this day, since I have not attempted any bottom surgeries at all, my actual biological gender is still male but my perceived gender is female. Obviously it took me years to come to this knowledge. I actually survived well in the male world and played the game as best as I could. I guess you could say I reflected well. 

I did it until it was impossible to do anymore. The gender stress was killing me literally. I drank myself to the point of suicide. 

It was about this time too, I learned the feminine image in the mirror meant nothing unless I could project it in a quality manner to the only gender which really mattered to me...women. 

Finally I will conclude this post with another Addison quote: 

"I don’t have a problem with masculinity (except the toxic kind), I’m simply not masculine. Masculinity is great for people who are masculine. Be masculine, have fun, just don’t be a jerk. I can’t say that I’m really drawn to be feminine in the popular sense, but if you know you’re feminine, go for it."

From India with Love

India has a new Miss Transqueen -- and she's headed for the world stage, determined to speak out for the country's marginalized transgender community.

Fashion designer Shaine Soni (below) was crowned Miss Transqueen India, the country's beauty pageant for transgender women, on Saturday. She will represent India at next year's Miss International Queen, the world's biggest pageant for transgender women. 

I Laughed Until I Almost...

 A couple nights ago we ushered in the Holiday season formally around here by watching one of our favorite Christmas movie classics, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. It stars "Chevy Chase." It was released in 1989 and everytime I watch it I laugh until I almost wet myself. Which I guess is one of the hallmarks of being an older feminine person anyway. It is so popular it is still showing in a few of the local theatres around here which are still open. 

As the holidays are here, I also had a powerful reminder of the season last night. When I went out the front door to do the decidedly unglamorous task of taking our recyclables out to the bin last night, immediately I was surprised by big fluffy snowflakes and a small coating of snow on the cars. The snow along with the amount of colorful Christmas lights on the street combined for a wonderful holiday scene in my mind. 

Once I returned to the warmth of the house, I began to think of the feelings I had during Christmas as I grew up and beyond. As I have written before here in Cyrsti's Condo, much of my early childhood memories of holiday gifts was similar to "Ralphie" in the movie A Christmas Story. 

In the movie, one of the central themes is how badly the oldest son "Ralphie" wanted a BB Gun. In my case, I wanted a doll and got a BB Gun instead. The gift was a direct reinforcement of my gender dysphoria as I was growing up. 

Of course too, there were the trips to my relatives for Christmas. I had two girl cousins who were roughly the same age as I was. They were always dressed in their holiday best dresses with white tights and black patent leather shoes. I remember how I desperately wanted to be them. But of course I was stuck in my usual boring boy clothes and a flat top hair cut. 

Little did I know how times would change for me. 

As I reached a point to be able to live full time as a transgender woman, I began to realize how my feminine Mtf gender transition had as much to do with Christmas as it did with Halloween. As I grew out of the idea of receiving dolls as gifts, I grew into receiving nice women's sweaters and skirts. More importantly, I was able to get out of the house and explore the world.

Between now and Christmas, I will be writing about them here in Cyrsti's Condo.