Tomorrow is Here

Labor Day 2024.

 Throughout my life, I was the best at putting everything off. From homework to attacking a gender issue, I kept putting it off, hoping it would go away. 

Of course it never did and I was stuck until the last moment trying to do something about it. My best laid plans for escape never did work. Especially when it came to my gender issues. When I was young, the whole plan seemed simple enough. Cross dress as a girl as much as I could get away with and then escape back into my male world. No matter how painful that was. 

It was a good plan until life became more and more complex and I wanted more and more from my cross dressing activities. In other words, I wanted out of the mirror and into the world. I started innocently enough with quick trips to the mail box during the day when I was the only one home. Of course I had to wear my shortest skirt and feel the cool air on my freshly shaven legs and I was hooked for life. 

The problem was, tomorrow was never quite here. Once I cross dressed for a quick day, I needed to go back and try to exist in a male world I never really wanted and I deeply resented it. Repeating the entire routine over and over again made me moody, grumpy and overall difficult to live with. Perhaps the worst part was, I had no one to talk to concerning my gender issues. So a full fledged gender tomorrow never came for me. I was just digging myself a deeper hole, thinking someday my life would change. Then, I didn't know it would but I didn't consider how much work it would take me to do it. 

Days, years and even decades went by and still I hid from myself all my gender truths. Most of the time I did not live in the present while I kept in the back of my mind the next time I could cross dress and enjoy my small but growing feminine wardrobe. All of the waiting created it's own set of issues. During that time, my male self was doing his best to survive and prosper in the world. Which at the same time, made the idea of transitioning into a transgender woman more complex and intimidating. It was easy to keep putting off what I knew deep down was true, I was always meant to be a girl. I just had to be in the position to reach out and grab her. 

During that portion of my life, it seemed my gender tomorrow would never be here and massive roadblocks stood up and blocked my way. Navigating them in my newly acquired heels would be a challenge I would have to accept as I crossed the gender border to play in the girl's sandbox. I found myself to be way past the tomorrow mode and started to believe my dream of living as a full time transgender woman was very achievable. 

Very quickly tomorrow became today and with the help of others, I seized the opportunity before I became too old to enjoy it. I am not shy of saying I waited until I was sixty to transition and begin HRT for what ever reason. I ended up feeling so natural, I wondered why I waited so long. 

I Knew my Life had ro Change

Pride Image from Christian Lue
on UnSplash.

As I grew more proficient in the art of feminine makeup and fashion, the possibility of leading a feminine life grew more and more feasible. 

When it did, I experienced certain moments of knowing I could never go back to my male life and I was lying to myself if I thought I could. Still I was stubborn and refused to listen and I was uncontrollable in my search for my true gender. I resorted to self destructive behavior such as self medicating my mental health with alcohol. 

An example was when I cross dressed and went out into the world. What happened was I was emboldened when I drank to do more. I chose and was accepted in a few venues I was used to going to as a guy. Even though I was radiating with anxiety, I managed to calm down and change the way I was thinking. I went from thinking I was trying to get by in the world as a man cross dressed as a woman to thinking I was actually a transgender woman trying to find herself in the world. It was a dramatic change to say the least and quite a bit to comprehend. Specifically, I remember vividly the night in question as once I arrived as a transgender woman, the more I knew I could never return. 

Return I never did. I was firmly occupied in my quest to be the best trans woman I could be. Including researching what my second wife was telling me. She kept saying I made a terrible woman which had nothing to do with my appearance. It had everything to do with how I conducted myself in a new feminine world which I learned I knew nothing about. No one would let me behind the gender curtain until I made the first move. The move meant so much more than just obsessing on how I looked and went into how I acted as the new feminine person I desperately wanted to be. The learning process turned out to be more intricate than I ever imagined. 

Time and time again, communication skills stood firmly in my way when a stranger (mostly other women) wanted to invade my little world. I don't know what I thought was going to happen but what did happen startled me. I needed to do my best to talk to the world as a transgender woman. Matching my external self with what my internal self was feeling. No longer could I try to render myself invisible and visible at the same time. No more going out to buy myself a drink and enjoying it by myself. I think now the last time I did it was when I treated myself to a date night as a woman. I went to an outdoor concert one night to watch an aging blues rock and roll star. I managed to have an enjoyable time and knew right then I had made the right decision and I would not be attending any other events as my old male self.

I knew my life had to change and I was changing it. At times, the process seemed to be agonizingly slow but at others, so fast I wondered if I could handle it. I weathered all the changes and turned them into progresses. I procrastinated my final changes as long as I could. I quit lying to myself and jumped off the gender cliff. Never to return to a male world I never should have been in to begin with. Gender affirming hormones sealed the deal and my body took to them as if they always should have been a part of me. Finally, it never occurred to me the feminine hormones may have somehow been a part of me to begin with.

Maybe the hormones were to blame for a lifetime of gender stress and tension. I will be the last to know.     

Follow your Passion

It does not seem possible but Labor Day is here and for the most part, summer is another memory.

Of course, the fall season brings more with it other than temperature changes (in my part of the world) which leads to necessary wardrobe changes. Even though here in Ohio we normally have a late summer come back, it is time to think about bringing out the leggings and long fuzzy sweaters for the fall.

Perhaps, as important to me and my wife Liz, it is time for football season to kick off again. There was a time when I wondered if my favorite time of year would have to be diminished somehow  when I transitioned into the feminine world. My love of sports was the only big piece of male baggage I did not want to give up. 

It turned out I did not have to worry when I began to notice and meet other women who were as passionate about sports as I was. Especially my wife Liz who shared my passions for The Ohio State Buckeyes and the NFL's Cincinnati Bengals as well as my friends Kim and Nikki. 

I guess I was lucky when I was able to bring my passion for sports with me into my new world.  

This weekend, for a new kick off season, I invested in a new The Ohio State Buckeye sweatshirt. I am very superstitious when it comes to my sports teams and my new soft and snuggly sweatshirt needs to be broken in with a few wins. 

I guess my main message here is almost nothing is off limits to you if you want to transition into a new feminine life as a transgender woman. If you look around, there are women who have the same passions you do. Loving sports takes nothing away from your innate femininity. It's all part of being part of a gender which is allowed to be more layered and enjoy more things. 

If you look around, you can find many feminine fashion sports items to wear. Who knows, if you are still in the closet, you can still wear panty hose under your jeans until you can do more. In this case women are rapidly catching up with men in their love of sports. So you are free to be you.

And one more thing, GO BUCKEYES!!!!